i want to kill myself

[wispy marsh]

My mental health has been getting worse by the day and i started to do s.h a while ago and honestly idk what to do anymore im jealous of one of my friends ill call her alex so alex is making me feel like shes pushing another friend of mine away from me and me and that other friend knew each other before we met alex and i don't want to tell them that and i honestly feel like they font even trust me or want me as their friend at this point .. i just want to end it all but i cant because of my family... Theres more stuff but if ill write them all this will turn into Wikipedia anyway one more subject on it is i dont know how i feel about my dad like i love him but he scares me sometimes and im not talking about the silly scare im talking about the scare which causes me to shake and fear for either mine or someone elses life and well being....

[gusty robin]

whats s.h

[wispy marsh]

Well idk if it can accidentally trigger you so if i do i am incredibly sorry its self harm...

[minor jolt]

i'm so sorry to hear that :( you should never resort to ||self-harm|| in times of distress, please look up alternatives for this or do something else for stress relief and build that habit so you eventually quit, we are here for you. it doesn't help, in fact it takes a different type of action to solve your problems.

it's totally reasonable to feel jealous if you feel a friend is drifting away from you esp from someone else. the best way to really know if alex is doing this on purpose or not is really just to talk to them. don't feel afraid of letting out your frustration, because the way they respond to you can really determine the truth. you can bring it up by just simply asking if they still wanna hang out with you, if you did anything wrong, or you can tell them that you miss them and wanna talk more. just try not to be too accusing, like don't say "you're stealing my friend away from me" or else they are less inclined to take your feelings seriously, keep those thoughts to yourself. now if they respond in a way that is understanding and they agree, then give them a chance to make it right. but if they respond in a condescending way and don't want to talk, then you honestly will just have to accept that. people are a-holes sometimes, friends drift apart sometimes on purposee, sometimes not. you deserve to be surrounded by people who give you the same energy. and don't feel threatened, their friendship might not even last as long as yours did.

and as for your dad, it is definitely not normal to shake in fear from him. you haven't really specified why and it's entirely up to you if you want to, but if he is ||abusive etc||, you should let someone know. don't let the love you have for him blindside you, just make sure your safety is your priority.

[wispy marsh]

Well idk if its really considered abuse if hes just threatening and not really hitting

He used to hit but like not anymore

[minor jolt]

well that could be considered verbal abuse tbh. no one should threaten their kids. are they like violent threats or??

[wispy marsh]

Yep just threatening to hit and he probably has anger issues because he just picks up and throws objects thats why im scared and shaking most of the time when hes mad

[minor jolt]

when? that's not good ☹️

nooo

[wispy marsh]

I mean i dont remember but maybe like 2 maybe more maybe less years ago

I rather not test that theory

[minor jolt]

im sorry, having dads w/ anger issues suck. try to stay away from him when he has these outbursts. and where is ur mom during all of this?

[wispy marsh]

My parents are divorced since i was 4

[minor jolt]

he might have unresolved issues yes, but if his behavior is too unpredictable she might be too scared to talk to him yet.

[minor jolt]

oh ☹️

is it just you and ur dad? do you have any other family members that could be of use?

[wispy marsh]

All my other family members are alive and well but the people i see most is my grandma and grandpa from both sides my parents and my moms boyfriend im mostly with my mom cuz thats what the court decided

I dont talk to any of them about it tho maybe sometimes my mom but that rare

[wispy marsh]

So yea i just font reach out

Dont*

[minor jolt]

okay well thats good you're with your mom.

[minor jolt]

you should tbh. talk to her about it more. they aren't together anymore so theres a better chance she's on ur side of things

[wispy marsh]

Yea but the last time i had a fight with my mom i ran to my dad and he kicked her when she was on the floor so i had to hug him and tell him to stop and when the police got involved i told them i only saw my mom pushing my grandma cause my dad was standing at the door listening to what i was saying

[minor jolt]

there's no hurting in reaching out, you're young and they should make sure you're safe tbh. staying with a dad with that issue even just for 1 day is dangerous

[wispy marsh]

But like i love him hes my dad and ik hes always trying his best for me and loves to take care of me its just one of his bad days right?

