I tried to kill myself 3 weeks ago

[chilly veldt]

Uhm so ya I failed, I tried to slit my forearm open but stopped because why did my dumbass think that a dull cuter can cut deeply and because it’s too painful. 2 days after that failed attempt, I overdosed on tylenol. Read abt people trying the same way, they said it was painful. I thought that I could handle the pain but no i kept vomiting and my head hurts really bad.. I ended begging my dad to bring me to the hospital at 2 am. 😭

I got hospitalized for a day, and during that time they got me a therapist. I told her about some stuff and she gave me meds.

Anyways getting to the point, I do wanna get better mentally and physically but I can’t bring myself to go to school right now. I did talk to my therapist about me dropping school for a year to take care of my health but she said that I should go to school and try not to stay alone so that it can distract me from suicidal thoughts. The thing is I’ve already tried using school as a distraction and even as hope to feel something, like a sense of purpose, as well as other stuff like going to the gym to lose weight, pick up hobbies, go out more. They work for a while but eventually stopped working as a distraction once I get used to it. I still feel nothing. I’m still dead inside. I can’t even connect with people emotionally and I’m emotionally numb. I want to get better but at the same time I want to die. I feel like me dropping school to take care of my health would really help because school is really stressful right now, I’m in grade 10 and have to take IGCSE soon but with my mental health being so bad, I don’t think I can get good grades. I tried to maintain average grade all this time, but after my failed attempts it’s like my soul isn’t here anymore, just my body. I can’t bring myself to go to school. I already missed school for a week. What should I do? I don’t know anymore and the reason I’m trying to get better is because my parents are helping me now plus who doesn’t wanna get better? Still wanna die tho

[raw sleet]

The concern about dropping school for a year is that if you don't have an alternative (something else to do during that year), then having that much free time is surely going to make things worse.

So before making that decision, make sure you know what you're going to do during that year.

[chilly veldt]

That’s what my friend told me too. I don’t have a plan yet but I have ideas for it

I’m literally so fat so I’ll try to lose half of my weight

And by dropping school I don’t mean dropping education

I’m thinking of being home schooled instead

I will try to fix my sleeping schedule and diet too. Like basically my life

[chilly veldt]

Then after that I’ll spend time with my family. We. Chubby family do we losing the weight together which is good I guess?

[raw sleet]

These are great things to do. Now do you have someone who will hold you accountable for these things?
Because another thing about school is that if you slack off you're going to get penalized. So who would hold you back from slacking off now? :3

[chilly veldt]

My therapist? My parents?😭

Plus I won’t slack off I’m sure of that, I never slack off in school. Made sure to hand in all my works and everything

I just don’t wanna go

Is it because I have to deal with my friends? Trouble trying to get better grades cuz of my mental health? Or cuz igcse idk 😭

[raw sleet]

That's a good question, what do you think? :D Maybe it's a combination of all of them.
There's nothing wrong with taking a break from school, you just need to make sure you have a concrete plan for what to do instead.

[chilly veldt]

Right okay, needed this talk. I’ll create a plan during the one year break. Thank you

[chilly veldt]

@raw sleet hey, I wanna ask for help again. My parents want me to continue going to school but I really can’t bring myself to go anymore. After my suicide attempts, it feels like I’m more dead inside, only body remaining like I’m just like there. I really don’t think I can deal w school anymore😭 I’ll have to deal with my friends, tests/exams, school stuff. I’m not gonna have motivation for it and if I don’t have motivation I’m gonna feel miserable because I cant do what I wanna do like studying properly. What should I do bro. Right now I just wanna try and get better physically and mentally. You may ask why can’t I do both at the same time? It just doesn’t work, I tried before. It’s too stressful and demanding. Right now I just wanna focus on my health and put school behind first. Everyone always says prioritize health before school so then why is it different when it comes to me. I will probably try and kill myself if I go to school. I really can’t right now, I just can’t. Maybe if I wasn’t mentally ill then I could do both at the same time😓

[raw sleet]

Don't worry it will be fine, you can figure something out. How did the conversation with your parents about leaving school go though?

