honestly idek how to feel rn sorry if this isnt supposed to be here

[barren cedar]

I love my girlfriend, alot. But she gets mad at me over stupid things and calls me slow, and shit like that and it just makes me upset. Like literally a few minutes ago we tried playing a game i’d never played before and i didnt know where anything was and then she proceeded to say “why are you so damn slow? Other people have no problem but nooo you do.” And then i literally had to mute myself on call so she wouldn’t hear me crying and then we hung up and she sent Me this

[zinc bough]

I’m sorry this happened to you, bones. She’s emotionally abusing you. Being condescending and overall rude towards you.

Do you know what love truly is? Love isn’t a feeling, that is infatuation. Love is an action.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Does she love you? Does she truly show you love through her actions? I can understand if it’s maybe a mistake she did this one time due to stress or such, but if this is a repeated occurrence, then this isn’t love.

[barren cedar]

She loves me i know she does, its just everytime i dont understand something or ask her to repeat herself she yells at me and calls me slow and stuff like that. Theres been multiple occasions where ive had to mute myself on call for a few minutes just so she wont hear me cry

[zinc bough]

Then why do you think she loves you when she abuses you in such a way?

[barren cedar]

She says she loves me, every night and its not all bad its just if i dont immediately understand something she calls me slow, and usually brings up the fact im autistic. I love her and i know she loves me i just dont like constantly panicking about what to say to her so i dont get yelled at

[zinc bough]

She doesn’t call you slow in a joking manner, right? Hmm. Has she apologized for what she has done? Have you tried communicating to her about how you feel when she talks to you like that?

[barren cedar]

No its usually when she’s mad, usually “why are you so slow?” Or “nevermind, be slow then.” And ive told her before that it upsets me when she yells at me or insults me but she just says i shouldn’t talk so much then

[zinc bough]

When was the last time she showed remorse or apologized for what she did?
What has she done to show that she loves you besides uttering the words “I love you”?

[barren cedar]

I don’t really know

[zinc bough]

Then why do you think she loves you? Why are you so caught up on her? What good has she done that blots out the bad she does? Is it simply because she’s your girlfriend? Are you worried about what you’d do without one? So you have attached yourself to her in fear of being by yourself? This might all be speculation, but it’s at least food for thought

[barren cedar]

She says she loves me, alot. And we play games together and we have fun i just dont like it when she insults me and i dont like constantly walking on eggshells when it comes to what i should say.

[zinc bough]

But, what is words without action? If I say I love someone, then slaps them on the cheek five seconds later, it wouldn’t seem much loving.
Hmm, I’ll back off from that topic.

What would you like advice on, my friend?

[barren cedar]

I just don’t like being essentially scared of her

[barren cedar]

Im not scared of her just, im scared of being yelled at by her if that makes sense

[zinc bough]

I understand. And the only way of you not getting yelled at, is by picking up on things quickly, correct?

Let me ask you, how strong do you think human words are? How strong do you think the placebo effect is? How impactful is your own self view on your mental health and state of being?

[barren cedar]

Yeah.

To answer your questions im not too sure on the first two but for the last question its hard to say really.

[zinc bough]

I can bring articles for you if you’d like.
Each of them has a profound effect on humans. When a person was told that they were smart repeatedly, they performed better on testing and adaption. When a person was told they were stupid, they performed worse. I believe it was about a 15% rise/dip when it came to their intelligence.

For the placebo effect, athletes were given a cup of water twice, after each cup, they were told to run. They were told the first cup was water, and told that the second cup with performance enhancing electrolytes.
Even though both cups were water, the athletes ran 10% faster after drinking the second cup compared to drinking the first cup.

Your own self esteem, and self image, is critical. If you view yourself as bad, then you will do things badly. Do you love yourself? Do you enjoy yourself no matter the problems or strengths you have? Do you understand that no matter what mistakes you make, you are only human, and that’s ok because you can grow from all of that? Etc-

[barren cedar]

I know i know, and i just dk how i feel Im sorry if this is a stupid thing to say but i just really dont like it when she yells at me, and idk what to do or say. I just feel stupid being scared of my girlfriend

[zinc bough]

If you love yourself, treat yourself with respect, and do other such things, then you’ll feel so much better. You’ll also be quicker and smarter. Up to the level you desire.

And it’s not your fault. While you control how you feel, you are surrounded by a constant stimuli that is breaking you down. It’s hard. It’s difficult, so many people understand what you are going through.

If you truly want to stay in the relationship with no change except for you to get better, then I’d suggest taking care of yourself and doing mentally challenging tests. The more you play chess, the more you do mental challenges, the smarter and quicker you’ll become.

[barren cedar]

I actually quite enjoy chess, but i haven’t played in a while. I guess i could try playing again

[zinc bough]

Have you tried couples therapy, before? That would also help. Have you tried doing an intervention? You truly shouldn’t be changing yourself to form what she wants. Relationships is an equal burden. Both push and pull. It shouldn’t be you conforming to her, but you both trying to grow together.