Even tho it happens almost every time im with him...

Well me and my siblings to be specific

Hes always either fighting with my grandma or with my siblings

And im the oldest so i have to protect them but im too scared to even try and get in the way and im violent towards them and i dont want to be like that but i dont know how to stop

I was raised like that i dont know how to try and raise them differently even when i try its so hard...

[minor jolt]

omg ☹️ . im so sorry that happened. just the fact you can't talk to the police without him there shows that he knows he's a threat and he's using you to cover it up what he did. i'd say not to go to him again. he could hurt you or your mom.

[wispy marsh]

They were at my grandma's house because thats where their fight took place and I tried telling the police with my eyes that hes there and to close the door but they didnt get the hint so i lied....

Me and my mom are on really good terms now tho and we always joke around

And with my dad its kind of an on and off situation

[minor jolt]

you're a good person. thats great you have hope in him, and yes he is ur dad. but think about what he thinks. does he ever think that you're his daughter and he'd never want to hurt you? you'd never know, because his actions tell otherwise.

[wispy marsh]

Well but ik he cares about me...

The police got involved in my family twice all because of me

[minor jolt]

violent how? this just seems like your dad is influencing you tbh. you shouldn't even have to RAISE your siblings. that's not your job :(

[minor jolt]

wow :( how could the police be so oblivious

[wispy marsh]

Yea but i feel like if k raise them they'll turn out better and they spend most of their time with me anyway so why not

[minor jolt]

wrong. don't blame urself for your dads actions. this was NOT your fault

[wispy marsh]

Well because in both cases it was my mom 1 i lied and 1 is something i rather not share

[wispy marsh]

Yea but when my siblings grow up more and realize just how broken our family is their probably gonna hate me

[minor jolt]

what about your mom? shouldn't she raise them? you're super young you shouldn't be the parent. you don't know how to be a parent and your own arent giving you much to imitate

[minor jolt]

wait what was your mom? did she do something too

[wispy marsh]

My mom and her boyfriend work really hard to make enough money so we could enjoy life and eat and well live under a roof she works every day from 5 to 17

[wispy marsh]

Well yea but she stopped

[minor jolt]

no :( your siblings will be proud of you. you keep them under ur wing and you provide the safety your parents fail to do. this makes me sad you dont realize how much good you've done. your family being broken is NOT your fault. at all. you're only 13-14 you have no power over what your family does this couldve been going on before you were even born. please be proud of yourself 🫂

[wispy marsh]

Well i mean i am the reason my brother is still alive to this day and that happened when i was 5-6

And i probably saved my sisters life aswell not sure tho about that one

And mine like 3 tumes

Times*

[minor jolt]

aww i see. it's hard to change things in a day but don't feel afraid to let her know you're stressed too and you shouldnt be doing this all by urself. why don't ur grandparents look after yall or does she not have any friends that could be like an aunt?? i just dont want you to be too overwhelmed, you still need to live a childhood.

[minor jolt]

oh no :( you're entirely sure she doesn't anymore?

[wispy marsh]

Well i broke down like 1 or 2 years ago more than once so now she tries to help me as much as she can from work and after me and all my sibling go back from school we go to my grandma and grandpa from my moms side

[wispy marsh]

Yep im confident about that one

[minor jolt]

see. you've saved their lives. they will realize if not now, when they are grown that you were the parent your mom/dad should've been.

[wispy marsh]

Yea but i only saved his life because my parents gave me instructions on what to do incase something like him passing out in the pool and al ost drowning happens

If not idk if i would've been able too

And as my mom said and my dad ive matured early because i saw stuff i wasnt supposed to at a young age...

