#I feel lost, and I don't know what to do.

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ocean spire
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This is a very long story, so please bear with me.

(I want someone to talk to or at least someone to share my situation with.)

I'm from the Philippines and I am 15.

So...
I have had this best friend ever since we were in grade 7 (We're in grade 10 now). Let's name him R. We're very close and open to each other. We're pretty much brothers. This summer, he asked me out of the blue, "Hey Avien! Want a girlfriend? I can introduce you to one of my cousins." "What the hell?! I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet bro. And I don't see myself being in a relationship. Love is pointless." I said. We continued talking and he asked me to pick between two of his cousins 😭. And so, I chose one... "I'm gonna invite her to your server now, okay?" R said. "NO DON'T. I'M SHY AND I'M BAD AT TALKING TO NEW PEOPLE, AND ESPECIALLY WOMEN." I said. He didn't listen and eventually invited one of his cousins to my server. And so... We talked. At first, it was awkward of course. It'd always be me, R, and her in a VC, and never just me and her. Let's call her N..

I met her already around a year ago. R said he was just gonna add his alt account to my server, but it was N, his cousin. A few days after N joined, she eventually left the server.

And this summer, I met her for the second time. (June 21, 2024)

As the days passed by, we eventually started talking to each other more and also called each other every day. We'd play Roblox every day. She was a part of the student council. She was the P.R.O. (Public Relations Officer). She made pub mats (public materials) to post on her school's student council. Also, she's in another city which is around 5 km away from mine.

R suddenly made a plan wherein me, N, and other friends would go swimming at his condominium. The plan was set on July 3, 2024. We were so awkward at first but I eventually gathered up the courage to talk to her. Below is what I wrote down in my diary on that day:

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AMAZING DAY.
Woke up early.
Cleaned the house.
Prepared to go swimming at R's condo with friends.
Agreed with my mom that she'd pick me up by 11 am. But she picked me up at 12:20 pm. I picked up G and we got on our way to R's condo. When I got there, A and H were already there. We ate and waited for a few more minutes until N arrived. I didn't get to properly greet her because of my shyness and I felt terrible about it. We then started swimming and had some fun. While swimming, me and N slowly started to talk. I apologized to her for not being able to properly greet her a while ago. A few minutes later, we all started talking and I was sitting beside her. She would sometimes bump her hand or leg into mine. And there were times when she would poke me a little and signal me that she wanted to hold hands. I held her hand for a few seconds and she let go. I guess she was shy about it since it was our first time meeting in person. After swimming, we showered and decided to eat dinner at the mall. We ate and the others were talking a lot while me and N were kinda quiet. I started to lose all of my confidence at that point and started to feel down. After we finished eating, she had to go back to her family, and R brought me with the two of them so that I could properly say goodbye to her. I did say goodbye but it was quite awkward. I started beating myself up about it and talked to G about it. But I slowly regained my confidence again thanks to everyone.
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*Extra:
N talked with H a lot since she was the only other girl there. A and H were also getting close to each other. They were even hugging and holding hands.

R - Classmate back then. Still in contact and very close.
G - Classmate. My closest friend. I don't open up to him but we understand each other. I just don't open up to him because he's not the type to listen to other people's problems. He's also not the type to share his problems. He's just like a brother to me:). I love him with my whole heart. He's such an amazing person. He also has a lot of experience in relationships.
A - Classmate. One of my best friends. Also doesn't share his problems. And doesn't know how to sympathize with others. Also like a brother to me! In a relationship with H.
H - Classmate. One of my friends. I'm not close with her but I can always open up to her about my problems. In a relationship with A.

A few days later after we first met in person, we started saying "I love you" to each other. We made it obvious to each other that we liked each other.*

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July 20, 2024, we had our first date. But we weren't officially together yet. Below is what I wrote down in my diary:

Today was my first date with N.
I arrived at SM San Mateo. Me and my mom were waiting for N because my mom wanted to see her. We originally planned to watch the movie "Twisters" but we were too late. Afterward, me and N went to the department store and bought some snacks. We then went to the rooftop while holding hands. The view was amazing from the rooftop and there weren't many people at the time. We started exchanging gifts. I gave my gift first. My gift consisted of 22 paper origami hearts with messages inside them, and then a big Penguin plushie. I then opened her gift and it was much better than mine. It had a letter, an octopus and sheep plushie, two hand-crafted flowers, and a mini Lego set. I almost cried because of the letter and how my gift wasn't that good but she assured me that everything is alright. Afterwards, we started building the mini Lego set but didn't finish it. We then ate lunch at Kyu Kyu Ramen. We both ordered the Cheesy Kontatsu Ramen. While eating, we were watching "Hunter x Hunter." She didn't finish her food so I finished it for her. After that, we went to a photo booth where she then hugged me for the first time. We then went to the arcade. After that, we decided to buy some fries at Potato Corner. While waiting for our order, N asked another customer if she could pet their dog. N looked so cute. We then rode the train which was mostly for kids but it's alright, it was really fun. After that, we went to take some pictures for our matching wallpapers. Then we went down to the ground floor because I asked if she wanted me to buy her a Mango Shake. While waiting for the Mango Shake, her dad suddenly arrived and saw us. He only knows that we're friends so we couldn't do much. I gave her the Mango Shake and said goodbye.

