Existence feels painful

[light hazel]

Trigger Warning: ||Suicidal thoughts||

My days feel numbered, I doubt I can last another two months. Drowning in school work due to my own perfectionism formed and enforced by a myriad of issues, and a crushing feeling in my soul that just makes me feel hollow yet infinitely heavy. It’s like there’s hands constricting my throat and chest, making every breath feel laborious and tiring. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired.

Trust me, I know there are people that care about me, but it’s not like there’s anything they can or will do to help fix whatever’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m out of control of my own life, in a stalemate not of my own making. I can’t live because of my mind and my suffocating illogical mental pain. I can’t die because of my beliefs and the people around me and their beliefs. There’s only so much my weak self can take, and I can’t see myself being around for much longer.

My mind has drifted into the abyss before, and each time it just gets worse. I can almost feel my existence in all its strangling pain, and it makes me want to simply cease to exist. It feels like my mind comprehends too much yet simultaneously too little and it’s killing me like a slow-acting poison.

I just want something to change damn it. Please, something in my life change. I wish I could see the world past this dissociated and depressed filter of my mind, but it’s too hard. I’m weak. I’m tired. I’m on the face of a cliff and my arms are about to give out. I’m in the top floor of a burning building and the heat is suffocating. I’m so tired. I just want to rest for the rest of eternity.

Any advice would be great. Even just someone to talk to would be fine. Anything.

[exotic pike]

Hey, I've just finished reading your message. I've put together a plan that I believe can really help with what you're going through. If you have any questions or need further clarification, feel free to reply here or send me a DM

1. Physical Activity: Make sure you exercise every day. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate activity like walking, jogging, or cycling. Exercise releases feel-good hormones that can lift your mood and reduce feelings of sadness.

2. Limit Exposure to Negative Content: Avoid watching or listening to things that make you feel down. Instead, focus on uplifting and positive content that makes you feel good and motivated.

3. Connect with Nature: Spend time outside regularly. Aim for at least 30-60 minutes of sunlight each day.

4. Join Supportive Communities: Find groups of people who are also trying to improve their mental health. Whether it's online groups, support meetings, or local gatherings, being with others who get what you're going through can really help.

5. Practice Mindfulness: Try meditation, deep breathing, or yoga every day. These can help you relax and feel more peaceful.

6. Prioritize Sleep: Make sure you get enough sleep each night, around 7-9 hours. Stick to a regular sleep schedule, do things to unwind before bed, and create a comfy sleep environment.

7. Nourish Your Body: Eat a balanced diet with plenty of fruits, veggies, whole grains, and lean proteins. Good food can really boost your mood and make you feel better overall.

8. Set Realistic Goals: Break big goals into smaller ones that you can actually achieve. Celebrate your progress along the way. Setting goals you can reach and working on them regularly can help you feel more accomplished.

9. Supplements: Most people lack Vitamin D, so think about taking a supplement if you can afford it. I can suggest some brands if you're interested.

[exotic pike]

As for the schoolwork issue, I recommend watching these 2 videos

httpz://youtu.be/V4T9bEsDNJE?si=iFMzj2M0bxeFlgqU

httpz://youtu.be/PiqSQtXPq8I?si=kbasq3UtvzlLMU3g

(Replace the "z" at the end of "httpz" with "s" because I can't send links, lol)

[light hazel]

Sorry for the late response, I was just waiting until I had time to actually sit down and watch the videos

I’ll just address all the tips individually.

1. I’m afraid I’m quite limited for that one. With my current workload, I don’t have enough time to do 30 minutes, nor do I have the energy in all honesty. And if I had both? I’m not allowed to leave the house by myself, not allowed to go outside with friends, and don’t have anyone to go with me on a walk, so I’m kind of stuck at home except for education.

2. Could give it a shot. I usually consume content to fit my mood when I’m really bad, but limiting negative content outside of that sounds like a good way to go.

3. Same as point for exercise.

4. Already trying that, but I could try a bit harder I suppose.

5. If I have free time, then this is a viable option. However, my time is very limited due to school work.

6. Again, time constraints. I would love to get that much sleep a night, but my mind is either buzzing too much to fall asleep quickly, I’m procrastinating on sleeping so that I have some free time without work, or I have work to complete.

