Shay shay's world

[dawn star]

my world of thoughts and experiences, usually I write in here after school or when I am feeling or experiencing things. if anyone wants to give advice or support, feel free too

May 9th, 2024
heavy tw warning: ||rape, ptsd, trauma, super negative thoughts||

||Can my PTSD stop? I keep having really intense flashbacks to my rapes. Several intrusive thoughts constantly from all my disorders and urges/behaviors on top of it all. I feel like my world could crumble at any second. I feel like I'll be okay someday. I have to. But it feels like a never-ending battle. I just want to feel normal and I know that's something I can't ever have. But I can at least get stable again. I know that I will. I just need the flashbacks to stop.

Sometimes i re-enact everything that happened. I'll go in autopilot and repeat everything the other person (my abusive ex) said word for word. Then I'll act out everything I did. I'll talk to myself in the mirror for hours afterwards trying to re-enact the scenes differently; the way i wanted them to go. I try to stand up for myself, or do something different. I don't just freeze. I take action and in those moments I feel strong. But then I crumble again as I come back to reality, and I realize that I didn't say or do any of what I wanted to. I can't take anything back, and I blame myself subconsciously and consciously. I know it's not my fault and yet I also feel like it is. I really feel like it is. Otherwise, why has it happened multiple times with the same person years ago? What am I doing that's making this keep happening?

So many people see me as a weak child able to easily be manipulated. I give people the benefit of the doubt too much and I care so much to the point that I put others in front of me, even the ones I know aren't healthy for me. Other times, in moments where i re-live things, I curl up and feel like a child again. like I'm the same 14 year old trembling from my ex physically, mentally, and sexually abusing me.

I'm re-opening the wounds over and over again and yet I still can't stop myself from these flashbacks. ||

[raven crag]

dont rly want to interrupt your journals, after i read it i just want to say iam rooting for you and whishing u a better future

[dawn star]

Thanks

[grizzled saffron]

I would definitely put the trigger warning at the beginning and not at the end..

[dawn star]

Got it, thank you. Was a mistake.

[dawn star]

Where Do I Fit In
5/15/24

Where Do I Fit In?

Crying in this loneliness that fills all my dreams
Look at all the darkness that surrounds me.
Can anyone see me, do they even know who I am?
I wish I could find light ahead.

I wish I could find my place in this world.
Find where I really do fit in.
There's bound to be one place
Hard part is, how should I ever find it?

Where do I go, where do I look?
How can I just wait upon this world,
Just wait for my niche.
Just make it easy, tell me what it is.

Help me find it, show me the way,
The way out of this gloomy space.
Help me be what I need to be,
What I'm actually supposed to be.

[quasi vapor]

I talked to many people with the same problem as yours.
The only thing you can do is to accept. It already happened there’s nothing to change, but
u can start to prevent rape.
I would help you if u would accept help.

[dawn star]

It takes a long time for me to accept it. I feel like I could of done something to prevent it. My PTSD can't allow me to accept it. I currently am getting therapy, something called Trauma CBT, which hopefully could help with those thoughts.

[wary agate]

Bruh this 1 girl used to call me shay shay nd it annoyed tf outta me

Idk why this js reminded me of it