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*Overall, it was an amazing date. It was my first ever date. And our first one together.

We never met in person again since we didn't make any new plans.

Everything was amazing with her. We'd be on call 24/7. We'd be in sleep calls every day. But one day... Everything went straight downhill.*

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August 11 - Me and my mom went out to buy something. In the car, she was on a call with her fiance, K. He then asked me, "Avien, how are you and your girlfriend?". "We're not officially together yet," I said. "Huh? Don't you two tell "I love you" to each other?" K said. "Well... She said that she wants to take things slow, so I respect what she wants," I said. "Avien, isn't she just playing with you?" "You two say "I love you" to each other, and yet, you two are not officially together?" "She's just messing with you avien."

I was left speechless by everything that he said and stopped talking. I gave the phone back to my mom, and my mom noticed me upset after all that. She ended the call and talked to me about it. She said that I should at least hear K out. And so, I said, "Fine." My mom called K again and we talked. My mom then joined the conversation and they both started assuming things about N. "She's just playing with you." "How can you tell that she loves you, that she's not entertaining anyone else?" "Son, you're just desperate." "You look stupid."

"The two of you need to talk about what the two of you exactly are." my mom said. And so, I did.

I messaged N and asked her, "N, I have a question. What exactly are we? I'm just sorta confused with what stage we're in right now."

She replied, "I've also been thinking about that lately. I guess I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I assumed that I should've given you the love you needed instead of trying to get to know more about you in the first place. How about... We go back to that start? Let's get to know each other all over again."
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I felt heartbroken when I first read that message. I didn't want to go back to the start. But it was what she wanted, so I should respect what she wanted. But I also didn't want to lose what we already had. I only wanted to move forward, not backward. So, I told her. I told her that I didn't want it. I told her that just the thought of it hurts.
She said, "Give me some time to think. I also need to do something, so let's talk again later."
I told my mom everything that we talked about and my mom started assuming stuff again. She started saying stuff about how N doesn't love me and that she's just playing with me.

At that moment, I didn't dare to fight back and talk back to my mom. I couldn't tell her that N wasn't like that.
I went jogging and got back home. My mom asked about our conversation about "going back to the very beginning". I couldn't explain everything through words, so I just gave my phone to her and let her read our conversation. That was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

I told Nikki about everything that happened.

She said that she felt hurt by everything that my mom and her fiance said.
She also got hurt by how I shared our conversation with my mom.
She said that she would be talking to my mom about it. But she ended up not talking to my mom.
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She said, "I just wish that you fought for us when you were talking to your mom a while ago."
She told me that she was mad at me.
I told her, "I'll write a message to my mom about how you are not what they think you are."
"No, don't do that. I want you to talk to her. No script. No preparations. I want you to let your heart say the things you have to say."
"Now stop messaging me.
I may be mad at you, but always know that I always love you.
Good night"
I couldn't sleep the whole night.
I kept waking up every few minutes.

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August 12 - I woke up. I was scared. I was nervous. I was sitting on my chair for 30 minutes thinking about what to tell my mom. Later on, I went downstairs and talked to my mom. "Mama, can we talk about N?"

"Avien, I have nothing else to say. I've warned you and told you many times already, and yet, you never listened to me. You're just being desperate son."
I got ready for school and I talked to her again in the car. She decided to hear me out. I told her that N isn't what they think she is. I told my mom, "Mama, all I want is for you to support and respect what me and N currently have."
"Okay then, I'll try my best to support you two." my mom said. "I'm sorry if I said many bad things about N." She hugged me and I went to school.
Nikki didn't message me the whole afternoon. But she messaged me in the evening.
"I think I need some time to process everything that has happened. Honestly, I just feel so hurt Avien."
"Let's not talk for now."
I said, "Sure."
Before we stopped talking for a while, I asked her, "I just wanna ask you something. Will you still love me even when we're not talking?"
"Of course, I will always love you," she said.
And so, we didn't talk for a week.

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August 20 - I decided to message her. I checked in on her and how she was doing.
And she messaged me "I guess I'm okay. I'm just... Still very hurt from everything that has happened."
"N, I forgot to tell you that my mom already supports us. I talked to my mom about everything and she apologized."
"That won't change the fact that I've already been hurt from the things that she said Avien."
"Sorry won't do anything Avien."
"Avien."
"I think we should break things off."
I asked, "So like... We're just never gonna talk again?"
"Basically, yeah. We're just back to strangers starting now."
"Thank you for everything Avien."
I asked her if she believed that this was what was best for us. She said, "Yeah."
"Okay then," I replied. "Thank you for everything too Nikki."

