It's so draining to stay alive + I need to study

[late star]

I was recently diagnosed with "mild" depression (basically they don't wanna actually write down a diagnosis for mental illness) But it just finally clicked for me yk? Like, I've been "depressed" since I was like 9 (our family sucks and is super super toxic and zero love so it affected me a lot because of how desperate I was for my familys love but they didn't love me (I've acknowledged it. I don't need someone to try and tell me that no they love me and they just don't know how to show it. I know how my family is.) so I neglected and stuff which caused me to feel very numb and weirded out by affection by anyone but I'm also super desperate for love but I don't want to receive love if there's ties at all. So I've never wanted a bf or actively sought out friends (but I do have friends).

Anyways I've been like struggling to stay alive forever. I've never really WANTED to live, but I thought my lust would life would "kick in" when I got older (I used to watch highschool movies and stuff where they got bullied and I always was like huh why would they not kill themselves? If I had a reason like that I would for sure.) but I'm older now but still don't like being alive? Like there's not a single aspect of life I enjoy. I don't like eating, I don't like any hobby or sport. Basically I just spend my time thinking about how nice it would be if I was dead and I didn't have to experience anything. I don't want to traumatise my brother which is why I haven't kms yet but my GOD its EXHAUSTING to live. I genuinely fathom how people would beg for their lives. I ever can't imagine loving being alive. I don't know if I've never felt lust for life or if I just forgot. Anyways, I'm SO addicted to wanting to just be dead I can't study or anything. If I'm not gonna kms I need good grades but I literally cannot shift my focus away from how much I want to die.

My psychologist told my mom it's best if I take meds but my mom doesn't wanna put me on meds because she's afraid it'll damage my kidney but omfg I'd literally take my kidney out uneducated and eat it if I could experience WANTING to live for one second. Anyways I need help to stop focusing on wanting to die so much so I can start studying.

[fossil pine]

Have you ever been to psychotherapy? For me (this is my opinion) you are not actually ill with depression more like you have your depression created by other factor, which is in this situation lack of love/attention and low self-esteem created by environment. In situations like this meds would help in some way but it does not mean your issues will dissapear. You could start to enjoy all normal activities but when you would stop taking them 2 scenarios would happen:

1. During your med period you would have enough energy to solve your issues or change your attention in a way that you would be considered "cured".
2. After you stopped taking meds you would go back again to this state.

I am of course missing a scenario where you would not experience a significant difference because sometimes meds do not work and this is a long topic.

But there goes the most important summary for you. If you receive GOOD psychotherapy during weeks/months/years (depending on your thinking patterns) you are going to significantly improve. I and many other people believe that most if not all cases (except brain injuries, etc.) of depression are 100% curable (there would many people say that depression is not a curable thing but only treatable but lets omit that). Probably (my opinion and I am not a professional) you could suffer dysthymia and during your treatment you should consider it.

Have also in your mind that many psychologists are not very good as well as psychotherapists. You just have to get that good one. I hope you do no have money issues in your family and they are willing to spend this money on a very important thing like this.

I also advise you watched some materials from for example HealthyGamerGG on youtube regarding depression, these materials are very good and I think you would get a lot from them

[late star]

Yeah I probably do have dysthmia but isn't depression always caused by some external factor? Like some kind of lack/excess of something?? Or do people randomly get depressed even though everything (and I mean EVERYTHING in constant but has some fun minor changes to keep it interesting) is the same but still interesting??

But also I really only need meds for like 2 years until I can escape my family situation

Like I just need to power rhogub these 2 years but I need good grades 😭😭

Like ALL my will power is going to trying to not kms so I have no motivation to study or anything and it'll probably take some time before getting (forcing) my mom to agree to put me on meds

So until she agrees I need some kinda habit changing thingy to study

And she barely agreed to the psychologist I don't think psychotherapy is in the foreseeable future 😭😭

Life's fr gotten so annoying I hallucinated a ghost dude standing in front of me and omfg the relief I felt was ungodly like "wow I'm finally going to die. This is how I die."

