Ranting (I need some Advice)

[smoky ferry]

Hi, I'm Samuel. Lately, I've been struggling a lot with depression and having frequent suicidal thoughts. It's been incredibly hard, and I feel like I'm just existing without a purpose. I often feel like everyone hates me for no apparent reason, even though I try so hard to make others happy and be a positive presence in their lives. Despite my efforts, I still feel isolated, misunderstood, and deeply alone.

Every day feels like a battle. I get up, put on a brave face, and try to get through the day, but the weight of my emotions is crushing. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, doing what’s expected of me without really feeling connected to anything. It's exhausting to keep up this facade when inside I feel so broken and lost.

I've been reading a lot about ADHD, and I suspect that I have it because I match most of the symptoms. This adds another layer of difficulty to my life because I find it hard to focus, stay organized, and meet the high expectations placed on me. The constant pressure and my inability to keep up make me feel even more overwhelmed and inadequate. It's like there's a storm in my mind, and I can't find a way to calm it.

I feel like I’m expected to do so much, but I don't understand why it all feels so heavy and unmanageable. It's exhausting trying to keep up with everything and everyone, and it seems like no matter how hard I try, it's never enough. This makes me feel like I'm just alive for decoration, not really contributing or mattering to anyone.

There are times when I feel completely worthless, like my existence doesn't make a difference. I keep wondering why I can't seem to get it right, why I can't find happiness or peace like others do. The frustration and sadness are overwhelming, and sometimes it feels like there's no way out. The thoughts of ending it all come more frequently, and it's terrifying to feel so trapped in my own mind.

I really want to understand why I feel this way and find a way to cope better. I just need to be heard and understood because it feels like I'm battling this alone. I’m reaching out because I know I need help and support to navigate through this difficult time. I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I don't want to give up on myself. I need to believe that there's hope and that things can get better, even if I can't see it right now.

[proper plank]

I think a big problem for you is you seem to care too much about everyone else. Some people say its selfish but sometimes you need to believe you're the only person in the world and just focus on yourself and your happiness.