[barren cedar]

I haven’t tried that yet, and im honestly a little scared to bring anything like that up to her. I’d rather just better myself for her

[zinc bough]

Why?

Why just only yourself be better?

[barren cedar]

Because i’d rather be better for her than upset or annoy her with stupid

Stuff

Can i ask a question

Quickly

[zinc bough]

Of course

[barren cedar]

She’s basically calling me the r slur if she’s bringing up the fact im autistic right? I aint being delusional?

[zinc bough]

Yes, by calling you slow, it’s meaning the same way as R. For R means that you are slow in either physical or mental development or adaption.

[barren cedar]

I hate that she uses my autism against me whenever we argue

[zinc bough]

So shouldn’t she grow to not abuse you?

[barren cedar]

I just need to better myself for her, she wouldn’t be saying these things if i wasnt doing somethin wrong

[zinc bough]

That’s in itself is wrong thinking. You are basing your own self worth based on what someone else says.
If a genius was told he was stupid, he would act and be stupid. This happens, so often in day to day lives. Take the school system for example. If you don’t excel in all of those subjects, then you are stupid. Yet, people are different. Some people excel at different things.

Also, people say things regardless of you are doing the wrong or right thing. You are assuming that she is right, that she knows better, that she’s more capable, that she understands better, etc.

There is a plethora of reasons she could be saying those things. She could be building herself up by breaking you down, she could have her own low self esteem. Did you know prideful people have some of the lowest tested self esteem? They act prideful so that they can get the approval of those around them.

[barren cedar]

I just feel so stupid i dont know what to do man

I feel stupid being scared of her

[zinc bough]

A lack of knowledge does not equal stupidity. And by calling yourself stupid will only cause yourself to act more so.

You are not stupid to fear your girlfriend, for she has rooted into your mind the fear of her. Since she has verbally abused you. While men are more likely to physically abuse, women are more likely to verbally abuse.

[barren cedar]

I just feel utterly pathetic if im being honest, because im meant to be the guy in this situation. For crying out loud im the mean one of my friends. And im scared of this 5’2 girl

[zinc bough]

You are applying stereotypes to yourself. Most men don’t even seek help when it comes to these situations since it’s a toxic culture of us thinking we are to be manly and do everything on our own. No, you should reach out. Get help. Talk with friends, go see a professional. I’d highly suggest couples therapy. Be firm if you have to. If you truly wanted, you could say “either we do couples therapy, or I’m leaving” and set an ultimatum.

Don’t feel pathetic because you are the one getting abused. That’s a problem with a lot of bullied people, is that they think they deserve and will just take it.

[barren cedar]

I dont want to leave her though, i love her. Alot

[zinc bough]

Sadly it’s more common than you think, but do you know what Stockholm Syndrome is?

[barren cedar]

I dont think ive heard about it before

[zinc bough]

I think you should look into it. It’s usually talked about in larger cases, but it can afflict all sorts of people. Example of the syndrome:
a person gets kidnapped, and over time, even though they are getting abused, they grow attached to the kidnapper. They start to love them even though they get treated badly.

This same thing happens in many abuse relationships. Where the person is so caught up in their emotions or feelings for another person, that they will look past their glaring flaws. Even if the other person is being destructive to you, you’d still love them.

[barren cedar]

I just, I don’t know. I love her, and I don’t want to leave. I can’t leave

[zinc bough]

And why can you not?

[barren cedar]

Because if i leave her i wont have anyone else, she’s all I have really

[zinc bough]

Would life truly be worse by yourself in comparison of being with someone who bullies you?

[barren cedar]

I dont want to be alone

[barren cedar]

Yeah

[barren cedar]

Sorry

[candid lantern]

U never are alone, if u feel like u need to chat with somone u can always find People online, family, if she bullies u that does not mean she loves u bc People usually show their true faces when they are angry (from expirience). U should not be scared to Leave her bc out there, in the outside world, there is a girl that Will Love u no matter what

[barren cedar]

I just really cant be alone, and i love her with all my heart

[candid lantern]

Like i Said, ur never alone, and if she doesn't Love u u need to tell urself that she is not worthy of u, that u deserve better person to be ur gf

[barren cedar]

But i love her, alot

[candid lantern]

I get it, u like her alot, but if she is mean to u u should not stay with her. If she would Have atleast apologize for her actions it would Have been better, but that way, im telling u, at the start it might be rough, but you Will find a person that Will Love u Just the way u are

[barren cedar]

I just dont know anymore

[candid lantern]

That is my opinion, think abaout it

Gn now, i gotta go sleep

[zinc bough]

Don’t apologize. Whilst you shouldn’t live your life based on how you feel, regardless, it is your life. You can do with it as you please. Christianity could help as well, but people seldom want to listen to me on that.

[barren cedar]

Im just

Tired

[barren cedar]

@zinc bough Can, i ask a question

[zinc bough]

Of course, you may ask anything!