And I blinked and dude dipped 🧍

Sometimes I stare into the dark corner hoping he'll show up again so I won't have to kms

[vale kestrel]

My words may or may not help but you need to do your best to stay positive and fight, you said you don’t want to traumatize your brother, that means you have a reason to go on. And I’m sure he’s not the only reason you should be going on and staying strong but he should be your main reason. Sometimes you get so caught up in life’s problems that you start thinking about things you shouldn’t be thinking. I am probably the last person who should be giving you or anyone any advice but I really hope this helps you

[fossil pine]

If in your situation it is hard to keep your grades good you should consider meds

[fossil pine]

Depression is believed to be a side effect of our mental mechanisms, precisely sadness. Sadness should motivate us to change our behaviour/environment to a better state, but there is one catch. If you do not see an escape from a bad situation you feel you lost control over your life. Depression is this lost control, if you do not have control over your life, you think its meaningless. You can clearly see what you lost control over in your first sentences. You cannot change your toxic family, you feel not loved. You probably tried to change it but countless times showed you there is no way.

I could miss the point because it can be even different mechanism to you but I am quite sure that's it.

[fossil pine]

It is so painful to me to see a parent not understanding what mental issues is. Actually you are in a quite bad situation, because your depression symptoms are related to your family so it would be advised to go to psychotherapy with your parents or one parent which you have better relation with.

But try to remember my words, in your situation there is a way to come back to happy life and live normal life. You just have to overcome your issues, and the faster you start a GOOD psychotherapy the better, especially if you are suicidal.

[fossil pine]

Even if you escape your family situation, will your affection and low-esteem issues disapear? If yes thats good. If not you should change your thinking patterns and that's where psychotherapy comes in. You need other perspecitve to life, and you cannot do it alone, someone must show it who is a profesional.

[fossil pine]

I did not entirely answered this question. So let me address this one more time. Depression is believed to be always caused by external factor. This illness can only be created if: you have specific genetics AND you have specific environment. By genetics I mean that you can feel more sadness than average person if you are rejected or many more things but you can probably see these are also a normal person traits. You just have these genetics + environment situation. If someone is more sensitive to rejection (genetics) and is rejected multiple times (environment) that person has high chances to develop depression. So in your situation you should change your genetic reaction to stimulus (harder, but in psychotherapy often done successfully) or environment (lower presence to things that cause you sadness).

Depression also causes your brain to lower its activity in regions related to feeling pleasure and creativity. But if you lower your negative thinking patterns and engage in things that increase activity in regions related to pleasure you are going to start feeling better. This is i think all about depression, feel free to ask more questions.

I hope this would create the other perspective on depression and it is an illness that with specific steps can be efficiently "cured". People do not like to say cured because you can always come back to your negative thinking patterns and come back to depression but if you learn to recognize this patterns and you do not dig into them you are unlikely to develop depression again.

[late star]

Yepp I am 😭😭 my mom wants me to try exercising first (she believes exercise can solve everything because it releases endorphins but also my hormones and stuff isnt affected at all by my weight since I'm underweight and I maintain it easily because like genetics and stuff, like all the women in my family are really really thin naturally until they get pregnant, I hope this doesn't sound gloat-y but just trying to say it's not cause of any physiological factor)

[late star]

Not very sure, I went on a week long school trip away from my parents and I felt almost the same but I was definitely less stressed and less dependent on someone else's mood/worried what someone would say but idk if a week is enough to say for sure but I think I'd definitely improve quite a bit

[late star]

See it's not my apprehension it's my parents apprehension + stigma towards mental health so I can't really do much. Convincing them doesn't work

[late star]

WOAH I'm exactly that. I am really sensitive to rejection (only with my family for some reason. Idgaf if anyone else rejects me but with my family I'll actually die inside) but I've tried stuff like painting, making air dry clay models (because pottery isn't really a viable option) and stitching and crochet and stuff and nothing really stimulates me enough?

Like I don't get any pleasure from that

But yeah I can attest to the fact that my parents are also really sensitive but only for rejection from family again

Like my dad is really similar to me (loves the idea of love) but my mom straight away rejects him (he doesn't ask for sexual favours it's more like eating out or walking in the park and stuff) and he gets really really angry about it

But like maybe his anger is similar to my anger because usually sadness translates into anger for me

And idk what's up with my mom like she's sensitive to rejection as well but in a different way than me so I don't fully get it

[late star]

I'll definitely try psychotherapy when I get older

If I'm still struggling g

[late star]

