🎠 • Journal

[solemn wolf]

I'm so lost, and I know that's totally normal, having only turned 18 back in July. but my life has felt like an endless loop of just waiting for it to pass over into the next chapter. I'm trying to find a job so that I can save money for an education. and I REALLY really want to be able to live by myself, I would love to have a space that's truly "mine" but I don't even know if that could ever happen in this shitty country.

I'm feeling particularly bad tonight because I haven't been well-rested for about a week now. I'm having recurring nightmares so I simply can't rest. and it's affected my overall energy and motivation, but I don't even know how to begin fixing it because I just can't sleep.

so, I was bored going through my gallery and... started sobbing because somehow I was happier. when I was 17 stuck in the abusive household with my mom. and now, I've moved away from my friends, the only people I know, and I've been having trouble starting over. that, and I don't know how to do literally anything as an adult—how tf does insurance work?

I have nothing to live for anymore, but I don't want my life to be over. all that shitty childhood for such a lame adulthood? like what was that supposed to amount to?

I feel so pathetic crying when I know I should be putting in more effort, but I feel like I'm really trying. I just want to rush things too much I guess. nobody really knows anything about me so I feel lonely all the time. I know you have to bide your time with friendships but idk if I even have enough energy to get to know people over and over again before clicking with somebody. I always feel left out, I always feel behind, and I feel so stupid when the very slightest of praise makes me so happy because I just need it that bad. I'm a huge mess

I know this is more of a rant than a journal entry, but I'm distressed right now and just needed it off my chest—I'll come back to use this channel more another time, too

[solemn wolf]

today was a little better I guess, aside from feeling isolated from everyone in all my chats. I think once I am able to find another job it'll get better, or at least I'm hoping. I've mostly just been trying to find distractions from getting too lost in my own thoughts because then I get even more negative and scared etc., so I've been hopping from one thing to the next all day. nothing's really that interesting, but I guess I've gotten used to it with depression, so I'm doing the best I can.

working on some writing projects, very slowly, but surely.

[weary narwhal]

Hey I was reading through your journal and saw you needed some help with jobs and what to do now that you’re an adult. Coming from someone who had to basically go through the same thing and finding ways on how to get through everyday life as an adult, I would like to help you as much as I can, more specifically jobs. I would recommend something small for now like retail work or customer service. I would recommend fast food but it’s kind of a hassle to do restaurant work nowadays so I would use that as a last resort option. Theres also being a cashier or retail salesperson or if not an office clerk as well. These are some options I would recommend and try looking into since most require just a high school diploma and general knowledge of their own subject and what to do. If anything, you can reach out through my dms. Always happy to help out if needed. 🫶

[solemn wolf]

I do have a HS diploma! and I've actually worked since I was 14, so I'm familiar with that aspect. but I was kicked out on my birthday and I'm out of range for my old job, so I've been struggling to find a new one. 90% of places don't get back to me and the 2 jobs I did work at people literally yelled at each other all shift, managers included, so I couldn't handle them. 😅 I've had 2 other interviews, one picked another applicant, and 1 said they're not currently hiring but have some staff graduating and going off to college so they'll keep me on their contact list.

[solemn wolf]

I had a dream last night where I was standing on the sidewalk, turned to look at a car parking. they were backing in, and kept ramming into the slab of concrete placed before the curb. the motion was exaggerated, sort of like a cartoon, but everything looked realistic not drawn. but because of this the car moved a lot more when it hit the concrete, so after the 5th or so time hitting it, it flipped over, and the guy in the passenger's seat flew out, hit his head ||and was bleeding out||. I instantly panicked and trying to call 911, but it wasn't connecting, so I became even more panicked because it just wouldn't work.

side note
so, I've never see a crash before, but the 911 thing has actually happened to me. (||my brother's girlfriend had texted me that he ran off, she didn't know where he was but she knew that he was a danger to himself.|| I didn't know that our mom had disconnected the house phone, and I didn't have my personal phone, so I dialed 911 like a thousand times on the house phone before walking to the nearest convenience store and asking someone to borrow theirs.

[solemn wolf]

I've been struggling to eat as of lately, a culmination of an ED, stress and recent upspike in depression... I know for the most part I understand myself and I can handle these things, but I hate when it starts to affect other people.

my roommate made dinner last night, and when I came out of my room, he was toasting bread for me to use. I didn't end up using the bread but put a small bit of food on a plate for myself and ate.
I'm making myself a snack now, but seeing the toasted bread stuck back in the fridge, a wave of sadness washed over me.
he's always saying I can cook what he buys, I can heat up the microwave meals, etc., but I just can't bring myself to work up an appetite, ever. I feel so hopeless and pathetic knowing that he cares and I'm not getting better, nor am I trying, because I just want to get through the day.