[chilly veldt]

They said they will think about it days ago but today they told me that they want me to go to school tmr cuz like they’re worried that I will fall behind. Idgaf bout it honestly never did but still try to maintain average grade just for them, and cuz of social and peer pressure. I didn’t want anyone to know I was mentally ill, trying to hide all signs of anything negativity. All my friends sees me as someone positive and energetic. I don’t have the energy to keep it up

[chilly veldt]

I can’t bring myself to go to school bro I just can’t 😓

[chilly veldt]

I even suggested some activities I could do during that period

Omg hi

Rewrote some things

I need help 😓

[raw sleet]

Can you negotiate to go to school the day after tomorrow or even next week then?

[chilly veldt]

I think yes

At first we were planning to talk to the principle or whatever tomorrow

I guess they just want me to go to school

[raw sleet]

What are you going to tell the principal?

[chilly veldt]

Like how I have been struggling with my mental health for so long and wanna take a break from school to take care of my mental and physical health

I’m like fat fat

Risk of getting diabetes atp

[chilly veldt]

Also coincidentally, I met the principal at the hospital 😭 we talked for abit

I told her about my stress at school and she seems very understanding

[raw sleet]

If that's what your parents are going to talk about with the principal tomorrow, then maybe you should do is sooner than later, because it could end up with you being able to take a break.

[raw sleet]

Oh lol interesting, good to know

[chilly veldt]

Well I’m gonna talk to her myself

Or with my parents idk

[raw sleet]

Lol it's much better if you have your parents

[chilly veldt]

No cuz like they still don’t really understand that how serious my mental health is

Bad

I’m afraid they will say smth wrong😔

[raw sleet]

The principal is not going to take any official decision without your parents' consent. Best she could do is comfort you.

[chilly veldt]

Oh well ur rihjt whatever I think she will let me take a break anyways

Maybe

I think yes

I hope so

😭

I’ll try to convince them to talk to the principal

[raw sleet]

Yeah that's much better

[chilly veldt]

idk why they r so worried about me falling behind like I’m literally at risk of attempting again

[chilly veldt]

Yeah okay thanks btw😓

[raw sleet]

No worries, I hope everything goes well

[misty linden]

Heyy just speaking from experience with intrusive thoughts, going to school can actually help to take your mind off them and increase your mood as you are being distracted from ur mind and u are talking other people💜
ik intrusive and suicidal thoughts are not the same but one thing i can tell you that yu will feel much more refreshed by going out than being inactive as that may casue more anxiety but either i hope you overcome your struggles and rememebr you can do this and ur not alone 💜

[chilly veldt]

Oh hey thanks, that’s what my therapist told me too but I’ve tried to focus on school as a distraction. It worked for a while until I got used to it😭 anyways right now I’m trying to stick with people and go out more and honestly yeah I do feel refreshed. As for school, I think the reason I don’t wanna go to school is because it’s too stressful since I’m currently in grade 10, gotta prepare for igcse but then I don’t have the motivation because thoughts like I’m definitely gonna kill my self soon pop out of nowhere, etc. Plus me having to keep up the I’m so energetic and positive persona is just idk. Right now I just wanna focus on getting better physically and mentally

[chilly veldt]

@raw sleet hey I wanna ask for help again😓 it’s about school. Since ur 20+ I thought you might have knowledge on what I’m gonna ask. My parent’s friends right they talked to me about their daughter who dropped school after grade 10 and use the remaining time to study for university/college idk the difference but yeah u get what I mean. I think my parents want me to finish grade 10 before dropping school. What should I do? I really can’t bring myself to go to school. I don’t care about education, I don’t even care about anything in my life but all I know is that now I have goals to achieve

[uneven lintel]

I dont know much with what is going on but know that your own well being is priority.

As someone who has failed in all levels of education it really is a small portion of your life. What matters most is the people around you and who you surround yourself with. Your are cherished and loved for you not your path or future.

[chilly veldt]

Thank youuuu😭 I thought so too but people around me seems to think differently

[uneven lintel]

No big deal man i used to compare myself with all the people around me it wasnt great i always felt like a failure but luckly i have people always supporting me. I realize that lifes to short to hold myself yo ohers. You are cherished and if you have some stuff on your mind let me know!

