jaunty wharf
so I went through a messy breakup last October and it damaged me a lot.
my ex had done a lot & imma break it down here.
everything was fine in the relationship until the last few months of it.
i had loved them a lot; i was there for them when they were going through the toughest times of their life and supported them in anything they did. whenever they had problems i’d listen, and i’d make an effort to learn about their interests.
then they started uni. they’d call every week but it was mostly keeping me up till 3am to emotionally abuse me. the next day they’d say they had a bad day. i found us a therapist. they told me constantly before that that they would seek help but guess what? they were all LIES.
i started uni around the same time, and while they made new friends easily, i was struggling to fit in. i was trying my best to ease into my new environment, but it didn’t seem enough for them.
then one time things got spicy and right in the middle of it they asked if they could do things with other people. then they said they wanted to open the relationship and to have more “variety” which made me feel VERY objectified.
then one day we were supposed to go out for dinner, but they said in the last minute that they wanted to go drinking with their new friends. i got angry (reasonably) and they were gaslighting me into thinking I was being jealous because I wouldn’t let them go alone drinking with their new friends. in the end we compromised and I went with them.
i got piss drunk. they took me back to their dorm because I was too wasted to get home. i was still recovering from the hangover but uhm. (which is why i dislike standing in front of anyone within a close range!)
then i went for an exchange trip. they were there sending me off (though I told them they didn’t have to, given their uni is 1.5 hours away). everything seemed normal.
when I was overseas, they never called ONCE. Others’ partners were calling them everyday. I was getting lonely, so I texted to ask if we could call.
so we did. i started by talking about my trip, and when time came for me to ask how they were, they tell me that they lost feelings. mind you, i was cold in my hotel, sleeping on the couch, and it was 1am. they also said that we were on different intellectual levels because I was from a private university (my country has a really stupid stigma that if you’re from a private uni you’re less successful.) they were obviously implying that I was stupid.
i spent the rest of the trip miserable and broke down crying most nights.
then right before the trip ended, they asked me if I would open the relationship and to give an answer when I got home. on the flight back there was a lot of turbulence, and I had mild aerophobia. so whenever the plane shook i thought i was going to die. and i thought if i was, i wanted to see them one last time.
i got home, and the next day i told them no, i wouldn’t want an open relationship. then they proceeded to dump me.
they had also cut me out from their birthday plans when i had invited them to mine (before the trip) and I had bought them a gift. they asked to be invited to my birthday lol (they were invited by default and as much as we were going through a rough time I wanted them to be there.)
i cried for a good while and got tension headaches from crying too much. then i found out from a friend that they had already tried to move on with another mutual friend. I blocked them. i spoke to said mutual friend and he felt like a rebound and ghosted them altogether.
now i’m left with trust issues, body issues and just feeling inadequate. it took me so long to perceive myself as a human being after that.
i am on the road to recovery though. i am going to therapy to sort my feelings out and to heal, cause i HATE. cowards. and i HATE running from my problems.