Life Rant

[old hornet]

I didn’t come into this world easily. In fact, I was born prematurely, and it was a high-risk situation. For two months, I struggled to survive. I was so small, barely the size of a palm, and they had to keep me alive through medical intervention. During those months, I was fighting death every single second.

But it was my mother who suffered the most. I understand now—no mother should have to endure what she did, constantly hoping, crying, and praying that her child wouldn’t slip away in the next moment. I’m here today because of her unwavering strength and prayers.

I barely remember much from my childhood, but what stands out is the freedom I had at home. School, on the other hand, never felt like my place. There was a kid who was stronger than me, and he would physically hit me many times. I was labeled as ‘different.’ It was an old school, and most of the memories are hazy, but one thing I do know for sure—I didn’t have any friends there.

Home, however, was my escape. It gave me temporary comfort, surrounded by toys, PC games, YouTube videos, and my wildest imaginings come to life as I reenacted them. Looking back, those were probably the best times of my life. Nothing held me back from being creative.

||But I guess after that, What would've came by might've led me to my downfall? I discovered Mas----ation as early as I was 9 years old. It was the time where I experimented with myself more. And my school bully? Took advantage of that. He would "touch" me at places, Sometimes he would take me to the toilets to get a "clearer" look and do stuff, He became my "friend" that way. But at that time, I never felt uncomfortable... In fact, I kind of.. liked it? It led me to question my own sexuality but since I was young, I simply pushed it off as a "modern trend" or something "other kids do".||

Eventually, after everything that had happened, we had to return to my home country. It wasn’t a particularly memorable experience. The move was for my sister’s future studies, but things didn’t go as planned. Having lived abroad for several years, we had gotten used to the privileges and comforts of a foreign country, so adapting back wasn’t easy.

When we returned, I was given the option to go back to my old school and even skip a grade, but my parents decided against it. They didn’t want me to fall behind in my education by missing important learning along the way.

My new school is where things really took a nosedive in terms of happiness. At my old school, no one cared much about my behavior, and that gave me the freedom I craved. But here? People judged me harshly. Sure, I talked to myself and brought my creative visions to life in my own way, but they didn’t like how different—too different—I was. I wasn’t interested in the games they played; I existed in my own world, with my own imagination.

That changed in 6th grade, when we got a stricter class teacher who gave me a harsh reality check. Around the same time, this boy started filing false complaints against me. His goal was to get rid of me, simply because he wasn’t getting the attention he wanted from me. Fortunately, my classmates eventually caught on and exposed his lies.

But the school had a strict system—three warnings led to expulsion. I received two warnings: one for the false complaints, and the second for risking my friend's safety when we decided to ‘try something out.’ That was when people really began avoiding me, treating me like I was dangerous, almost like a murderer.

I continued to act in ways that others found strange—I laughed weirdly, screamed randomly, and said what people now would probably call ‘really cringey’ things. It felt like I just couldn’t fit in, no matter what.

Eventually, a few grades passed, but I still don’t remember interacting with many boys, except for one friend I made—someone who remains a good friend to this day. I finally found someone who shared my hobbies. He played Roblox, knew about Undertale (my favorite game at the time), and had similar interests. Most importantly, he didn’t judge me for my weird behavior. Instead, he and another friend often laughed with me, enjoying my unique sense of humor.

Though those memories are faint now, given how many years have passed, they bring a wave of nostalgia. Those days, even if rare, still stand out as moments when I felt accepted for who I was.

Seventh grade passed fairly smoothly, but then quarantine hit. If you ask me, it was the best time of my life—ever. While many people saw quarantine as a lonely period with nothing to do, for someone like me, with a vivid and intense creative imagination, it felt liberating. I was free from the constraints of school and able to truly live my life (at least until online classes started, haha).

During this time, I made a new friend online through Scratch, a kids’ coding website, and I met many others on Roblox. I even found the courage to use Discord. These new friends found my behavior entertaining and accepted me for who I was. It was a joy to connect with people who shared my interests.

||However being 13 also meant your hormones take a spike, I used to spend my day "enjoying" with myself thinking of the memories from my old school with my old bully.. I was fantasizing about it and wanted to go through the same experience again- Rather disgusting to say it out loud and I feel ashamed to. I had a childhood friend who came over one time and explained to him about what all the bully used to do to me. he was in for the idea too and we experimented tons with each other during his stay. We both enjoyed it, well I was, I wasnt sure of what he was thinking however, he simply played along. This was only because I got a bit too curious and excited someone wanted to play the "game" with me. I think whoever reading this is fairly disgusted. I still began questioning my sexuality.||