[chilly veldt]

That’s great really, you overcome it🔥🔥

[chilly veldt]

Anyways yeah I do have some stuff on my mind rn

Like I wanna drop school for a while and take care of myself but I’m already in grade 10 and it’s an important year. Plus my parents want me to continue school

And let me drop after grade 10 to study for unis and all that stuff

What do I do in this situation😓 I’m planning to talk to ghe principal about this

[uneven lintel]

Are you in highschool correct?

[chilly veldt]

And I don’t even care about all that stuff right now

[chilly veldt]

Yes

[uneven lintel]

Oh well i remember high school becoming very stressful in junior year. it introduced me to the real world and what to expect. I remmeber school telling me about thinking about my future and whatsover and itwas really tough. I would recomend to try to finish even if its hard year and truy to have a idea of if you want to pursues highereductatoion. From highschool to college is a dramatic change its significantly harder but to apply to colleges you need to finish high school unfortunantly. Most jobs also require high school diploma but you got this! I graduated with all Ds and Cs it was real tough but as long as you show your teachers you are trying they will most definitly help you out.

[chilly veldt]

I’m not having much difficulties with school. I mostly get Bs and a few As but I just can’t bring myself to go

Is it bc I have to keep up my positive and energetic persona

Bc there’s too much tests and homework

Like it doesn’t seems like much stress but this year I’ve notice thag I can’t focus as well as before

I don’t have the motivation

Basically if I’m still like this, wanting to die = grades bad

I wanna take a year off then come back next year for grade 10 and study properly

[chilly veldt]

And I actually don’t care about universities and all that, my parents want me to go. My life is basically meaningless, I don’t care about anything at all and it’s ruining everything for me that’s why I wanna get better mentally first

I can’t see myself alive next year

But all ik is that right now I have a goal

And people are helping me so I wanna try

And get better again

[uneven lintel]

Well if its that case think of it as a stepping stone. Life out of school is freedom. If you take a break your just going to delay the inevitable. What i love thinking about when i was pulling all nighters from school is my loved ones. It came to the case where i called my mom at 3 AM telling her my problems and proceeded to cry all night. Life may be tough right now but try to think more positively in life! You have your whole life to enjoy don't let something as minor as school defeat you. For me once i was out of high school I just loved all the free time i had i was able to share it more with my family now and its the greatest feeling in the world. Once you finish school you can do all the goals you made let it be exciting and thrilling or comfortable at home. You got this and you seem like a very smart guy man!

[chilly veldt]

No cuz like I’m fat, risk of getting diabetes atp that’s why I wanna take a break and take care both my physical and mental health at the same time. Im not trying to delay or anything but I wanna focus on myself first. I’m fat and ugly it’s hard to even go outside without feeling self conscious. And by dropping school I don’t mean I’m throwing education away. I could find a tutor or homeschooled plus activities to do during that time. School is just too stressful and demanding right now. Tests every week and because my concentration seems to get worse, I am struggling plus its kinda draining to act all energetic and positive to people when I’m not. I have been struggling with depression for years now. It’s hard. I wanna get out of this. I wish I could do all that and studying at the same time but it’s just not possible. I tried before, bc tests are so often the days I spend at the gym are not much. I also suffer from binge eating disorder, it’s hard☹️

[uneven lintel]

Im sorry to here that! i Actually have diabetes it was heriditary but very serious. Your health comes first if you feel very stressed about your health most definitly take a break. You also shouldnt be ashamed about your weight it doesnt define you as a person. Tests are hard and maybe this is the first challenge that seems overbearing. Make a plan and try to follow it the best of your abolities. What helped with my weight managment was counting my calories and drink just water. In no time im sure you can overcome your eating disorder with a more positive outlook. Once your ready be sure to finish school. Most people like us deal with stress eating which comes form anxiety try to do more things that make you happy and appreciate the people around you.

[chilly veldt]

I have been fat my whole life, so I know how much appearance matters. I know it doesn’t define me as a person but it definitely affect my social life and self esteem. Btw I am planning to make a plan, what I will do during the break, etc. The only problem I have right now is my parents wanting me to go to school while I wanna take a break. Thanks by the way you helped me a lot not sure about me overcoming eating disorder in no time tho hahaha I’ll try

[uneven lintel]

Hey man np just try you best i know how it feels to ostracized about weight but just be thankful that your addressing it many people are far worst and are disabled. Just being aware is the first steps of taking care of yourself be sure to try your hardest and when your ready be sure to finish school.

