Im scared about love | The Therapy Center | Page 1

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 10:59 PM

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( i apologise about spelling and grammer, mostly just speed writing to clear my mind 🙂 )

hi there, im currently a 14 year old boy in Year 10 secondary school entering my GCSEs and here is my story of how i am scared of love.

When i was born my biological father left, when i was 6 days old. this was because he had cheated on my mother and with several women and later on after the divorce got said women pregnant. Until i was 9 i had to go to his house, he used to spank me if i didnt get him beers and would often get me to give my stuff to one of my half siblings, yell at me, hit ne or get me to get other women their numbers (while in relationships) it scared me and hurt. around 9 me and my sister (14 at the time ) finally told parents about everything and said we dont want to go, before this time he had threatened to hurt mum if we told or anything, we also used to cling to the car so he wouldnt take us.

around 9 like i said, the biological we will call him steve, offered since we said we didnt love him to be adopted by our stepdad, we will call him jeff, jeff had raised us since i was a baby as we didnt have a dad and he was amazing. eventually around 12 the adoption fully went through and i couldnt be happier.

last year during July i got with a new girl, we will call her grace, she was my first ever relationship as im not often the one to get crushes as i prefer to focus, she was sweet kind and funny and made me smile. thats all that mattered. after the first kiss things went downhill. by november it became weekly occurences for her to get into arguaments with others and began bullying my friend at this time, the relationship also especially for our age, became very physically based, mostly kissing, hugging and carressing if that makes sense. it felt gross and i wanted to enjoy my life and do coupley things. she also around september, told me about her mental issues, BAD ones, it took a massive toll on me and made me depressed

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by november i had gotten therapy, this was for my ptsd with my biological father and it ended up mainly helping, there were weekly sessions and id often feel scared down and sensitive after each one. slowly as the weeks went on by she was being mentioned more and more.

i was then diagnosed with PTSD, Autism,ADHD, meares irlans syndrome and severe anxiety.

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as march came i was constantly terrified, of school. not for the lessons or even my bullies, but my own girlfriend, with her often yelling and screaming at people and occasionally me, due to my ptsd this would often have me crumple, faint and sometimes even throw up.

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it slowly became more and more apparent the only way to make her happy and not talk about an arguament or something else i would have to use my body and kiss her, otherwise shed always scream and scare me

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eventually i began doing the things i did before the relationship again, going out with friends, focusing on my own projects, having sleepovers and enjoying myself, even spending more time just doing stuff i love

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because of this i could no longer have her round every weekend which i used to love

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after the whole physical thing i just was scared of it and relied on it

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i couldnt have a sleepover every weekend with her and frankly i didnt want to

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this caused her to become mad at me, id often forget to tell her when i was busy and she always had to know where i was, who i was with and often accused me of liking my (gay) best friend (female) since reception

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i began being told by everyone

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that it was toxic

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mean

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cruel

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and rude

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and i eventually snapped

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i broke up with her

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(btw everything to do with my father mentioned earlier left me with the image that if i ever drink, get into relationships, have yk what, get tattoos, yell or any of the sorts would make me like him and it terrified me)

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she began clinging to me for a couple weeks after the breakup

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still crying often about it

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as although she can be horrible

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i know she has a bad family and home

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but i dont think it excuses everything

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no excuse to be mean 😦

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as she is disabled mobility wise, ( she can somewhat walk) we used to use the elevator and kiss. and even after the breakup we still did

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clinging to it as the only thing left of her

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even though i hated it

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it hurt and felt bad

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i stopped

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and around the 3 week post break up she became spiteful

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overnight she met a new boy

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screamed

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ignored me

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blocked me

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yelled at me

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said my friends were sick of me

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everyone she was rude to before

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she suddenly was friends with again

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although most of them being uncomfortable by it

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and for the first time

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in 8 years

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i yelled

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i had a panic attack and couldnt think

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for 2 weeks after i felt sick

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and quiet

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i hated it

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and now i have nightmares and PTRS

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im scared of her

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scared of falling in love

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or evenbeing me

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i feel dumb about my dreams and feel weird again. im scared of her, more than i was my own father.