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August 21 - I woke up from a nightmare. I decided to message her:

*Hey N, I know that it's already been decided that we should cut ties, but I've still been thinking of you, and I couldn't help but regret how I didn't ask you if we could talk things out. If there's another way to fix all of this. I just wish that I could make things up to you. But I've already hurt you so much. Is this goodbye? Don't you still wanna try to fix things? What can I do? Is it only just to go back to being strangers? You can just tell me what to do to make it up to you. But if you don't want any more, then sure. It's okay. I will accept whatever you tell me.

You don't have to reply if you don't want to. I'm sure you still believe that we should break things off. I'm just getting desperate to have you back. I just can't believe that this is goodbye. Just know that I respect your decision with all my heart. I'm ready for whatever it is that you'll say. Take care.*

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August 28 - She only unfriended and blocked me on Discord so far. But today was her birthday. So of course, I greeted her and wished her an amazing day. But when she saw my message, she started blocking me on every social media platform we had connections on.

I will add something extra.

She opened up to me back then, back when we still talked to each other, that she is currently bisexual and was genderfluid a few years ago. I was shocked at first and was left speechless. But I slowly accepted it and thought of it as no big deal since we deeply loved each other.

After we parted ways, I noticed that she made her pronouns on her social media accounts He/Him.

I don't know how to feel about this.

I've talked to many people about my situation already, but I feel that I haven't shared enough.

I'm still clinging to this hope that we'll eventually meet again in the future. 'Cause like... There's no way that we'll never talk to each other for the rest of our lives, right?

I'm just lost and clueless about what to do now.

All I know is to start improving myself.

She was my first true love.

It's all my fault. I hurt her so much.

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That is a lot...

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I am really sorry to the people who had to use a lot of their time to read all of this.

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:(

signal jetty
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It's like reading a story😭😭

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I'm also from the Philippines, from the very moment I saw the very detailed and precise time and date, I already knew you're heartbroken asf 😭😭

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Bro, you are young and you will and have to experience more heartbreaks, I'm sure you really miss her but

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It is what it is brother

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You can't skip "moving on" stage

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Just cry it all out

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Let it hurt

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Allow yourself to be hurt, to feel regret, to feel sadness.

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Just don't entertain the ideas of getting back together or the "what ifs"

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Also don't create fake scenarios in your head, that's just gonna make you miss her more.

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Wag delulu HAHAHAHAA

signal jetty
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Im gonna hold your hand when I say this

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Stop hoping that your paths will cross again in the future

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I know na there is always a chance

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But those "crossing paths" will be literal

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Just seeing her again on the street after a vey long time

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And that'll be it

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nothing more

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Moving on means killing the remaining love you have for her

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But it also means cutting all strings of hope

ocean spire
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OMG

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SOMEONE READ

ocean spire
ocean spire
ocean spire
signal jetty
signal jetty
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😭

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What hurts will hurt

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When life is hell, live anyways

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There is no light at the end of the tunnel

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just a change of scenery

ocean spire
lost apex
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Damn, mate. I'm sorry about what happened.

Also welcome to the "my ex gf is now a he" club. Here's a cup of hot chocolate milk. coffee

ocean spire
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what an honor to be a part of the club 😭

lost apex
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Pro tip: as a strictly straight guy, next time you see signs of genderfluid or something like that, don't risk it.

ocean spire
lost apex
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I also got to see these signs later into the relationship. I could have been more cautious, but as it was a one in a million chance for me, I just kept telling myself that it wasn't a big deal.

It was a big deal after all.

ocean spire
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i feel like all i need is just to know what to do moving forward

im starting to go back on my exercise and jogging routine
but during the times that i have nothing to do, i just remember everything that ive done. i end up trying to find someone to run to. i feel like i belong nowhere. i feel like theres noone there for me, but theres actually a lot, im just not opening up to them. god, im suddenly solving my own problems 😭

ocean spire
lost apex
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Btw this is the reason I joined this server 😄

lost apex
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I see we have a similar mindset about dating. Feeling like there's almost no chance even though there is and we are aware of it. 🤔

ocean spire
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imma add something

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we were never officially together

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WAIT

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DID I SAY THIS ALREADY

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HMMMMMM

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i dont know...

lost apex
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You did say it 😄

ocean spire
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oh my bad...

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🥲

lost apex
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It's okay 😄

ocean spire
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@signal jetty forgot to say. thank you very much for the advice :)

ocean spire
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soo

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I've decided to talk to G about how I've been feeling

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thes epast few days

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and it went unexpectedly well

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we may be literal opposites

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we may disagree on many things

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but he listened

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i talked

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he gave advice

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it was nice

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amazing

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i guess you could say that i got rid of that heavy feeling on my chest

lost apex
ocean spire
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we talked a lot last night and i guess the best thing i could do is just let things be the way they are, and most important of all, accept

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he told me that a big bad habit of mine is that i never confront my feelings, i just keep running away

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well starting now

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imma just accept whatever comes

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and whatever goes

lost apex
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I'm proud of you, man!

ocean spire
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thank youy!! :))

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i feel better today

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played badminton

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and listened well im class

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in

ocean spire
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acceptance

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all i need

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i cant send gifss?!

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😭