7. I think I’m doing that already, but I could put more focus on it.

8. Working on that, but perfectionism keeps holding me back tbh. I know in one of the videos you sent it said to aim for something in between perfectionism and passable, but here’s my issue: 100% is my passable. That, or getting the top mark in the year group for that test/assessment. Anything less than that, and I feel like a failure. And nowadays, the feeling just makes me want to end everything right then and there because I feel like people are judging me. Which they are, at least to some extent. As far as my peers are concerned, I’m supposed to be the ‘top student’ regardless of how worthy I feel of that label. So when I don’t meet this ridiculous standard, they’re surprised. The type of surprise that makes you want to bury yourself six feet under.

9. I’ll see what I can do about that

[exotic pike]

1. That's unfortunate, but luckily, you can still do some cardio workouts inside the house. Here is a cardio workout video you can follow, which should take about 15 minutes. It might be tough at first, so I suggest pausing the video to take short breaks if needed. (Replace the Z with an s again) httpZ://youtu.be/VWj8ZxCxrYk?si=wFi_iy8tifEivyr0

2. Great to hear! I really believe that the stuff you watch and listen to can greatly affect your mood, mindset, and even your personality.

3. There's not much we can do about that, but if you have a window in your room that gets sunlight in the morning, I recommend trying to soak up that sunlight for 2-10 minutes when you wake up. It can help make you feel more awake and improve your mood a bit.

4. Great! Just make sure you give it your all; otherwise, it will be a waste of time and energy.

5. I would suggest trying some light meditation while you do your homework. It sounds really overwhelming, and taking some short breaks to calm down could help.

6. This is concerning. If you're having trouble sleeping, I would suggest looking into melatonin. It really helped me when I had sleep issues.

7. Great!

8. That’s quite the situation. If your passable is 100%, then we need to change that.

   • Method 1: Try to submit work that is your best effort but not perfect. Set a lower goal, like 90%, and allow yourself to submit it. It might feel uncomfortable, but it's about getting used to not being perfect.
   • Method 2: Set a time limit for your work. Once the time is up, you have to stop and submit what you have. This will make you prioritize and accept that you can't perfect every detail.
   • Method 3: Keep a journal to write down what happens when you don't get 100%. Note that nothing terrible happens and that others still accept it. This will help you slowly get over the idea that everything must be perfect.

[exotic pike]

8. Remember that you are YOU. Do not let expectations or judgments from your peers influence how you think and act. You are not a puppet. If anything, your friends will be glad to see you happier. If they aren't and judge you because your schoolwork is slightly less than perfect, they aren't true friends. Don't worry about judgment from those you don't know; they have their own lives to focus on.

9. That sounds like a smart idea. From what you've said, you are most definitely deficient in vitamin D. Consider checking out the Bronson Vitamin D3 + K2 supplement. They are reasonably priced and of good quality.

10. (Extra)
    You might not be comfortable with this, but I highly encourage you to speak to your teachers or counselors about your situation with the overwhelming amount of work. The school is not trying to make you drown in schoolwork. Schoolwork should never regularly limit the amount of sleep you get. Getting less than the required amount of sleep can have negative effects on your health. Try to talk with your teachers and counselor about ways to improve this situation.

[meager oak]

@light hazel I appreciate you being so open and honest about how you feel. It sounds like you're going through a lot, with a deep sense of depression. And I can imagine that you're feeling really, really tired of going through all this. I can hear in your words that you're trying to get better, and that you're feeling trapped when all you want is to get better.

With this kind of pain, I imagine it feels like you're carrying around a heavy weight all the time, which is draining your energy and making everything seem bleak.

One thing I'm noticing is that you're carrying around a lot of self-blame. You're talking about your perfectionism and how it's caused a lot of this pain, but when I hear you talk it feels like perfectionism is a coping mechanism you've been using to take control of your situation. You mentioned being tired, but it sounds more to me like you're exhausted - exhausted of trying so hard to be in control all the time.

And I would imagine this perfectionism of yours means you put a lot of pressure on yourself to succeed, and you've got your sense of self-worth tied up in how good you are at everything. And if that's right, then I can see why this perfectionism would be so draining on you. The thing is, you're also trying to live up to standards that no human should strive for. We all make mistakes, and those mistakes help us to grow, develop and become better people. You don't ever have to be perfect. And you've been trying so hard to be perfect, and working so hard to get this right, it's no wonder you feel tired.

