kms (Janky´s journal) | The Therapy Center | Page 1

weary walrus Aug 31, 2024, 7:51 PM

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i am really scared of starting school again

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i was already talking about this with two other listleners but i still kind of feel unsure and need to vent about it

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i am scared of going to a social setting and talking to people and being well seen more

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the end of the last year was kind of akward

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i was feeling like an worthless hated idiot

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i was skipping pe the whole second semester beacuse i cant play sports i am really bad sports and my classmates were kind of judging me for it this is the only time people were judging me openly

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and yeah i got home with a bad feeling in my stomach

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then stress like from presenting a project or reciting poetry (schools in slovakia do that not sure what other schools do that)

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i would so stressed out either i would after just feel like a total idiot or on some ocations i would cry

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or i feel like i am judged by everything i do

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how i walk

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how i speak

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what i say

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where am i

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what games i play

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like sometimes i was openly judged by this kind of stuff but it was like a friedly not taken seriously kind of way saying youre an idiot

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i of course took it kind of seriously

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and yeah overthink my whole existence beacuse of it

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sometimes i would just start thinking of absolutely everything and just sometimes i just stared at a wall sometimes someone would come up to me and ask whats wrong i of course say nothing

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i would very many times sit alone

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on breaks

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beacuse i dont just feel that i dont belong

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i know it

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i dont belong in my boy group of classmates beacuse well they are more into sports some taking drugs and i am not that kind of person

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and feel many times like an idiot for liking science and more childish things like pokemon or other stuff

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my classmates dont reallly call me outside or stuff

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i was going with friends on the begining of summer and now i dont go out with them

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i sometimes go out with my best friend

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but that is sometimes

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and my classmates well lets say friends dont really call me out they called me out 3 tímes through the whole summer

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of course i was on a vacation on a camp

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but when i was free i most probably sit on my pc and do nothing

weary walrus Aug 31, 2024, 8:15 PM

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weary walrus i was going with friends on the begining of summer and now i dont go out with th...

i feel like they kind of hate me (sorry for going to this again)

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i have no idea if everybody of theese people hate me

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but i really feel like they do

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for some reason

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but yeah i liked being alone the whole summer

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even thogh i felt worthless and hated

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i liked being alone

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i was running in my room thinking about stuff and talking to myself

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and be for a long time awake

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also today i wanted to go to sleep at 10 pm but its 10:19:17 at the time of this typing

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so i will most probably dont go to bed

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until like 1 am or 2 am

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and also the three times i was with the classmates i wanted to go home like after 3 hours or more

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beacuse i was getting kind of paranoid

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with my bestfriend i kind of wasnt i could be with the whole day

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and i would be probably ok

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but with other people no

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also i want to talk about the camp and the vacation

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in this summer i was on two camps

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one was a camp where they explained science

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and math

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i didnt really talk with people there

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but with the ones i did

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i had a kind of a good time beacuse they liked something i also did

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but the second one was a well a good camp

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but a really bad expirience for me

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well for starters it was a chess camp

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i cant really play chess

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i am still learing

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and we were selected into groups and in each group was one captain

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if you won in chess battles your group gets points

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of course i cant play chess

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there wasnt only

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there was football

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a thing i also suck at

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and one activity

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that people have to go on

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i chose drawing and table football

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wich i found out i also suck at

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i have lost all of my table footbal matches

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so yeah

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i felt our captain hated me beacuse i was worthless and lost every table football match then what i didnt metion was table tennis

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failed that one too

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and footbal wasnt that bad but we lost some matches beacuse of me

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like in the finals beacuse we somehow got there

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i was sick

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so i couldnt play

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i felt like its beacuse of me

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that we lost

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some days after every activity i would just get in the dorm before everybody else cry and overthink everything then people would come and kind of forget about stuff

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the last day was the worst one

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well it wasnt the last day

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but i count it as a last day beacuse it was the last day of activities

