I've been dealing with some unresolved issues for quite some time. i never had good experience with men or boys in general a few incidents were traumatising and they have definitely affected me in some way it's not like i'm struggling with them daily but it all comes back with the main and that is my past. I never paid attention to the fact that i was relieving always the same nightmares in my childhood because i didn't realise it back then. The same goes for the || hyper sexual || behaviour that has been around since i was like 6-7 years old. My parents noticed it but didn't pay a lot of attention to it. It never made sense to me and i always questioned myself what was wrong with me? The older i got i knew something wasn't right especially since i'm aware of the fact that i used to sleep with my father downstairs on the couch. I always thought something happened since the nigtmares but couldn't wrap a finger around it. But in april i started to have flashbacks and it took me back to a situation with me and my father. It came as a huge shock and i didn't know how to deal with it but i always tried to search for distraction if i have an episode of flashbacks but that eventually led to pretending the trauma doesn't exist and i'm aware that i'm in denial ever since and it's only making the trauma worse because i can't deal with physical contact even the wrong words can be enough to cause flashbacks. i know that i'm dealing with it in every wrong way possible but i can't bring myself to talk about it let alone telling your family that won't even believe you. I really feel like telling someone but i'm not in the right environment to do so. It's just fair to say that i don't know how to deal with myself anymore.
#(tw trauma) ||CSA||
brave vault
brave vault
i considered opening up about it someone and i do have people. But i can't trust to tell them such a thing knowing that they either won't believe me or that they'll my family and the same goes to my school. My lack of trust is not making it any better..