changing my routine- life

[pure fjord]

I need help- bascically wanting to rebuild my life with mental health struggles. everyday. a new try. sometimes I win. sometimes I fail. but yeah... I WANT to change not only because of other people and my health, mental, physical- the society but also my mum keeps pointing out my flawas which makes changing with MY OWN motivation hard

I just listened to a spanish podcast like- studying but it completely distracted me and I lost time and space and like idk I planned 25min and it ended up being 55min and now I end up being behind at everything ELLSEEE I wanted to do but it was soo distracting I didn't have to deal with like intrusive thoughts and like anxiety and all bruh

but now I will end up disappointing my mum again because it is like 1:30am again and and finish tasks and and I will stay up until 4am again and and because she wanted me to get up earlier-
I will sacrifice sleep again and end up with 5h of sleep again like the past 2 months now likee ??? I- why am I like this

[pure fjord]

I am so desperate- I just want somebody to see this and...honestly I don''t know anymore...I am waking up everyday with hope but end up failing again and staying up late and working on everything instead of one thing and and...all because I don't want- well essentially me mum to see me "succeed" and "change"...? this doesn't make any sense. I don'T make any sense....

[short creek]

this might sound bad but I want you to know motivation pretty much doesn't exist. You ever see famous athletes or ceos or billionaires? Anyone can assume they work hard and most likely have motivation but you need to realize motivation doesn't come to anyone automatically, motivation to acomplish something comes after you start doing something but obviously that leaves you with the question of how to start something. You can tell yourself all day LOGICAL reasons as to why to get something done but if logic worked for human beings everyone would get things done more often. The human brain often doesn't listen to logic and if it did a lot of people wouldn't have issues such as addictions and other problems. You need to realize and understand that the easiest it will ever be to acomplish something will be right now in this moment. If you don't want something to be difficult then get over yourself and just get it done. I'm not sure what your sitaution is so this may not work for you but hopefully it leads to you opening your eyes to new ideas and maybe providing a solution for you to improve in your daily life.
TLDR motivation won't ever just come to you so the easiest time to fix your flaws is now

[pure fjord]

I cannot post any pdfs in here- I made sth that explains what I- kind of need help with but anyway...thanks I guess?

[vivid ruin]

Your not the only one who needs help

[pure fjord]

I know

[short creek]

I cant guarantee an answer but I'd like to help if I can, feel free to dm me the pdf if u would like

[pure fjord]

really? I mean not sure how you could help but

[short creek]

Yea I def wouldn't mind trying

[pure fjord]

It's like, why do I? How do I for what do I write all of this down? I don't get it anymore

I want to change so badly
And everything is alright right now

I could just take breaks like every other human being
Let me mind just won't shut up

It always tells me to be more productive
I haven't done enough
I don't want this anymore

It always tells me two write my thoughts down
But I can't write them down in discard during my focus sessions, because that would be it's distracting

logical you know but also So messed up because at the end of the day, I have notes and thoughts everywhere and not just at one place

Right now I should be sleeping