I'm just gonna use this as a journal for everytime i want to write about an experience or whatever.
#Taking notes of my problems
spark brook
Today i blacked out(on alcohol) because of some sort of episode i had where i was breaking down over my identity (it seems to me that im insecure about my identity(?)) i was just empty and so confused its like if you put a child in the wilderness even though i was at home the thought of existence in of itself was confusing it felt like nothing mattered anymore and i was blaming myself for my delusion that "no one likes me" a classic case of mine
earlier(like a week ago) i had a similar case(this one is a little bit more serious and may be triggering so im gonna put it as spoiler):
||i was in the same kind of state where i felt like i was in a haze and everything just felt uncomfortable the thought of existing or moving felt uncomfortable i was playing with a knife(i guess i broke down and used it as comfort maybe?) i didnt hurt myself with it i was just grazing it against my skin and it made me feel happy(?) i was grinning and smiling while doing it and also was rambling to myself about my love for knives and blood (it is true that sometimes im attracted to blood one time my friend wounded themselves i intrusively licked the blood clean off their wound without giving it a second thought, i still have no idea why im like that) pretty much it all came down eventually when i calmed down and talked to one of my friends||
i have DID meaning that when im triggered i can quite literally feel myself splitting into two people with their own distinct voices in my head and im either one or the other, i can sometimes have full blown conversations with whoever im not(i dont know if this is me just being a crazy roleplayer but ive never been into that type of stuff anyways)
if i could describe both persons in my head one of them is hateful and thinks that he(or i) is better than everyone else and that i dont give a shit about whatever tf is going on around me weither it be problematic or bad. the other one is an emotional and soft person whos generally nice and doesnt pop out until im comfortable
i also had multiple accounts of DPDR (more specifically derealization)
at its worst i felt like nothing around me was real and i was living in a dream or simulation and im almost entirely recovered but i still do have experiences with it when i get triggered(it first started when i was 9-10 but i grew out of it and only came back pretty recently like 5 months ago)
my main suspicion of why it came back was because around that time i had barely survived an overdose(spoiler text again)
|| i had overdosed on something thats laced(from what it felt like it was probably an opioid or ketamine neither of which i intended to consume that day) i almost experienced respiratory depression that day but i luckily survived and soon after began drinking alcohol in blacking out amounts and continued that trend everytime i was coping(not the thing im most proud of id say)||