Youre right, I tried to get love from outside places (friends and teachers but I still want my teachers love but idrc about friendship that much) which ended up disappointing me so I don't allow myself to be too attached considering this is school and the environment will change and I don't wanna be open with people who won't stay. I tried getting it from my family (I asked for my bday gift to be "let's play board games together" for 2 years, I cried to my mom without comfort and she just turned on the TV, I tried to cling to my dad and sister and both were too busy or just didn't want me around, I try with external family as well but I can tell they see it as an obligation and they aren't spending time with me because they want to) so I basically ran out of options for receiving love

I said I'll try again with friends after I'm older since they're a little bit more permanent and more mature and fleshed out than school

I know I can eventually change it but it's really really far away in my head so idk

[late star]

I'm sorry and TYSM for trying to help but I've heard this so many times 😭😭 I don't wanna traumatise my brother more but he is already traumatised and will continue to be traumatised by my family in ways I cannot prevent. The only thing I can do is maintain a healthy relationship with him. My parents aren't mean to him in front of me because I'll get angry but they're still assholes when I'm not there. They still make passing comments which I can't control which will undoubtedly stick and I can't stay something to them because I also depend on them. They start treating you as more of a human when you're older and grow a backbone (which he's already starting to do) I can't really change or do anything. I can study and get a good job but by the time that happens the damage is already done, he won't need to depend on anyone, and then after that it's like okay? Why did I do this? I don't have a reason to be alive anymore because my brother won't really be traumatised by my death because he's grown now and he has to get used to people dying.

It's not that I'm getting "caught up" in life's problems if the ONLY thing I'm exposed to are it's problems. I do not have anything outside of my family. In my country, friends don't matter, only family does. You can betray your friends but never your family and I'm LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE I KNOW who has a horrible family situation and doesn't want to constantly be with them (others have a horrible family situation too but they're still very loyal to theit family and want to forgive them and work shit out with them but honestly that's just not possible for me. I love my family but I can never forgive them for screwing the way I interact with everyone and talk to everyone

Like there's genuinely not one aspect of my life which hasn't been tarnished by them. I was scared to talk to people till third grade because I was genuinely SCARED they'd kill me for not knowing the language because of how my father scared me, that's a lot of time to not talk to people (my parents work till late at night so I was alone most of the day since my sister went out to play and when they came back they used to scream at me and my sister and then I went to sleep crying/on the verge of tears most of the time. Basically, my only interaction with people for like 5 years of my life was just my parents scolding me)

And those are your formative years, like that's genuinely all I know. I did that every single day until Sunday when we all went to church in a bad mood because at least one of my parents were always pissed off about something and then we had to bear a stuffy 2 hour service with no talking and I didn't understand the language either because it was too advanced and then we went home with my dad berating me and my sister for not knowing the words (the priest says something and we all respond for some parts of the church service)

Like, basically, I go into all interactions expecting them to berate me OR for us to argue

Even now I can't talk to my friends normally or crack jokes because I'm genuinely constantly on guard

And the worst part is I literally cannot afford to be relaxed because the second I relax and I'm carefree or smth someone will come and say something that fully VISIBLY shatters me and they LEAVE SMILING about it

Whenever I cry in front of my dad it's like he can't even hide his joy so I'm not about to relax just to start crying and see my dad smiling at my misery

And I'm always bloated and have the worst stomach cramps whenever I eat anything because of how scared I am, like I cannot take a freaking regular shit because of how anxious I am all the time like this is literally all I know

I have never known love and I've never received affectuon that didn't feel like an exchange or an obligation

Like my god the things I'd do for my dad to hug me and say I love you is actually ungodly but it will literally never happen

If the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally can't even PRETEND to love you what are you even supposed to do at that point?? I tried to get it from other places but even there I can't get it?? I love my brother but he doesn't really need me so I'm doing my best to not weigh him down (ie, not cause him trauma at such a young age by his sisters death and I shower him with affection) but he'll eventually grow up and his world will be filled with other more interesting people and I absolutely love that for him because he's such a loving child and he deserves the whole world but I can't really assist or guide him because it's not something I can literally viably doi give him love but he'll eventually get it elsewhere. (I'm not jealous or anything, I'm not tryna gatekeep my brother or wtv I genuinely wish the best for him and I want him to have a picture perfect life) like there's nothing that's really motivating me? There's no real goal? There's nothing I wanna give or achieve.

Basically there's nothing in my life aside from this misery. I cannot focus on anything else because idgaf about anything else. I try to care but I cannot get myself to. I try to immerse myself into hobbies and games for months each but it just doesn't interest me.

