My Clinginess & My Crippling Anxiety of Being Left on Read

[loud rivet]

I... don't know how to write this coherently. Someone really close to me just came back into my life. We met on this year's Valentine's Day, which was like, 6 months ago, or something like that. We were friends then, and I genuinely showed genuine interest in her. But, I never showed any signs of interest or told her how I actually felt since she had a boyfriend back then and I wanted to show respect to that.

So, we talk every once in a while during those times. Not every day, just once every few days or so to catch up on what we're going through. Eventually, a few months passed and she was going through the most toughest moment she had ever the displeasure of experiencing in her life. In a short time frame, her boyfriend lost feelings towards her and left her, all of her friends abandoned her, she got fired from her job, and worst of all, she contracted adenomyosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. Diseases that only 5% of women on this planet have and women who do contract those two diseases often don't survive that long. But, she was one of the very few extremely lucky people who survived to tell the tale. She went through surgery without minimal issues and the doctor even helped pay the medical bills for her as her family was having financial issues.

In a short time frame, everybody she cared about left her. Everybody except her family. Her entire future was shattered in front of her. She had dreams of getting married and starting a family, and now, she doesn't feel... anything. The only person who still keeps in contact with her is me. I don't talk much, but I listen. I wish I could be there with her and comfort her. It just, it just hurts to see her like that.

Eventually, we started talking more and more. Like, on a daily basis now, and seeing her bedridden like that, unable to move, unable to eat, unable to walk... it makes me shed a tear. The last we ever talked was the day before her birthday. May 14th, 2024.

[loud rivet]

On that day, I build up the courage to tell her how I feel about her. I told her how much I admired her perseverance. Her dedication to fighting back with every inch of her body despite everything that had happened to her. I told her how much I admire her sense of humor, her personality, her smile, and her caring nature to take time out of her day to talk to someone like me.

And then I told her how much I loved her and how I kept it a secret for so long. All of this was happening while we were texting each other. Despite all of her flaws and the things she was going through, and will go through for the rest of her life, I wanted to spend my whole life alongside her regardless. To experience the pain alongside her. Despite her hardships of living with her diseases.

She told me that she felt the exact same way towards me. She was shocked that, for so long, I kept my feelings towards her hidden for so long. But, I told her that at that time, she was still with her ex, and, I respected that boundary and the relationship that you had with him at that time. So, at that time, I just admired her from a distance but still conversed with her as a friend.

After that, We talked more about stuff we kept hidden from each other for so long. Like, how we're both really clingy and how we both could easily get too attached to someone really close to us. Like, some of our traits matched together and we were both each other's types.

I ended the conversation there as the day after was her birthday. And I decided that I wanted to surprise her. I'm a big fan of literature, so, I had, like, a really cheesy and romantic idea of writing a poem to ask her out and stuff like that. I even wanted to show her the cake that I bought a while back, and I wanted to celebrate her birthday together despite our distance from one another.

[loud rivet]

But, several hours later, I got a text message from her. But, it wasn't from her this time. It was from her sister using her account. She... passed.

She... didn't actually die... though. She did but, while her body was being moved to the morgue, the doctors saw that her body was twitching a bit and brought her to a nearby hospital. Only a few of her family members found out what actually happened to her. But, as far as me and her sister were aware, she's been dead for 3 whole months.

For 3 whole months, since I believed that she was gone this whole time, I've been living my day-to-day life with a glass half-empty. I just felt completely empty. I wasn't pessimistic. I wasn't optimistic. I wasn't even nihilistic. I felt... numb. I just stopped caring about whatever was going through in my life.

But, throughout those 3 months, me and her sister have been venting to each other of how much we missed her. We talked a bit about school and stuff we've been going through, but mostly it was about her and how her death has been affecting us all this time.

Then suddenly, on August 24th, I was playing the game that me and her met for the first time and her sister was on her account on that day and decided to join my game. She joined me to bring me the news that, this whole time, she wasn't dead. She was alive! It was hard for me to decipher what she was talking about as her English wasn't that good. But, from what I can tell is that, this whole time, she was never dead. The doctors were shocked and had never seen anyone fight for their life as hard as her before. This whole time, she was in a coma. For 3. Straight. Months.

I was ecstatic to hear the news. She's alive! What's even more surprising was that she just woken up from her coma and that she's coming back home. I was... I couldn't describe how happy I was to hear the news.

[loud rivet]

I was also a bit worried as well. Her sister also told me that she couldn't remember much since the last we both talked. From what we can tell, she was still stuck in February, even though it was August 24th right now. But, it didn't bother me that much, as long as she's back, I'm happy.

When she finally came home, her sister gave her her phone back and told her that a special someone was waiting a long time to talk to her. And... she didn't... remember me. Her mind was a bit blurry, and it must've been pretty awkward for her to wake up from a long nap just to get a phone call from a stranger who suddenly confessed his love for her. I was a bit sad that she didn't remember anything that had happened since we last talked but, after refreshing her memories a bit, some memories of her slowly and slowly came back.