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people were partying in the dorm next to us

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my roomates thought they were making too much noise

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so they were knocking on the wall of their dorm

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and throwing stuff from the window to their dorm

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of course i was trying to stop them

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beacuse the 5 people that were in the dorm would get all in trouble beacuse of 2 stupid people that were making the problems

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then i went for an adult and when we were going to my dorm we crossed the path with the people that were partying

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they thought that they are in trouble, they werent

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but i felt that i messed everything up and they hated me

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beacuse i wanted to stop my roomates from making stupid stuff

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she stopped the roomates

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and yeah the rest of the day i felt like an total idiot

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there was this girl that i liked that was in the group that were partying

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and after the day the day we were taken home

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before taken home wich was like at 12 or 14 am cant remember

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even though i felt hated by her and them

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she was still kind of talking to me

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when i was leaving she sait to me wish you a good ride home

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so yeah

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but i still feel like an idiot and really hated by everybody

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from the camp

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when i got home i wanted kill my self

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also

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on the camp

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there were like messages and they would read them before every chess game and i one time someone had written there if anybody moves theyre gay

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it wasnt me

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but jokingly i said

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you moved first

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the camp leader just looked at me and i felt guilty

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but that bad

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and we were talking on the dorm with my roomates

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and they broad up the if you move you are gay message

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appereantly

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the camp leader has asked someone if he wrote it and said to him that it could totally affect if he can come a second time to the camp

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and that made my hearth stop

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and i am not sure if i want to go on this camp again beacuse everybody theres in my opinion hates me

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and i am not even sure if they would let me go on the camp

weary walrus Sep 1, 2024, 9:53 AM

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i want to kill my self

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i have no will to live

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i have no goal in life

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and if i did

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i am so worthless and bad at everything

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and couldnt i wouldnt be albe to do it

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who would actually care if i died

weary walrus Sep 1, 2024, 6:46 PM

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tomorow the first day at school

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starting grade 8 (in slovakia we have a school system of having 9 years of elementary or primary then 4 years of high school and 5 years of college)

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i hope it wont be that bad as the last year

weary walrus Sep 1, 2024, 8:53 PM

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Should i start drinking and taking drugs to escape this world

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I know it can kill me

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But i cant do it my self

weary walrus Sep 1, 2024, 10:06 PM

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I have actually no will to live

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Its like i deserve this feeling and death

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I havent done anything good

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Just broke stuff

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Made mistakes

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I just dont think i deserve to live

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I think i should die right now

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At this second

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But i am not

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For some reason

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I shouldve overdosed my self

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It wouldve made everything easier

weary walrus Sep 2, 2024, 2:02 PM

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toaday first day of school

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seems ok for now

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but i am waking up every morning at 6 am

weary walrus Sep 2, 2024, 3:32 PM

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in the next year i am going to the ninth grade the last grade of primary school

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and i have no idea to what high school i will go

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and i am not sure if i even will pass the test needed to go to a high school

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i am just so useless and scared

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i have a feeling i will screw it up

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and also its like in a year

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why am i stressing about it now

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probably beacuse this year we are going to be listing schools we want to go to

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like every semester in the 8th and 9th grade you choose some high schools you want to go to

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and i still have no idea

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to wich one i want to go

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i am so hopeless and stupid

weary walrus Sep 2, 2024, 5:19 PM

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i want to talk to someone even thogh i know it wont help

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but i am just feeling really bad

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but i can be do anything else and my mind is on that

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i dont know

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if i am insane

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or something

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does it really matter ? are you asking i am not sure if i understand

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i am sorry

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well yes

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it can affect absolutely everything in my life

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my carrer

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my logical thinking

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everything

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i think

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i am not sure

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i wasnt diagnosed

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but many things match with the stuff i heard

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i wasnt diagnosed beacuse beacuse to a pshychiatrist

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or any profesional help

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thats okay

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oh

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why do you want to move to the u s