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the original plan was to wait til collage, focus on GCSES be happy and be the nerdy me, but its messed me up, i still want to stick to that now, but im scared of her and it makes school difficult

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im sorry that was alll a mouthful but thank you for reading 🙂

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:11 PM

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..not to be invasive bow.. but.. I've been reading your comprehensive talk since you started it and respectfully want to say that it's a dread that entropy has even dumped something like this on you, and especially at your age. You don't deserve any of that. You shouldn't've, and I pity it.

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while i am no amazing messiah of comforts, i resonate with your mental defficienes by proxy from your earlier message such as adhd and axiety, and in all honesty i would never wish this situation on anyone.

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:12 PM

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sorry, if i dont understand your responses, i struggle to read social ques and it makes convos difficult

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:12 PM

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sorry about that bow

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im saying that i feel bad for you, you don't deserve any of that

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:12 PM

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may i ask what bow means?

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:12 PM

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..it's.. the nickname i've rudely given you based on a portion of your name !!

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:13 PM

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distant socket im saying that i feel bad for you, you don't deserve any of that

thanks man 😦 i try to be the best

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:13 PM

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distant socket ..it's.. the nickname i've rudely given you based on a portion of your name !!

ohhh bow

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as in bowtie 🙂

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:13 PM

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mmhmm ✨

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:13 PM

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👔

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if ur wondering i wear suits

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lol

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i like formality

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and dressing nice

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1920s-1970s

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:13 PM

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delectable.. formality is inconsequentially a sign of tidiness !!!

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:13 PM

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my rooms always spotless lol

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just got a new pinboard and stuff

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and its slowly coming together 🙂

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feels cosier

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:14 PM

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oh how lovely

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:14 PM

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sorry about you having to read so much by the way

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i know its a mouthful..

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:14 PM

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oh don't even apologise for that, silly bow

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:14 PM

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wasnt expecting anyone to bother 🥹

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:14 PM

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distant socket oh don't even apologise for that, silly bow

ok 🙂 i say sorry too much

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:14 PM

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well to be frank this is the first time ive talked to anyone in months

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:15 PM

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distant socket well to be frank this is the first time ive talked to anyone in months

whys that ?

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:15 PM

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near steppe ok 🙂 i say sorry too much

well that's just fine then !! be yourself

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:15 PM

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near steppe whys that ?

i'd rather not talk about it too much but

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i had a rough half a year a few months ago

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..figured id be a social burden if i opened up to anyone too soon

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:15 PM

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i have the same thought 😅

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:15 PM

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if anything, reading your struggles was a nice view that not everyone has it better than me

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:15 PM

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yeah i get that

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reading others can sometimes level things out

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:16 PM

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..i'm not saying your situation was nice
the cards life dealt you were extremely unforgivable

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..and.. for your age is

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frankly also unforgivable

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:16 PM

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sorry

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:16 PM

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nooee it's not ur fault silly

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i just wish you had it better

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:17 PM

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means alot

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:17 PM

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i'm glad it does because frankly all im capable of is being here for you

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but

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that also means that im still here if nobody else is.

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..having the world feel like nobody is there for you is devistating

near steppe Sep 19, 2024, 11:18 PM

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yeah

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it doesnt help either that even the friend who grace was bullying became friends with her again

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good friends

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and now often plays tricks on me with other people to make me not run away

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even once grabbing me

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@distant socket ping incase u dont get notif

distant socket Sep 19, 2024, 11:20 PM

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near steppe even once grabbing me

i hope that in any case

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while i can't do anything about that

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that once time gets a scurry on

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you can leave that place and start anew

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and forget all of the tyranny of peoples minds

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..being burdened by minds less capable and driven by hatred.. deserve to hold no place in your life

#Im scared about love