Eventually, the next two years went by really well. I finally got Undertale for free, allowing me to experience the game on my own tablet, along with its original spinoff, Deltarune. I immersed myself in fan-made animation series on YouTube related to these games. I wouldn’t say I was lonely at all; I often found myself interacting with various objects, bringing my imagination to life in new and creative ways.

||However this was also the time internet introduced p0rn and other things, I got too immersed into it and see "fan" arts of some of my favourite characters whom I "simped" for. The lust addiction was a bit too much, I often got busted by my parents but they brushed it off telling that it was something any normal teenager would do, but told me it was too harming.||

Eventually, I didn’t think much of it. I was very young and didn’t fully understand some of the terms, viewing everything as part of my creative imagination. Regardless, I had many friends online with whom I chatted and played regularly. It wasn’t all that bad, but staying at home really did suck at times.

Then came 10th grade, a year I would also consider one of the good ones. It was the year a girl, who secretly had a crush on me, asked me out because she liked my humor and behavior. I felt like I was on cloud nine, brimming with happiness. However, when I told my mother about it, she advised me to hold off. I didn’t want to hurt her precious heart, so I suggested that I could just be friends instead.

Being alone meant missing out on love and affection. This year, I craved attention too much. Some friends had moved away, and the online ones slowly began to forget about me. I became overly clingy and even fabricated signs of depression to garner her attention, fearing how I would cope if she were to break up with me. Looking back, that was my biggest mistake. Having her as a friend was one of the best parts of my life. After a few months, I eventually mustered the courage to ask her out myself because I genuinely loved her.

But this attention-seeking behavior became a significant problem, consuming me like a parasitic host. My relationship lasted for a year until we had to break up because her dad found out. She couldn’t choose between me and her father, and ultimately, she had to side with him.

Knowing this, I resorted to lying and even threatened to end my life to make her stay. I failed to treat her with the respect she deserved as a human being and guilt-tripped her into staying with me. I cut ties with her in an attempt to change my behavior, but she tried her best to comfort me; she didn’t want to leave but felt she had no choice.

Everything in the year 2023 led me to deem it the worst year of my life.

Not only did I lose my girlfriend, but I also became desperate for attention. I faked depression in our group chats and manufactured various problems, using my classmates as a means to seek sympathy. They would feel sorry for me, but I suspect they eventually caught on to my lies.

I became so consumed with the idea of getting a new girlfriend that I started hitting on every girl in my school, even targeting my classmates' girlfriends. As a result, they deemed me pathetic, untrustworthy, and not worth their time. Rumors about my behavior began to spread, and my reputation suffered as a consequence.

Eventually, I was removed from the class group chat multiple times. I would beg to be let back in, and although they gave me several chances, I exploited each one for attention. I took advantage of my friends online as well, including the friend I met on Scratch. I ruined his mental health without giving it a second thought.

||I used to try that "new game" out with my cousin, She was a bit younger than me, And me thinking she was dumb, exploited her for my sadistic pleasures. She didn't know much and I took that as a advantage everytime. She confronted me this year telling how sexually traumatized she became due to my actions and how disturbed she got after learning about what the actions i did and got scared and repulsed me. It truly broke my heart when she said the truth to me this year. But the worst part? She still loved me, She said she wouldn't leave my side, and deemed me as matured and changed enough to know better since we were pretty young at the time..||

I know I’m not a good person, that much is clear. Yet I continued to beg my classmates for attention. However, everything changed during the summer of 2024. In December 2023, I found a new girlfriend, and she’s the most precious person I’ve ever had. I genuinely hope to keep her by my side forever. There have been moments when lust almost overtook me, tempting me to cheat to satisfy my desires, but I was fortunate to resist.

This summer, I made significant changes to my behavior. I became a more silent, reserved, self-aware, and mature individual. It was challenging to break free from my toxic personality, but I recognized that my actions were wrong and made an effort to cut off those harmful behaviors.

Unfortunately, I’ve destroyed my relationships with others, and they aren’t willing to give me a second chance. I still have no friends, and my classmates don’t like me much. My parents have lost all hope in me, and I often face verbal abuse and harsh treatment for not being good enough.

Despite this, my newfound maturity has given me clarity on what I need to do. However, I feel stuck on where to begin and how to manage the important and fun aspects of my life. But I’ve changed a lot, and I’ve even accepted that I might be bisexual.