this is big tea and im going to rant a lot in this journal, feel free to give some advices
#ranting and advice, a journal
quaint wind
#1 / Tuesday, 6th of August 2024, 23:25UTC
Today im going to talk about this guy, M, oh I have so much to talk about M.So m is this guy I’ve met on my childhood years (so I’m currently 15, met him like at 7/8 years old?) in a common class we took in an extra-curricular activity, nothing special really. We didn’t got really close but apparently now that we talk he says he found me really cool and he remembers so many details that I don’t about that time, I kind of feel bad for not knowing these stuff, because apparently it left a mark on him in a positive way about me.
We are born on the same year and go at the same schools but we aren’t in the same class. We used to say hi to each other when we would pass by each other and hug/hand shake whatever. Nothing special but yeah. I’d already find him attractive which is weird because I don’t usually find men attractive (im straight, curious or whatever. still exploring, not denying anything. i will be whatever the future tells me, I don’t have to hide nor I want to, I just don’t know.)
Like I’d find him attractive but in a way like “oh yeah he is hot” not a “oh he is cute” if you know what I mean.
We never really like went out together at this point. So, recently, he started hanging out with our friend group (he got introduced to us by another friend), so I made sure like he felt integrated in the group, as one does, that’s what I would want people to do to me if I was new to a friendgroup. So we started hanging out more, also 1 on 1 time, just us. He started showing interested for a girl of our group, let’s call her R, but she didn’t really show any interest at first.
So we started hanging out, talking more, getting to know each other and our past experiences.
Not that I tried to force anything to happen, we just started sharing naturally.
So, we would be really close, sometimes almost hugging on my bed talking about these things.
When I would go out with him, he looks at me when im not looking and when I look he laughs. Still, doing this while “wanting” R.
He would often ask me if he looks good, if I like his hair that way or if he is eating too much or stuff like that. Not that I started having ideas of anything at this point.
So, once we were on the subway coming back from the beach (we go a lot to the beach just us two) and I was so tired I layed my head on his shoulder, he smiled and just left it like that and even arranged himself so I’d be more confortable.
Also, he remembers EVERYTHING I say, like, EVERYTHING. I even feel bad for him remembering everything. Also he is so sweet, he tells me stuff he doesn’t tell anyone else, he trusts me.
He often hugs me and kisses me on my head or cheek also, my stomach goes pffffffff when he does that. When i do to him, I feel like he feels the same. Even my best friend which is a lesbian noticed that our friendship is “weird”.
Moving on, on my town there is a festival that lasts 3 nights, so we went, and in the first night he and my best friend slept at my place. I was mega drunk and he protected me and brought me home “safe”. We slept on the same bed, SHIRTLESS, and talked for two hours before going to sleep. I slept on his chest, he had his arm around my shoulder and I kissed him, to which he replied “oh, you kissed me”, which I apparently said “sorry” and he laughed. (I say apparently because I don’t remember, he told me this) Also we slept with our legs together (like mine above his and I could feel his p) , and we hugged and all. My best friend woke up early and we were asleep, I left bed to go take her to the door and the minute I jumped to bed again I received the most warming hug ever, damn I felt like a king.) All of this while he is still being interested in R. I just don’t know if he thought he had to do that or we wanted to.
We never spoke about this, but I feel so safe with him, he also says we need to go party again just to sleep again at my place. He also invited me to his place but he lives kinda far so still didn’t get the chance to go there.
But now I have to confess, I messed up. During the second night, I kissed a girl in front of him (I was really drunk) and he might have lifted the guard again, not like going away but being less gay. He is in the closet and so am I, but I don’t have the balls to tell him directly that I like him, so I give small signs, as much as I can without being too obvious.
Previously, before this festival , his ex asked him if he wanted to hookup with her. He asked me, and I said that if he liked other person he wouldn’t. He didn’t hook up with her. So like I feel like I broke that something we had. But he still talk normal, everytime we meet we are always very close and hug a lot, even with my friends nearby. Honestly I think they know, I don’t try to hide st least. We text 24/7. He takes time to reply to me. It just makes me so special. We have big deep talks, I love it.
This week I am away for vacation and he told me he’d miss me! Like aw that’s so cute.
Once I told him “lol I love you” but as a joke but he just stood there for 3 seconds before replying.
Today, he went out with our friends watch the sunset, he called me just so I could see it.
I just don’t know if this is just being friendly or he actually wants something. And if yes, how to approach him? Because he is “straight”, I don’t want to scare him off.
I have big doubts if he really is interested in R or if it’s just a coverup. I don’t know.
I wish I could just tell him my feelings, but I can’t. I’m just too afraid I’ll be rejected and outed of the closet unnecessarily. I really like him but I don’t want to take risks, because I never felt attracted to a man like I did to him.
quaint wind
#2 / Wednesday, 7th of August 2024, 01:03 UTC
Lmao this is unexpected. So today my friend group went out without me cuz I am on vacation so I couldn’t attend and M just told me that a motherfucker that just joined the group is talking bullshit about me, I don’t even know it. Tried talking to R about that because she is kind of the leader and me and her argued about something stupid previously and she was completely stupid and didn’t care AT ALL that I was hurt and sad and uncomfortable with people that I don’t even know saying shit about me. I thought she was my friend bruh and she does this to me? Oh fuck her dude. Like what did I do. I thought your 3 year friendship mattered more than the guy you just met.
Trying to talk with M about what happened but he is also not helping he is ignoring me. Don’t know if he went to sleep. He usually tells me so this is kinda bad because he didn’t tell me, I don’t want to argue with him but im really mad, I didn’t do anything to this dude who is saying shit about me and probably my friends will prefer him.
quaint wind
ranting and advice, a journal
#3 / Wednesday, 7th of August 2024, 11:18 UTC
So I wake up like half an hour ago, just went to do the first thing I do everyday, went to check DMs. M replied to me with a stupid bullshit excuse that he was too busy talking with his other friends (🖕) .
So like I’m going to ignore him for a day and see how he reacts, if he even cares. Let’s see.
Guard for me right now is back up. Can’t trust anyone, I was really happy he told me what people talked about me but I don’t know. I just feel uncomfortable because the people who talked about me were his other friends.
But I’m on vacation so I might aswell enjoy it and don’t think about unnecessary people.
quaint wind
Fuck this
confronted R about being a total bitch and she was just stupid to me started bringing out stuff from the past and making up stuff and ofc no one believe me and everyone believes her
What did I do wrong tf
like
what did I do wrong
go to hell
just go to hell
fuck you all
I just made a mistake
it’s not even that deep
how does that give you the right to be like that im justa human being
when you call me motherfucker I don’t say anything
Why can you do that and when I say the bare minimum you outrage and play the victim card