Like I'm constantly just in a state of meh/really really bad like there's genuinely no ups (or I just don't know how to recognise the ups maybe? But I don't feel anything other than boredom, sadness, anger and how much I wanna die all the time. Like there's nothing else for me to focus on at all, like there's nothing to escape my reality with

I hope that made sense

[fossil pine]

My opinion again - the faster you start therapy the better. If you wait until you get older I am concerned your issues will only grow. Negative thoughts lead to avoidance and other behaviours.

[fossil pine]

"I tried to get love from outside places (friends and teachers but I still want my teachers love but idrc about friendship that much) which ended up disappointing me so I don't allow myself to be too attached considering this is school and the environment will change and I don't wanna be open with people who won't stay." - this is a major issue and should be addressed as soon as possible. How you can enjoy life if you reject its core at the very beginning. It will only lead to more depressive state.

Just look how many issues you brought here, its more like venting now but many say its an important part to recovery.

Today I am very tired so it is hard to me to answer this correctly but I want to ask one simple question to you. If you are depressed and do not have energy to be alive, how did you find the energy to write so much about your issues here?

Because it is not that you wrote just simple, without emotion sentences about yourself. It seems like deep in yourself you want to solve this issues and you do not know why so what is left to you to vent.

Really do not delve into negative thoughts, it is becoming a crucial part of you. After so many years I think it is a part of your personality. That was because of chaos it created inside of you by constant recalling you issues. So how could you possibly live a normal life if you cling to your issues. There is a need for you to separate your issues from yourself. The best way to start is to think about your issues for around 30mins-1hour at the beginning of the day - you should think the worst that could happen today and the worst that happened to you. After that time you must forbid yourself to think in any way about your problems and do stuff you do daily. You would see how hard is it to do something like this but it is a crutial thing to do.

And do not get this so personally, you have to change in order to improve. If you right away start thinking that you issues are a part of you and you focus only on that part without desire to change that it is still pointless and proves the point your mental state become a part of your personality. This may seam unclear but if you think for some time on it you may understand.

[fossil pine]

Like here, you got mostly interested in part what you are, not how to solve it.

It is kind of aggressive towards you and in therapies you would not encounter that but I am curious how you would react to that.

[late star]

No I know it's part of my personality and it's hard for me to let go but like I already knew that?? 😭😭

I want it to stop being such a big part of me

The "I'll wallow in it for an hour and then after this I'll never think about it again" doesn't work if you're still in the situation

It only works after you've escaped

[late star]

I tagged it with I need advice + I need support because I knew I'd bring it up because it IS a big part of me. It is all I've known so far. You can't move on from the only thing you've ever known to something you don't even have a small inkling about

[late star]

It's such a massive change. Allowing people to love me is hard. I get PHYSICALLY repulsed and I can't stand to be around the person if they keep showing me they love me. I don't even realize that that's the reason I stop talking to people. It's genuinely so repulsive I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it even when I recognize it because like I don't wanna be around someone I feel disgusted by?

It sounds dumb but like this is like genuinely all I know, and it's hard to move on and forget it especially when you can't physically leave.

I cannot get psychotherapy because my parents won't be okay with it, I'm sorry for being rude when you're just trying to help me but like stop suggesting something I told you I cannot do in the near future

I can't convince them, it's not that easy. It's not as easy as "just convince them" and it's not even a money thing. They won't change their views and I know that and I have no interest in a waste of time that will result in not even a molecule of success

(I want to change. I know it sounds like excuses but I can't do the thing you suggested, so I'm asking for different suggestions for things I CAN do.)

[gusty marsh]

heyy , I can help you if you desire

[late star]

Please do

[gusty marsh]

sure sure , what de

is repulsing you exactly ?

[late star]

Um basically their clinginess(?) and them outwardly showing love and expecting me to love them back

[late star]

Mostly the expecting me to love them back

[gusty marsh]

and why those it bother you this much ? because it's like they're projecting into you theydesires and expect you to act a certain way about it ?

[late star]

And also for the ones who I don't feel pressure from like I kinda feel like I already "won" once they start expressing their love towards me so I stop putting the same amount of effort

[late star]

Yeah, I feel pressured in a bad way

Like it's hard for me to express affection at ALL but it feels like at some point that's not valid anymore and you HAVE TO express it or they'll get mad at you

[gusty marsh]

yeah I can see the issue

but you know that's there fault not yours