[minor jolt]

ok well that's good she tries to help you, just dont want you feeling completely alone. and that's good you go to your grandparents. make sure you let yourself rest you shouldnt be on high alert all the time

[minor jolt]

oh okay, why would they give u instructions tho like does that happen often? 😭 thats still amazing though that u even managed to do that.

[minor jolt]

yeah but honestly thats not a good thing, you deserve a proper childhood. and to feel safe in your own home

[wispy marsh]

Well my brother has epilepsy if i remember correctly and we got him a pool with only an inch of water cuz he was still small and all because it was summer and really hit so while i played with my uncle i threw the ball to his pool by accident and when he didnt throw it back to me i went to grab it back and saw him passed out with his head in the water so i grabbed him by his hair pulled him out and ran to call my mom and then my dad while my mum called an ambulance

[wispy marsh]

I do feel safe i think

Oh also my moms boyfriend almost threw a ladder at me a couple years ago😂

He didnt tho

And i actually care for him a lot even if i wont admit it to him or my mom

[minor jolt]

ohh i see now. well give urself a pat on ur back, some people would've never noticed that! your siblings are def proud of you : )

[wispy marsh]

He doesn't even know that yet like i told him but he still doesn't know the severety of that situation

[minor jolt]

what. 😭 on accident right??

[wispy marsh]

Idk maybe

The only thing i saw was a ladder and an angry boyfriend 🙏🏾

[minor jolt]

give em time they shouldn't know the extent of how much has gone on right now. when they get older they will realize.

[wispy marsh]

Yea ik im not rushing him

[minor jolt]

oh 😕 . im hoping he won't be like your dad

[wispy marsh]

No hes actually really nice and when we sit together we make jokes and sometimes he gives me riddles to solve and then we laugh it off

Even tho i will never tell him that directly

[minor jolt]

and are there any things you want to plan? like do you not want to see your dad anymore? would you like to tell the police the truth? anything to guarantee your proper safety so this doesnt happen again

[wispy marsh]

No i dont actually

[minor jolt]

ah ok well that's nice : ) does he help you when ur mom is gone at work?

[wispy marsh]

I dont want to get my dad in trouble and hes actually starting to get back on track i think

[wispy marsh]

Hes also at work really late so no not really

Hes a bus driver so his work hours are unknown

[minor jolt]

i understand that u dont wanna get him in trouble :( and this is a really hard situation but again it's NOT normal and these things deserve to be reported. think about you & your siblings too like do you think they deserve for this to happen any longer. this doesn't mean you dont love your dad, in fact loving your dad would be getting him help. in his normal state he should thank you for all you've done to try and stop him. he's got his own issues and sure, he could be getting back on track. but i dont think anyone would feel right keeping you with him when his feelings could change in an instant. :(

[wispy marsh]

I just cant do that even if i wanted too

[minor jolt]

its good to even wanna give him the benefit of the doubt, but if children are involved, you need to prioritize your safety. you can tell your mom that you don't wanna visit him anymore, maybe you can tell her boyfriend to be with you guys if u see ur dad again, anyone to protect you. i really want you to be safe.

[minor jolt]

honestly it shouldnt be up to you. again you shouldn't be given the responsibility to deal with all this. but you need to tell someone even just your mom that you feel scared for your LIFE around your dad. surely she can't just not do anything abt that

[wispy marsh]

Cant its court orders and i could get my mom in trouble if she wont let me see him

[minor jolt]

is there a way to change that?

[wispy marsh]

Idk honestly i dont know much about court orders

[minor jolt]

me neither tbh 😕 i never dealt w this before, but im open to researching it just to help you.

[wispy marsh]

Its fine i rather not

[minor jolt]

noo its ok!

and there's also a hotline.

you live in the us right?

[wispy marsh]

Nope i dont live in the us

[minor jolt]

you don't have to do anything until you're ready.

ohh what country? (u dont have to share if ur not comfortable)

[wispy marsh]

Israel

[minor jolt]

I'll dm you anything I find

[wispy marsh]

Alright thanks🫶🏾