Stuck in a paradox of loneliness

[wicked cedar]

I am currently in a terrible in-between period in my life. I am 20 years old, away from college (until August this year), and horribly alone. I have never had a girlfriend, I have never felt the warmth or comfort of a woman who loves me, save my mother, and for the past 4 1/2 years, the closest I have ever come to achieving such a wonderful bond, ended in me being the target of a cruel joke, meant to make a mockery of my pain.

Why? Is it my luck? Am I secretly hideous to all eyes except my own? Is my desire for something so "wonderful" and "life-changing", as so many would put it, invalid? I do not understand why everyone around me barely had to lift a finger to find someone to be happy with, and yet I labor every day, and am shown nothing for my work.

Love, it is all I have wanted for nearly half a decade. Yet no matter what I do, I can get no closer to finding someone to wrap my arms around, and drown in my affection. All I dream of anymore is what it would be like to live with the woman that occupies them, to be able to produce the words "I love you" to another human being for the first time, to be able to hold someone close at night as I fall asleep, and to be able to do the things I love, with the woman I would love. But apparently, I ask too much of the universe.

This paradox of mine, I wish for something that my situation deigns me unfit or unworthy of, because it may "take me away from my studies". So I sit here conflcited, wanting something that I can't have.

I understand my age presents a bias of naivity, I am aware of that. I feel as if I am too self-aware for my own good, in fact. Too aware of my urges, too aware of my place in the world, and too aware of my lonliness. It haunts me every second of every minute of every hour, starting from dawn and lasting till dusk.

I look to others for this. I try to find a semblence, a modicum of support or the directions to a solution for my pain. All I am left with is "just work on yourself, then someone will come to you". Just work on myself... All I have done for the past 20 years is work on myself, I am an introverted academiac studying Astronautical Engineering at one of the most expensive private universities in the country, I am in perfect health, and I have a series of hobbies I enjoy. And they continue to suggest I should work on myself as if a woman will simply spontaneously exist to meet me one day. And that day will be long after I have already lost all hope, and have reclused myself to the deepest parts of my mind to escape from the pain I am forced to live with.

Speaking of which, that "pain" I have mentioned several times, that is not a metaphor. That is a very real, very physical pain. Caused by something called Nociplastic Pain Disorder. Which means that my brain has created a physical pain stemming from the neurological trauma I've sustained over the years, including the trauma I've inflicted upon myself. I can physically feel my emotional pain, and it is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. ||Every night I contemplated committing suicide so that I may finally be free of it.||