It's a bit surreal to think about it. I've heard stories of people suffering from amnesia. I've played games revolving around the concept of amnesia but, never have I ever experienced someone close to me going through it before.

It's as if your mom forgot who you are one day. The only people who could help bring back her memory were you and her family. She doesn't have anyone else, and as far as she was aware, she thought she was still friends with some of those people, even though most of them had already cut ties with her a while back.

It was depressing to see her in this kind of state. She lost a bit of weight since we last saw each other. And the fact that she doesn't remember much about me breaks my heart a bit. What's a bit more concerning though is some memories regarding her past were also gone. So, some of her admirable personality and sense of humor were gone.

[loud rivet]

After talking and helping her refresh her memories for a few hours, she saw I made a post on Instagram dedicated to her. the post was made on her birthday, and I also had to rewrite the poem that I initially wrote for her back when I confessed to her. And that helped jogged her memories a bit further and helped her remember who I was to her before... everything.

So, yeah. Ever since she came back into my life, we've been video-calling each other ever since. Doing sleep calls and stuff like that. But, last night, when we were doing our usual sleep calls, she told me that she needed to hang up as one of her longtime friends was calling her and that she would call me back soon.

So after we hung up, I sent her a few "cute couples" Instagram reels with me commenting on all of those reels as "Us" and then I told her how much I love her on WhatsApp and continued with my sleep. When I woke up 7 hours later, the double checkmarks were still grey since the last I sent her the WhatsApp messages. So, my anxiety peeked a bit, but then I remembered that she was still suffering from adenomyosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome and remembered how the past few days she had to end the call early to go to the hospital and the pharmacist. We live on different parts of the Earth, so we have like a 12-hour difference between one another.

So, to calm myself down a bit, I let her know that I woke up and told her how much I missed her and watched some Esports Vods on YouTube. Then, several more hours passed and my anxiety peeked again. I saw that she was online playing that game that we used to play a lot back in the day. But, while writing this post, I remembered that her little sister likes to use her account to play on rather than on her own account. So, my anxiety dropped a bit.

So, a few more hours had passed and I saw that she was online on that game again, but this time, I think it was her and not her younger sister. When I found that out, I decided to message her on Instagram and tell her how much I missed her. But then in like 30 minutes later, she went offline again. But, before she did that, she read my Instagram messages and changed her profile pic there and on WhatsApp, but she didn't reply back on Instagram nor did she read my WhatsApp messages.

So, that was the reason why I'm writing this post. At first, I wanted suggestions for any of you who took the time out of your day to read all of this and have gone through a similar event. But, after writing all of this and thinking to myself, I kinda realized that maybe she was just busy throughout the whole day. And that her sister was just using her phone to play on her account. Regarding her not responding to my WhatsApp messages, and her changing her profile pick. I remember that I sent her those messages at like 3 in the morning at her time, and she only saw it and like 4 in the morning. So, I'm guessing that she was super tired and that she didn't have enough energy to read all of my WhatsApp messages, let alone reply to any of my DMs. So instead, she decided to change her profile pic to show that she's still alive and that she still thinks about me.

Man, I overthink a lot. I gotta get rid of this nihilistic viewpoint that I have when it comes to relationships. Most of the time it's not that big of a fucking deal. Sometimes I just need to sit back, think, and just imagine myself in her shoes and what she's been going through. Some flaws within you just take so long to fix. Maybe I need a wingman, or a coach, or something I dunno.

God bless this platform for existing. It gives me a safe space to rant and talk to myself and to others who are going through similar issues as me. If this platform never existed, I would still be shaking and crying in my bed right about now.

I may update this post in the future if similar issues arise. If not, then, everything went smoothly between us.

Thank you all for reading. God bless you all, and take care.

[undone axle]

Hey, I read it all. Quite a journey you have been through. It really piqued my interest tbh, the story of her and you. And well suggestions? I am not very sure. But you overthinking so much reminds me a lot of my boyfriend. He has the same issue, he overthinks about the slightest of things with maybe no severe results. You seem very similar to this.

I think you're being very impatient, and are jumping to conclusions. I read how you feel that you might've just realised that she must be tired or busy. Unless you come across a more stable reason why she did not message you or was seen playing or changed her pfp. Please try to not overthink regarding that. I mean me telling you not to overthink doesn't help really but you know what I mean. Unless you find some stern evidence showcasing why her behaviour is unusual compared to other days, do not jump to conclusions.

It just makes you more anxious, I say this to everyone. If you can't think of anything other than her. Get yourself busy. That's the only way. This is testing your patience and so you need to remain calm until you know about why such things are happening.

Do just anything, but get yourself busy so you don't worry so much unnecessarily at least till you find some good reasons why all of this is happening.

I'll stay online here(if I can, no certainties), you can come again and vent more if required.