I really need Advice on this but fair warning it's a lot.

[light lichen]

I currently realized I really badly need other prospective on this so I'm going to post stuff here that are thoughts I recently wrote down since anytime I feel bad I write down Like an almost online journal as if I was talking with someone since it normally helps me but I've realized I need to actually talk to someone here. If you read this and want more information just ask. I'm here ready to be open about anything. Also for a for a little context Seth is my boyfriend.

due to everything this week It’s been way too much for me. So much has happened and along with it being an already very hard time of the year for me.

I’m so stressed and Panicking so much. My eyes are bloodshot, I’ve Been literally shaking for hours at a time, At some points struggling to breathe, Even scratching at the sides of my arms so much they started to bleed.

Everything started with finding out about Seth’s son. And I hate he didn't tell me sooner and I've been panicking about that Not knowing what to do Because I really don’t believe I can handle being around a child. I can hardly care for myself most of the time like I’m only about to turn 22. I don't feel I’m ready to care for a 4 year old child. But at the same time I’ve never been happier than with Seth and don’t want to end things. And It isn’t something That I don’t need to worry about as Seth is going to court for his son’s full custody next month. Even if not full custody He will definitely get shared custody but He has a good shot at full custody. So that has me really stressed not knowing What I should do?

Then making things even more complicated Seth insisted that Since I wanted to spend the day with him But it ended up being with him and his son. He wanted to spend the full next day with me. So we did And things were Amazing but I kinda spent the night at his place and we might have um done “it’ ;-; and I feel it was a really bad decision and kinda really regret it.

Since then I’ve avoided being around Seth Although I don’t want him knowing I am avoiding him so I’ve still been responding to texts. And then to stress me out more He messaged me saying how his dad would love to meet me And he was asking if I would spend thanksgiving with his family. And I feel this all is just so much to take in.

Then Yesterday my mom Messaged me for the first time since I was 16 as I guess my brother or someone gave her my number. Saying she wants to reconnect and fix the bridge she burned. But With all the trauma she’s provided me I really want nothing to do with her. I’ve not responded but It’s only added to my stress.

Yesterday I also got a call from my boss telling me I’ll get my pay for this time off due to everything healthwise but He then said he doesn’t want me coming back. So I no longer have a job since he found a replacement. And I don’t know what to do about that.

This has all been so much I can’t Handle it And I’m sorry but I needed to say something to someone. But threw it all I can’t get some of the kind words of Seth out of my head. And I can’t tell if he means them And truly believes them or if he has said them to emotionally control me or something like that. I can’t tell if he is sincere or not. I can't tell if I am only thinking like this due to past trauma or something else. I don’t know what it is me being scared of or refusing love or what.

His words though Ring threw my mind as I can’t get rid of them as they seem so thoughtfully constructed or chosen. Some of the things he said going through my mind I’ll tell you now maybe for your thought. He’s said “I won't judge you for getting high or drunk I can’t imagine the journey you’ve been on in life but the damage has been done It’s time to move on and we will find ways to overcome” or “I know you will find a way to carry on because you aren't defined by the hell you’ve been through you’re more than what lifes done to you” or “I can see the hurt in your soul and I know there Is nothing worse than feeling that and acting like nothing hurts So please don’t hide try hiding it from me and just let go.” or when apologizing for not mentioning his son he told me “Please forgive me I need you I can’t do this without you.” He was the first person to ever really tell me what I’ve always wanted to hear, saying “You could never be a burden, you're not worthless. I love and care about you. Let me share your pain. You aren’t alone anymore.” He told me “You are enough, you don’t need to change, there is nothing wrong with you. I understand you have been broken and bruised but you still deserve to be loved And I won't abandon you or hurt you.” And none of that even mentions the compliments he always is giving me on my eyes or looks, personality or anything else.

And even after all of this I still can’t even bring myself to tell him I love you. He can buy me food or gifts. He accepts every part of me. He's always so kind and patient with me. He gives me almost nothing but praise. And I can’t even tell him I love you. I still can’t bring myself to ask him for help.

[lethal fable]

How long have you been together and after how long did he mention his son?

[light lichen]

we been together not very long only since early October and I found out about and met his son Tuesday this week But since dating we have seen each other almost daily

[lethal fable]

I see. Well in situations like this the last thing you'd want to be is more alone, so I'd recommend responding to your family's request to reconnect and not delaying it for too long.
Another thing to keep in mind is that these words that you can't get out of your head shouldn't be a factor in deciding what to do, because really they are cliches that anyone can say when they're in the beginning of a relationship when everything is fine and dandy and lovey dovey, it's just that they were exactly what you wanted to hear so they hit a chord, but just do your best in not letting them cloud your judgement.

