How do I stop hating myself? [Need Advice, Not Rhetorical]

[proud lodge]

Well in my case it's not as severe as voices in my head telling me I'm useless, I just know I'm useless. My hatred for myself ends up being an implicit one where I don't actively hate myself but it's something I can notice. Due to this I just cannot comprehend the advice which goes just love yourself. Like even if I do end up following stuff it feels like I'm faking it leading to nothing.

Funniest part is I thought this would just go away once I felt a connection to people and my existence actually mattered to them. Funnily enough I'm at a point where I care about them but not myself.

I also defended hating myself at one point cause it helped me be extra cautious if I thought of myself as the worst person in the room. This prevented me from hurting others. Boy did I learn later that my inaction also ended up hurting people.

Also when it comes to work, I can't do anything for myself because I don't care about things where I'm the only one affected.
I end up compulsively finishing work where others are affected tho.

Funniest part is I want to stop hating myself for myself. The irony.

Anyways I sort of think I have a reason for why I hate myself? Will put it in as a reply.

The reasons why I think I hate myself (I love how unsure I am of my own state).

I'm about to pass out of college and here's the things I've done or rather not done:

||I haven't done shit within my major and have hated it for 4 years.
I haven't done shit in whatever I wanted to take and have been stagnant.
I haven't even done stuff I'd been wanting to do from Covid.
I hadn't made friends or socialized until pretty much my last year.||

Anyways this feels like a solid reasoning, but moving on.

I feel like I haven't mentally grown past the Covid years. And the me from then would hate whatever I've turned into now. Like younger me would just be very disappointed.

And rn I'm hit with the reality of life? Like once I get into a job I'm not gonna have a lot of time for myself. I'd already had a taste of that during my internship. I was so exhausted from work that I had to spend whatever time I had left to decompress and prepare for the next day.

I am afraid of growing up. I don't want to grow up and there's still stuff to do before I end up like that. I don't know. I want to do whatever I can while I can do it. I don't think I can do any of these outside of a school like setting.

Yeah that's pretty much it

<@&993332385670246420>

is that the right role to ping?