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us*

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oh

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what carrer are you looking for in the us

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oh

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thats cool

weary walrus Sep 3, 2024, 4:49 PM

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i again was running around my room and talking to my self

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and making a scenario

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but i just realised it and looked in the mirror

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and asked my self

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am i insane

weary walrus Sep 6, 2024, 11:03 AM

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I just looked out from a Window in school batériou

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Bathroom

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Should i just jump out

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I would be so easy

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I would be so glad to be able to let my self go

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To hell

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Beacuse i belong there

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I am so f*cking useless

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And worthless

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That even god turned away

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I have actually no f*cking will to live

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Why am i still sranding here

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I have no reason to live

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Why do i still brother

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Bother*

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I deserve death

gleaming comet Sep 6, 2024, 6:53 PM

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no u dont

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no one deserves death

weary walrus Sep 7, 2024, 8:25 AM

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But i do i havent done anything good in life

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Just mistakes and f*ck ups

weary walrus Sep 7, 2024, 7:45 PM

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i am now realising

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i am totally alone in this

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maybe i talk to people here on discord and they help me

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but in real life

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i am actually

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totally

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alone

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i have no one to talk to about this

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beacuse i am scared to tell anyone

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and when they come up to ask whats wrong i am just gonna say the biggest bullsh*t

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i dont know if they believe my lies

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but that just makes me feel more broken

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why dont i say the truth

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?

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beacuse i am scared that i am not gonna be understood

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or i am gonna pull people down with me

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or i am gonna look like a b*tch in their eyes

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or i will be more hated

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or they will be too shoft with me

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wich i need discipline

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its the thing that is killing me

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absolutely

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but it should be the thing that heals me

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as well

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also want to point out

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my ex came up to me yesterday cuz we had a free leason we werent doing anything

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and rather going to talk to someone to have a interaction with someone

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no i was sitting alone maybe was on my phone

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and staring out the window overthinking everything in my life

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my ex in the seets in front of me was talking to my two other classmates

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i dont even know what they were talking about

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maybe i heard a word or two

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but i geniuonly dont know what was the theme of their conversation

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ive heard something about her dad

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dont know

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and the whole leason i was sitting there and she just randomly came up to

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and asked me if im like ok or am i listeting to her conversation

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i am like in my mind sh*t think of something quickly

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and i cap my ass of by telling her

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oh the tearcher said that nitrogen is toxic to the human body and i am like discusing with my friends and looking up why it is toxic beacuse it doesnt really make sence

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like ok she went away

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and yeah

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i am a f*cking little liar

weary walrus Sep 9, 2024, 5:46 AM

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I am in school rn

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And for some reason i am getting extremly nseuons or i have no idea how to type that

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I am just getting sick

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Let say it like that

weary walrus Sep 9, 2024, 11:32 AM

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I am feeling like i am just bothering and annoying everyone

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And destroying everyones lives

weary walrus Sep 9, 2024, 8:22 PM

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i am so annoying and bothering litteraly everyone

weary walrus Sep 10, 2024, 8:43 AM

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I dont deserve life

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Why should i ?

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I only do mistakes and f*ck ups

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I am destroying everyones life

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I hate my self

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I should kill my self

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How am i still haging on

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How the f*ck am i still living

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How can i still be living like this

weary walrus Sep 11, 2024, 8:48 AM

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Today on math class i was theres a group of students that are gifted or better in math so teacher gives them a special paper

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I am one of those in the group

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And also my ex is there

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And we were solving the thing all of us alone

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Taht are in the group

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And she just kind came up to me cuz she didnt know how to solve one equation

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My question is

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How the f*ck

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She can look at me and talk to me like a human being

weary walrus Sep 12, 2024, 8:54 AM

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Kms

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Like i dont deserve to live

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I have done do many bad things

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If i dont deserve death i deserve this mental torture

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I am destroying lives

#kms (Janky´s journal)