[chilly veldt]

Will do!!

[raw sleet]

It's important to think about the real reasons of why you want to drop this year.

Because if the reason you feel school being heavy and stressful is that you're currently depressed and suicidal, thus leading you to lose motivation in general, then dropping school might not help that much, because this loss of motivation will spill on other areas of life including what you plan to do during this year.

So if you drop this year and start training and doing homeschooling for example, then after a while you may lose motivation all over again, since the source of the problem (depression) is still there.

[chilly veldt]

Real reason? I wanna drop school for a while bc I want to prioritize my health first. I’m fat like risk of getting diabetes. Not only is it affecting my health but my self esteem and social life too. Right now, I’m in therapy and on meds that will help w depression, mood, energy whatever the therapist said. There’s people around me helping me that’s why I won’t fail them or myself no matter what. Even if I lose motivation, they will motivate me. It’s also kind of the first goal for me that I’m genuine about that’s why Im trying every way I can to convince my parents to let me drop and prioritize my health first. I have a plan but not a proper plan yet cuz have to ask parents, they the ones paying. Anyways during the break, I could be homeschooled or tutored + self study. I’m thinking being tutored is better cuz there’s a building here that is literally for studying, they have everything including drawing, library, study place, math all that stuff. After studying there for a few hours I’ll just go anywhere with my parents cuz therapist said try not to be alone and do anything to distract myself from suicidal thoughts. Then after they’re free, siblings back from school we will go out to exercise. Like swimming, badminton, basketball. They will also help me control my binge eating disorder. It’s not gonna be the same everyday. This is just my plan, not sure yet cuz have to discuss with parents and get their approval and talking to school bout it.

[raw sleet]

So then what are you waiting for? Talk to your parents about that plan :D They're pretty much a big part of it anyway.

Is it possible to study at home while still being registered at the school and coming only for exams? Maybe that's a middle ground.

[chilly veldt]

Oh wait good idea I’m meeting the principal tmr to talk abt this

I’ll try asking him that, feel free to give me any more advices on school thing I

[chilly veldt]

They want me to continue studying 😓 everyday I’m just annoying them trying to convince them LMAFO. Now it all depends on the principle

If the school says yea I can drop then my parents will follow it

[raw sleet]

Yeah but unfortunately your parents' consent has to be involved :')
If they want you to continue studying, then sure! You will continue studying, just not at school but at home.
And then when the time of the exams come you'll attend the exams and pass the school year just like anyone else. No time wasted.

This is what you need to talk to the principal about with your parents.

If you ask the principal on your own, they might think you're just trying to slack off and they might tell you "oh nah we don't do that here".
But if you have your parents, they provide extra authority.

[chilly veldt]

Good idea actually very good idea I can still access to teacher’s slides too

[chilly veldt]

Right😭 ima discuss tbsi with my parents and then update u about tmr

💥💥

[raw sleet]

Awesome, good luck!

[chilly veldt]

2 more hours before meeting the principal. Idk what to say to them 😭 do I start trauma dumping or smth

[chilly veldt]

Btw my parents said they will talk to the principle first and see what they say abt tjis

[chilly veldt]

@raw sleet r u online meeting is in an hour 😓😓

[chilly veldt]

Must I be totally honest

[raw sleet]

Hey

[raw sleet]

The important thing is to know form the principal this: is it possible to stay at home and only attend for exams?

[chilly veldt]

Hey everything is done

It’s going well

They said I should take a break and fix my mental health first

I can’t study properly because of my mental health and if I continue ljke this, my mental health will only get worse they said

It’s too much to do everything at the same time

They said I have a lot of time, that I can always study later

[chilly veldt]

This feels so weird and unusual bye bruh

😭

Now thag im trying help myself

I hope it gets better

[misty linden]

no wayyy u do igcse? if u need help w ur skl work jus dm me bc i litch did mine 4 months ago lol but only w sciences and maths bc i am shit at other subs lol

[chilly veldt]

Tbh I don’t think I have problems with learning

It’s just that I can focus, concentrate this year idk

Like my mind is just blank, no informafion would enter my head

[chilly veldt]

Can’t

[chilly veldt]

Anyways it’s all good now, the school principal told me it’s better if I improve my mental health first

Cuz the reason I can’t study properly is my mental health