[light lichen]

Well I just don't know what to do at all with the relationship and if I should stay or not

And with my family I wont respond or reconnect with my mother. And I wont forgive her. I already know that but just her trying to message me and reconnect has only added to my stress and mental panic.

[lethal fable]

One thing is for sure, and it's that you will be expected to be a stepmom. If you can't handle this, it's hard to see how it could ever work out.

[lethal fable]

Yeah I understand

[light lichen]

Well I really like him and I really enjoyed spending time with him and his sone but Yeah I really don't know id be ready for that

[lethal fable]

You don't know you'd be ready or you're sure you won't be ready?

By the way, having a stepson is not the same as having a son.

[light lichen]

I don't know

[light lichen]

whats so diiferent

[lethal fable]

You're going to be willing to sacrifice a great deal more and have much more patience for a human being coming out of your own womb than a human being who came out of someone else's womb.

Out of the few people who can become good parents, even fewer than them can become good step-parents.

[light lichen]

oh yes I get that ah but I've always been taught you don't need to be blood to be family, Espically with my dad who technically would have been my step dad

That part really doesnt matter to me

[lethal fable]

You also don't need money to survive (believe it or not). But how many people can pull that off and at what cost? :)
In principle there's nothing stronger than blood relations. Yes there are exceptions, but are you willing to bet your future on an exception?

[light lichen]

I just am not sure I could be any kind of parent

but Currently It feels I have no future if I'm alone

[lethal fable]

That's fine. At least we know now that this issue is what would make or break this relationship, so it's good to take some time to understand what kind of responsibilities and expectations you'd have as a step-parent and make a more informed decision.

[light lichen]

what would you do in my situation

[lethal fable]

I don't know your situation in full, but in general if I have no kids or haven't been in a long term relationship involving kids, I wouldn't dare to take on the responsibility of becoming a step parent, because that's not a trivial one and is much harder than that of a parent.

[light lichen]

your probably right but at the same time I really don't want to be alone again. And I've never been happier or felt more loved or wanted then when being around seth

[lethal fable]

I understand that don't worry. Just focus on the step parent issue, because if you can't do it, then the bitter truth is that either way you'll end up alone.

Making a decision based solely on your feelings in the beginning of a relationship is not the wisest thing to do. It's always sweet and lovey dovey in the beginning.

[light lichen]

ive never had a relationship feel like this one.

[light lichen]

Well the thing is with his son I wouldn't want to see them grow up without some kind of mother in there life And if seth gains full custody like he wants he will never see his mother again most likely. And even if it's hard or I don't do great I don't see how for them it would be worse then nothing

[lethal fable]

The decision to stay it still based solely on your feelings though right?

[lethal fable]

Would you still adopt that son even if you didn't know who Seth is?
If not, then your desire to not want to see him grow up without a mother is not because you feel bad for him as much as it's because you want to be with Seth.

Not to mention that Seth can indeed always find someone who's more than willing to become a stepmom and you're not the last person in the world or anything.

[light lichen]

adopt them Probably not especially alone But with this I wouldn't be alone. plus the kid seems very sweet and I kinda see a lot of myself in them as I went threw a lot of the same early childhood issues that they are dealing with currently.

[lethal fable]

The difference between enjoying your time with a kid and enjoying your time as their parent is like the difference between enjoying your time in the bathtub and enjoying your time swimming in the middle of the ocean.

You need to understand that being a step parent is a different beast. It's very easy to enjoy a few hours with a kid. Not so easy to become their step parent.

[light lichen]

I know

But I feel if I leave I would end up really regretting it. And I know Ill feel very bad about doing it

I don't know what the right choice is

[lethal fable]

The regret will be much harsher if you keep going and end up discovering you weren't ready to become a stepmom after all.
So the right choice is thinking hard about how ready you are for becoming a stepmom (and disentangling it from Seth as much as possible to not cloud your judgement), and based on that make your choice.

You've been together for only a month or even less, that's a very short time. So what you'll surely regret is making such a decision based only on what you feel due to getting told what you want to hear of the sweet words that strike a chord.

It's not even possible to know anything significant about a person in such a short amount of time.

[light lichen]

I get that its only been maybe a month and a half but still

[light lichen]

You're right though