So maybe the thing to do is to try and give yourself a break from this perfectionism. And to be kinder to yourself - to tell yourself that it's okay to make mistakes, and that those mistakes don't make you a bad person. You've already accomplished a lot, you've worked so hard to be doing well in school, so maybe you deserve more credit than you're giving yourself.

[light hazel]

Thanks for the replies, timezones are funky so I’m not usually online when you are lol, sorry about that.

I’ve been steadily trying to accustom myself to getting less than 100%, but it’s incredibly hard to change something that’s been ingrained into me for years by now. That, and any progress I make towards a more positive outlook seems to suddenly come crashing down when I hear that someone else got a higher mark on the same test. It’s even more crushing if they’re in the same class as me. It’s like this deep seated feeling and fear of inadequacy that rears its ugly head anytime that I dare lower my standards for just a moment. It’s one thing to simply say that I shouldn’t care about others’ expectations of me, but actually achieving that level of self worth is where my main issue lies. I find it hard to trick my brain into thinking it’s anything but what it had been taught to be. Eg. self-love and all the like. I feel like I’m lying to myself and I know I am.

As for teachers and counsellor — After the last time I went to a school counsellor, I can confidently say that I will not be going again. For teachers, however, some of my teachers already know that there is a lot of work, but the problem is that they don’t have much of a choice themselves. Take math, for example. An hour for a lesson, usually teaching a new concept or expanding on a familiar one, the practice questions. Lots of them. For math, lots of practice is necessary, and I have math everyday, sometimes twice in a day. Thankfully, my math teacher has eased off on some textbook work, but that doesn’t take away the amount of work from other subjects, most of which are equally necessary to the course. I doubt the teachers could change the set work much, even if I did bring up the issue. I’ll bring up health concerns and see how I go from there.

[light hazel]

Sorry for the late response, timezone differences can be a pain sometimes.

Honestly I think you hit the nail. This is exactly what I have been thinking and what I have realised after much introspection, but I’m not quite sure what to do with what I found out.

My life is quite out of my own hands. From my beliefs to the expectations around me that I can’t seem to shake, I feel like I’m not in control of my own life. The only thing I can influence is how I treat myself, how much I push myself and by extension my performance and achievements. With the constant intentional and unintentional comparisons, people expect me to be something great. I don’t know what they see in me honestly, I think they just see high mark = success, which is something that is reinforced even accidentally by parents and guardians. For whatever reason, I seem to crave appreciation and accolades, especially from people I look up to like teachers and parents, less so peers, but seeing as they inserted themselves into the equation, my reputation amongst them is also another pressure. One of the most baffling things is that I have no idea where these problems stem from in relation to my family. I know that the fact that one of my relatives keeps mentioning her side of the family’s inherent giftedness, talents, achievements and the like, and I can see why that may subconsciously impose the belief in the mind of a young child that they should also be among those ranks by default and that not being among them deems them some kind of mistake or failure; but apart from that, I’m not quite sure. My father does put more emphasis on the mistakes rather than the correct answers when it comes to showing him my marks. “Where did the mark go?” is pretty common when I show him work. But despite that, that still doesn’t cover all my issues. My parents try their best to provide for, love and cherish their children, so I don’t see why my mind seems to take on some concerning views and beliefs

[light hazel]

My mind seems to anticipate love and attention to only be conditional. You only get attention if you’re interesting enough, whether that be though humour, excellence, usefulness, or even sickness. Perhaps it’s induced by social ineptness, but I view interactions through a negative lens, as if I’m always on guard for potential hurt or abandonment at a moment’s notice without any logical cause. In that same vein, I feel like I need to earn positive attention, and the only way I can take the reigns in some way in my life and earn some brief form of happiness is through being interesting enough. Being smart enough. Being worthy. And that standard for attention, after being placed too high from the get go even from primary, has made it so I have to consistently achieve that or higher or else I risk my world crashing down around me. At least, that’s how it feels despite its obvious lack of logic. My mind makes the connection that smarts + effort = good result and that good result = positive attention = love and praise which leads to the invisible bar being raised to meet the new standard each time. Consequently, my mind, upon processing a less than perfect result makes the assumption that, since smarts + effort = good result and I put in effort already, then I must not be smart. And if smarts (or any other desirable trait = positive attention and secured relationships, then if I’m suddenly ‘not smart’ then negative attention, shunning, shaming, and abandonment are a real possibility due to the perceived conditional nature of relationships.