[zinc bough]

I’m sorry, I understand.

[barren cedar]

I’ve considered christianity but idk what to do and i js dont know what to feel or anything like that

[zinc bough]

I became Christian when I was 17. I jumped from religion to religion, idea to idea. Never found anything that I thought was right or correct. Until I came upon Christianity. I dived into the word, I researched it, I saw how it was infinitely farther ahead morally than other religions, I saw how it used both science and math throughout the book. I saw that it was built on eyewitness testimonies, even outside the Bible there were eyewitness testimonies.
I read through the first four books of The New Testament, I saw how God, came down, and chose to sacrifice his own life for us, because he loved us. He chose to live like us for 33 years, did no wrong, got brutally tortured, died, and was resurrected just so that we can have a relationship with him. That way we won’t be separated from him.

Honestly, it was the love of Christ that changed me. No matter my past, no matter what I did, he still loved me. No matter what I’d do, he’d forgive me. And so I choose to serve him with my life, because he’s blessed me in such a way. My love for Jesus is the reason I live. These were my thoughts I had. I’m currently 19 now.

[barren cedar]

I think i’ll look into it, ive never really considered religion

[zinc bough]

I can understand that. I’m a Psych Major and almost have my Bachelor’s degree, both my professors and I agree that Religion can help one’s mental and psychological health by so much. Now, you can take my word for it, or you can research to see whether I’m right or not. You can also test it for yourself. I’d be happy to help if you want/need it.

[barren cedar]

I think i’ll do some research, thanks man

[barren cedar]

@zinc bough @candid lantern figured i’d let yall know whe broke up w me

After saying i give her the ick n stuff

[zinc bough]

I’m sorry to hear you guys broke up, due to knowing that it will probably hurt you emotionally. But I want to say, I’m truly joyful for you. For now, you are not being bullied, you are not being weighed down, your thoughts will learn to grow more positively, and you can start growing. Simply put, you can have hope.

Bones, a thing taught in Psychology is Role vs Basic identity. Role identity is what you are based on your circumstances. If you have a job, you are a worker. You are probably a son, you are probably a brother, you are probably a friend, you were a boyfriend but no longer.

Role Identities come and go. It’s labels we put on ourselves that define us simply, and will eventually go away. But, the problem is too often, people assign their Role Identity with their basic identity. And since Role’s are not unchangeable, meaning they will eventually change, they will. And it will hurt.

Someone close to me is wanting to go through a divorce, but she’s struggling to do it, for she says “what am I without him?” This is her putting her Role, a wife, as her basic identity. And when she’s no longer a wife, she has no identity. This will only cause pain and hurt.

Your basic identity is who you are, when all the roles are stripped away. It’s the base you, who are you? I know, because I’m a disciple of Christ, that no matter what happens to me. No matter what roles are stripped away from me, I am God’s child, whom he loves. I can lose my mental fortitude, my physical strength, my emotions, my everything. But I will still be his son, and nothing can change that. Neither life nor death.

Who are you, bones? Those who are not religious have a very hard time defining whom they are on their basic level without a changeable title.

If you don’t know, you can always say simply: “I am a human, and while I may not be perfect, I am made for growth.”

Also bones, you will probably be going through emotional turmoil right now. A simple psychological trick is this:

“What am I feeling and why am I feeling it?” This moves your thought process from the Amygdala, aka the emotional part of your brain, to your Pre Frontal Cortex, aka your logical side of your brain. It makes it easier to deal with any and all emotions by thinking on them critically.

I’ll be praying for you, my brother.

[barren cedar]

Tbh, im upset. Yeah im hella upset. But im kinda glad considering this is what she said to me:

[barren cedar]

Thanks

The “noises” she’s referring to is whenever she says smth and i say “ooh?” Because i want her to keep talking

[zinc bough]

I’m sorry to hear that, give it time, and you will find peace.
You are in highschool, right? The chances of relationships being able to last past it is extremely low. The thing with teens is that they strive for three things:
Acceptance from Peers
Identity
Independence from parents
Relationships give them lots of this. It makes them most of all, feel “loved” “wanted” “needed”.
But, the problem is, most teens struggle to know what an actual relationship is meant to look like. Majority of the relationships are just two broken pieces jamming against each other, trying to fit while still causing strife.
While no one wants to hear it, it’s usually best to stay away from romantic relationships until you become an adult. Out of highschool.
But, it’s your life to live, my friend. I can only merely give you advice. Now I’m gonna go, I have to take a shower, then head off to church, then go to small group, and then talk with my parents and their friends. This is my busiest day… so I won’t be able to talk much… I’m sorry about that. But again, I will be praying for you.

[barren cedar]

Thanks man, i think im js gonna play my game for a while tbh lol. Distract myself a bit

[barren cedar]

@zinc bough I think im a red flag, kinda funny but not really? Me n her found a rock, and we named it, drew a face n a buttcrack on it, made it a little hat. And now im crying because i js realised my rock son is a child of divorce