I remember my first day of 5th grade. I was set at a table with about 5 other people. The only people I can remember from that were 2 people. On my first day, I was shy and I wasn't talkative. I tried to talk, but this girl kept calling me ignorant. I didn't know what that meant so I just moved on from it. This girl had never met me before so I was quote surprised she had called me this. I can't remember much of that. Over the years, I made became great friends with her, and some other people. I was also friends with this other girl. We kept getting into arguments, falling eachother names, etc. Eventually, we ended up not becoming friends and we stayed away which was good. Through my 5th grade year, I became very ||suicidal||. I hadn't tried any attempts or even talked about it during that year, but I just kept feeling this very strong urge and thought of ||suicide|| and I didn't do anything about it and nobody knew. I was also being bullied by these 2 boys for some stupid reason of liking a video game. I was very interested in drawing and I drew all the time. I would draw these game characters a lot which is why I got made fun of.
#Journal bc other people are doing it
shadow cairn
Eventually, that year passed and I was now in the 6th grade. Things started well and I was socializing pretty well with other people around me. I had around 4 friends at the beginning of my 6th grade year. Later, 2 new students came and for some unknown reason, they became friends with us and that formed out friend group. We all knew eachother and we were friends and we liked eachother alot, but things started going down hill when one of our friends got into a relationship with another friend there. We thought nothing of it, as we were happy and stuff. Later, I got into a relationship with one of the other friends there. We only dated for about a week. As soon as we started dating, a new student came. Her and my ex gf started talking a lot. My ex gf wouldn't talk to me at all which is why we broke up (I hated myself bc it lasted so short.) We still were friends though.
Soon later, I had reported to one of my good friends about my intense ||suicidal|| thoughts. I was going to attempt it that night I told them, but thankfully, they reported it and not long after, I was put in the mental hospital.
I told my friends about it. They were all happy to see me back, but not long after, I was bullied for it. I thought it was a joke at first and it would go away but it didn't. I felt worthless and manipulated by them for these jokes and I hated it.
By that time, I had gained a crush on this girl (one of the friends). I really liked her and so did my ex gf. She would bully me for it, resorting to kicking me and saying horrible things to me as well as taking my former crush's attention away from me.
Thankfully, I had moved schools and I was now living a different life. However, the school was terrible. I didn't gave good friends and the people there were often toxic and rude. I had tried another ||suicide attempt|| and I went to another mental hospital.
Eventually, I took myself out of my former friend group and I isolated myself. I was bullied by my ex gf for this, but my other friends supported me.
I eventually got with my former crush even though we were living in different parts. The relationship didn't last long either as she had cheated on me with another person.
Keep in mind, I was diagnosed with Major Depression and anxiety during that time. I constantly felt lonely and I would keep getting into relationships, thinking it was the only way to keep me from feeling that loneliness.
I focused my life on my school and other things.
My mom ended up moving states and eventually, we also ended up moving.
I decided to move in with my mom as I was living with my dad and I did not like the current living state with my dad. The house was big and had a big pasture down below, but the house was cramped with trash, it was dirty, and the bedroom was cramped with boxes and bags. I was living with about 6 other people and there were constant arguments between them.
About that time, I told the school counselor about my intense thoughts and I was assigned a therapist, but I moved away not long after that.
I am now here
I have a wonderful gf and I live a wonderful life.
Sometimes, I still think about the thoughts but I am truly getting better. I had my own server and stuff so I am happy, but I still struggle with anxiety and I currently have no friends in school.
It is hard for me to make friends
I'll keep u updated tomorrow (whoever is reading this)
I want to make this daily