Perhaps the above makes it clear already, but I find it, then, really hard to simply let myself make mistakes when my brain perceives then in such a dramatic and inflated manner. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s illogical, but I’m not sure how to fix it. I’m broken, I’m flawed, I know. I know I can never reach perfection as an imperfect creation, yet I try anyway, because perhaps I still just crave some kind of unconditional love.

[meager oak]

@light hazel It sounds like you're going through a lot - and it sounds like the pressure of living up to some high expectations, and your own internal sense of perfectionism and self-worth, is really taking its toll. You've done a great job describing how you've been feeling recently.

Firstly, I want to acknowledge how hard all of this has been for you. You mentioned something interesting which is that logically you know mistakes are a normal and inevitable part of life, but as soon as you make one, your perfectionism takes over and you feel like it defines you. It sounds like you're trying to use perfectionism as a way of coping with not feeling good enough. And while you're getting a sense of control through your perfectionism, you've also mentioned how exhausting it has become. It's also really impacting your life and the way you interact with people.

It's hard to break out of this pattern of thinking, because it's so ingrained in you. But maybe it's time to start considering what you need beyond perfection and high achievement, and whether you can start giving yourself permission to be less than perfect. It sounds like right now, your sense of self-worth is tied up in your performance, achievements and the praise of others. And because you're striving for perfection, you're not allowing yourself to have flaws or to be human, to make mistakes - and this is making you miserable. My question is: are you able to try to shift your sense of self-worth away from performance-based, where how well you do is how you value yourself and towards something intrinsic? Like you are worthy of love and joy and good things even if you aren't perfect?

[meager oak]

So to start with, do you think you could try giving yourself permission to make mistakes without judging yourself? You might be able to try talking to yourself in a compassionate and supportive way when that perfectionism kicks in. You could tell yourself something like "it's okay to make mistakes" or "mistakes don't make me a bad person. Instead of judging myself, let me instead be kind to myself". And try to let yourself feel the emotions you're experiencing without the pressure to be perfect.

It’s a process of unlearning, so it might be worth keeping a journal where you track your progress. Maybe try not to judge yourself if it takes some time to get the hang of things, and even if you do slip up sometimes in the beginning. And I’d also recommend to let go of the idea of perfection. It might feel like a safe and secure place for you, but ultimately it’s a mirage. Perfectionism is rooted in the belief that we are not good enough, and therefore we have to become good enough. Perfectionism is the symptom of a deeper issue.

To give you a better idea, imagine that perfectionism is like a shield. You feel like you need to keep up this shield at all times to protect yourself from any negative feelings and to prove your worth. And so you do everything you can to improve your performance, to get better marks, keep learning harder and harder things, and to be the 'perfect' student - to keep this shield intact.

But under the shield, there are those feelings. There are those parts of you that can’t be perfect - the parts of you are tired, sad, anxious, and lonely. And the thing is: you're human, and so you're supposed to feel those things. Those feelings are a natural part of being human - and without them, we don’t experience all the good feelings either.

[meager oak]

But because you’re scared of those feelings, you try and stop yourself from feeling them by being busy all the time, and by maintaining your perfect self. And in the process, you've ended up feeling unhappy and alone.

The real problem here, then, is that it’s not your grades or your achievements. It's your fear. But there is hope. The good news is, you don’t have to keep living like this - with all this weight of pressure on your shoulders. It seems like a scary thing to try and let go of perfection. But once you do, you might find that you can be more compassionate and patient with yourself, and you might even start seeing the value in who you are right now, flaws and all.

And remember: progress is not linear. Just because there may be difficult days, doesn’t mean you’re not still making progress. You won’t always get it right, and that’s okay - that’s part of being human, part of being you. It’s okay not to be okay, and you are worthy of love just the way you are. You deserve to be happy, valued, and embraced, and to give those same things to yourself.

[light hazel]

Sorry it took me a while to reply, but I'll certainly try to be less harsh on myself.

I honestly just feel very exhausted just at the thought of doing anything, even if that thing means improvement, but I'll give it a shot I suppose