TW: ANY
(not censored)
im open to advice or just to chat
#attempt at hopefully daily journal
mortal canyon
Format for future use: (Bc Im disorganized and I wanna be more lol)
Day #
( #/#/## ||| #:##
Text:
How Im feeling atm:
mortal canyon
Day 1
( 1/1/25 ||| 1:27 AM
Text: First day, ima do a introduction then idk. Ive tried journaling In the past, Ive failed many times, My name is chris, Il be on this journal with more than 1 acc. Im suicidal, Ive been depressed for several years, ive been suicidal for several years. I have insomnia so I barely sleep most the time. last night I had a ADA aka a "depression attack". I self harm, like I did last night, Im a addict, Weed, shrooms, and alcohol, Im in A.A even though I no longer drink, I hate myself, I am desensitized to most of everything. Today was OK, I mean Ive been stressed, but thats normal. Ive been doing better compared to the constantly suicidal maniac I used to be, Im happily ✨ Gay ✨ Im taken, I own guns, I have anxiety. Ive been planning my own death since april 2020. The only reason im even alive today is because of my boyfriend, yay for him ig. I constantly contemplate life, and I wish I was dead years ago. Im a maniac, I have serious issues that I refuse to speak about with my real therapist because I know they will contact my parents and have me sent to the local mental hospital (ik fun right) and I swore to myself that Id kill myself before I get sent anywhere against my will (wow). Idk what else Im unsure of everything, Im spoiled with money. Money does not mean happyness, if it did Id be the happiest person in the area. I used to be a major drug dealer (at least in my area) selling pounds, ounces, half zips, and quarters. I dont know what Im doing with life anymore and Ive given up on my life multible times. Im smart at 170 something iq, and im going into cyber security (yay me). I have diagnosed adhd, diagnosed depression, I own a jeep, used to own a SRT durango and cant even (legally) drive it. though I do drive and have driven. No legal job atm.
Idk what to say.
today has been good, Ive been watching youtube, all day bored, I avoided playing games today, I got my leds in my room set up yesterday, that was amazing. although meaning I cant turn on or off my lights until my phone is charged.
witch it a good thing because builds good habbits to charge my phone constantly
I have utter disreguard for my life, and If I was told to jump off a cliff for 1000 dollars I whould.
I live in the USA 🇺🇸 '
I honestly wish to gain weight
✨ Ive been hiding my suffering since 2018 ✨
mortal canyon
8:42 AM
Im feeling really well, I feel happy, although I have a major lack of sleep.
Im exited. :3