I don't even know where to start. I could write a book with the amount of shit I've experienced in the last few months.
The summary it boils down to is that I recently found out I likely experienced major trauma when I was very young and my brain blocked it out completely. A decade and a half later, that block has metastasized into something very harmful and very malicious. It's resisted my efforts to get it out and it is slowly killing me. I can't think. I can't feel. I can barely keep it together day by day at this point.
Even if I do manage to get it out and feel human again, I'm not safe. I don't think I'll ever truly be free.
On top of that, the amount of experimenting I've done on my brain has caused my perception of the world to break down. Things don't feel real or right. I'm beginning to not feel real.
I can't talk to friends. I can't talk to family. Therapy only does so much and I can't fully talk to them either. A helpline would likely put me in an asylum which honestly might be my best option at this point.
I've been searching for a cause to my issues my entire life. Now that I'm finally able to figure it out, it won't let go. It would rather kill me than let this memory out.
I am scared. And I can't even feel it.
#mental health falling badly
eternal garnet
icy dragon
Hey look
You need to take on step at a time. It’s like being stuck in quick sand. You move to much and you fall further down
You need to take it slow and take one thing at a time.
Step 1: figure out what happened which you’ve done so well done!
Step 2: acknowledge what happened and that you can’t change the past
Step 3: understand that you are in control of your life and you are in control of what happens now and in the future
eternal garnet
I do get that and it's good advice but allow me to be a bit of a doomer because I've really tried thinking of every angle out of this
despite "knowing" what happened more or less, my mind won't let me past it, or accept it in some form. the block its caused has numbed my brain to a very large extent and made it near impossible to process, and therefore move on, whatever happened
and to some extent that's because my likely abuser has a very powerful grasp over me and my future right now. so its keeping me "safe" by allowing me to live in some semblance of "peace" without the horrible emotions "knowing" would bring.
I've got so little control and so little energy to change anything. I feel like I'm drifting along life and have been for years, and one day that drift will slow and stop and I don't have enough motivation to keep moving forward
I want to move on and move past this and actually feel like a person again. but some part of me does not want me to, and that's what's in control right now. and fighting back, even for a second, it hits back too
I don't even know what advice I could be given at this point. I just want to share what's going on with someone other than my journal and chatgpt (which is surprisingly helpful but not human connection)