[solemn wolf]

I had a dream, not last night, but the night before that I was with a little girl — I don't know who she is or how old she was but she was maybe half my height.
I saw a man behind us and so, a little shaken up I stared at him and then turned back around and there was another man a little ways in front of us. I moved to take the girl's hand, and I was close enough to take it, but still the man in front of us made it to her before me.
he made some snide remark, and I took out my knife and started stabbing him, but my cuts only broke the skin, he was hardly bleeding.
the rest of the dream is a blur, but I just remember the overwhelming guilt of not being able to save her.

[solemn wolf]

I had a dream where I left my dog outside because this sketchy old man was walking up to me and I scrambled to the door to shut it. it's not even realistic because my dog is like, duct taped to my side, he's incredibly energetic and a "velcro dog" but I'm so overwhelmed with guilt.

I also woke up to a missed call and vague text messages from my younger sister (15) who lives with our unstable mom. i know she's been stressed lately bc of a lot of things but I texted her back a bunch and she's giving me kind of short responses which stresses me more even though she always texts like that and I know she has school. I'm just so worried about her.

(that part was not a dream)

but it seems I'm having these dreams more frequently than ever now and I don't know why. i don't feel particularly depressed, anxious, stressed or anything, it's basically at the same level as the last at least 4-6 years. 😕

but from writing them down I can note a second theme I didn't realize at first, it surrounds around a lot of guilt. which I guess is fair because I overall have a lot of anxiety over practically everything. the more obvious theme I noticed is that I nearly get s*xually assaulted in a lot of them or I do (but those where it actually happens are less common).
I've never been r@ped but ig I have been assaulted, but it's definitely a huge fear of mine, and it just seems so stupid that my brain would torture me with images that make me feel disgusting and even more stressed.

[limber sky]

I just read this text of yours, and I think our experiences are like... Identical. I have somniphobia and stay awake for multiple days (third day RN).

And my friends always treated my like just a voice, second, third or not a choice at all.

I have sob sessions every day, and I feel empty. I lost my sense of self. So... But my passions help, writing, poetry and music.

So, I think finding a passion would be healthy for you too.

If you have any questions and want to vent more, I'm here.

I'm 21 btw

[solemn wolf]

I'm usually the opposite of an insomniac, I could always fall asleep so easily and it was a safe place for me, so I feel incredibly broken with it gone and now all of that is reversing.
I kind of write, kind of draw, I want to paint more, but I'm so low on energy a lot of the time I can barely bring myself to. especially when I have work, but I definitely can't just not work, I'm not rich by any means and have no savings to fall back on.
so, I am trying to, but it's been a shaky process for sure

[limber sky]

Somniphobia is different from insomnia, I fear sleep unlike just struggling with it, been seeing nightmares since I was 7.

And painting could be a really expressive way for you, really healthy!

[solemn wolf]

I can't stay awake for multiple days though because I'm scared of doing something I'll regret, after like 24 hours of being awake I basically act "drunk" and my eyelids feel so heavy that I keep drifting off. I accidentally stole something (expensive !!!) once when I had stayed up for too long like this, a few days, and since then I haven't been able to. (my brother returned the item 😅)

[solemn wolf]

ohh I'm def scared to sleep but im also scared to not 😭😭.. so I get stuck deciding

and end up just getting less sleep than I should

[limber sky]

If you want to talk more, and want your journal thread to be cleaner from DM's, you can text me privately and I can share my struggles for you to relate, and I can offer solutions as well

[solemn wolf]

my sister came over and one of the first things she said to me was how on the drive over her dad kept telling her how he saw the aftermath of a car hitting a bicyclist, and how he worried that it was me (prior to picking her up we spoke, so he knew at that point it wasn't me, it was just on his mind).
a very reasonable worry, as I bike to and from work almost daily. but I fear he went too much in detail, especially because he ended up actually pointing out the accident to her, blood smears and all.
I haven't seen it yet. but these things are already unsettling to me, and right now, I don't have a helmet and I go to work while it's still dark. I'm extremely cautious, ny bike has lights, but of course I'm extra worried now. so much so I'm struggling to sleep - which I know is only going to make it WORSE because I shouldn't ride my bike sleep deprived either! so I'm torn and upset.
plus, I don't want more nightmares because of this if I do end up passing out.