#Feeling/being unproductive and useless

11 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

crystal shard
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(there are gonna be so many uncertainties and what-ifs in my communication, because everything's become so nebulous to me.)

Ok, to start from the begining, I'm a 19 year old guy unemployed, wishing i could get a job alongside currently studying in film... university ig? i hope im not confusing anyone with that translation of how things work in my country, because i ain't no prodigy. anyways, what comes next is the classic - chronic procrastination and wonderful time wasting via youtube and games. infact i have a lot of important homework piled up, and mountains of more unfulfilled dreams that keeps only growing in my notes app, as i'm all too used to dreaming and never achieving, even the seemingly simple enough stuff. it sure is fun to be more afraid to do something of completely your own incentive than someone elses order. (is my sarcasm readable?)

ok, i took the advice of lowering the barrier to entry of doing things, having somekind of "reward", but turns out those things don't quite work given that im all too aware of the magnitude of things even when i get to convince myself of doing something for a short time, or the reward is meaningless. and still, even when both of those two things work, it's for an ultra short term, as doing things slowly, one at a time seems to decrease my motivation afterwards if anything, and the rewards are only as good as the punishment for not getting it and well... im unable to punish myself, as my mind already does that passively with these weekly, once every two weeks breakdowns.

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so... what the heck is there left to do? i suppose the one thing i haven't tried would be a change in environment? but still it feels as short term as the previously mentioned things and stuff like cutting down on doomscrolling. i mean, for the longest of time there has been effectively no doom in my scrolling, but i suppose it's excuses like these that get me in dead ends like these. sure, i might be impatient when it comes to viewing myself, but that's not curable, is it? and i guess that brings me to the purpose of it all. there is no satisfying the human mind, is there? it always seems seek problems for solving as evolution intended (bold statements, surely.). and i suppose another part of my hubris the specific GOAL of achieving death as soon as possible, but alas i can only recognize firearms as the closest attainable AND reliable solution, yet europe being doodoo with their restrictions 🤷‍♂️

TL;DR ummm... idk. how does one improve without effort? (ik know it's retorical, there's no way to do that)

dusty trellis
crystal shard
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well... habits? i guess?
i've asked that question to myself plenty of times, and despite it's motivational nature, the answer always insists on being needlesly complicated

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oR sO mY mInD tHiNkS

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sometimes i think life imprisonment is the best thing that could ever happen to me, but im too weaksauce to commit a crime

dusty trellis
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what makes you feel that way?

serene palm
crystal shard
# dusty trellis what makes you feel that way?

kinda because that is what im kinda living here already and i would be content with it, if not for a critical minus of having the responsibility to improve to eventually work towards a tolerable life that is... still a prison? sure is fun spotting everything to be the same sides of coins

crystal shard
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Feeling/being unproductive and useless