But also the main problem is that I have always had this "feeling" that I'm unsure about. I don't know what it is, but it's strong. Words cannot describe how absolutely excruciating and agonising it is. Even when I'm doing things I enjoy, it's still there. No positive feeling drowns it out, the positive feeling is just sitting next to it. It makes me feel like ripping my skin off, tearing my limbs off, bashing my head into a wall of nails, and pulling trees out of the ground. It feels like I have electrified lava instead of bone marrow inside of my bones. It's extremely distressing. No medication, no therapy, nothing has ever given me relief. It's often paired with an insatiable boredom, rage, agitation and loneliness. And for some reason it has gotten significantly worse in the last year. I am worse than I have ever been.
#I'm looking for someone who can relate to my situation who has come out of this...
reef token
Every psychiatrist and psychologist (there's been a lot) that I have seen has no idea what I'm talking about. I have tried 40+ medications (antidepressants, antianxiety, antipsychotic, mood stablilisers, stimulants - they even tried these antibiotics once). I have done ECT, TMS, CBT, ACT, interpersonal therapy, DBT, mindfulness therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, naturopathy - all at least twice. I was on a ketamine trial. I have been hospitalised multiple times. I always went into a new treatment plan with optimism, in fact I felt a little better the first few weeks or so starting with a new psychiatrist/psychologist because I anticipated some actual relief. It never lasted. The last few months I have truly started to give up. I don't believe anything can work anymore. I keep getting passed around between psychiatrists and psychologists because they don't know how to help me. I take the risperidone depot injection every two weeks and that keeps me somewhat in reality, however my hallucinations and paranoia are happening a lot lately, but not severely, but I don't want to tell anyone because they might hospitalise me or put me on stronger medications. These types of drugs make me feel so terribly anxious and tense but also weak and my nose has been blocked since I started the injections 3 years ago.
I'm being told now to accept feeling like this. But I can't live like this. Everyone makes me feel like an alien and like I'm the only person who has ever experienced this or that nobody has recovered from feeling like this all the time their whole life. I don't know how I'm going to get through life with this horrible feeling. Even when things are good it's still there. When I feel good I still feel bad. When I'm excited about a concert or something, the excitement hurts and I want it to end. I have avoided doing things I really want to do just because I know that the feelings will be too overwhelming to handle. And when things are bad they're really bad, they've been really bad for about a year now. I normally come out of these depressive episodes after a few weeks or months but it has been over a year of feeling so utterly horrible all the time. Nobody can help me figure out what it is and I need to figure out what it is. I practice so much reflection, mindfulness and journalling, I try the therapy strategies to dig deeper into my mind and I come out with nothing. I at least somewhat understand every other part of what's wrong with me aside from this feeling and it's the worst part about my life.