a journal of my life

[balmy epoch]

So much brainfog and overthinking rn

[manic jackal]

I get that, anythinf specific that keeps you up?

[balmy epoch]

Been like that for years

Nothing changed

[manic jackal]

That sucks

[balmy epoch]

I usually get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep on average

[manic jackal]

Oh wow, that's very little

[balmy epoch]

Yeah I know...

[wooden oxide]

awhh so cutee!! (you have a relationship?!)

[manic jackal]

(I do not but I would win it🙂‍↕️)

[balmy epoch]

Ah

[wooden oxide]

Ohh with those flowers yes

[manic jackal]

Ikr

I needed to do something so I made that bouquet

[wooden oxide]

get that

I also want to do sm tbh so I am talkin here

[manic jackal]

Now I'm in need to do something else tho

[manic jackal]

Very glad that you're talking here

[wooden oxide]

Not much different places to talk haha

but I love talking here

[manic jackal]

Acting like ypu don't like me😔

[manic jackal]

Good:)

[wooden oxide]

noooo

[manic jackal]

Mhmm

Anyways I want a build a bear🎀

[wooden oxide]

I do like youuu:((

[wooden oxide]

omg yes

you have so many good ideas

[manic jackal]

That's what they all say

[manic jackal]

OMG SAME

WAIT

No wait

Help

I need to start reading better

💀

I thought you said 'I have so many good ideas'

[wooden oxide]

BGAHAHA

[manic jackal]

My dad and my sister were in a discussion, my sister started to cry and my mom yelled at my dad. I felt so bad tbh. He's been having a rough time because of some stuff

Sure he made mistakes, but this just is shitty for him tbh

My dad is yelling at my sister again

[manic jackal]

Talking to someone that's freaking pretty but lives on the other side of the world is a struggel😔

[manic jackal]

bruh my wifi sucksss

[manic jackal]

Feeling pretty shitty rn ngl, hoping to stay home. I cough a lot and just mentally feeling nad

Bat

💀

Bad

[manic jackal]

Just hugged my mom while I cried, it felt good tbh. I've been needing a hug but I was too scared to ask. Now I just pretty much broke down

Il be trying to go to school for atleast 1 hour because I have a po (practical project) that I really need to do with my friend. And after that I can go home but il see how long I can go

My dad making fun (unintentionally making me feel bad) about me eating a grilled cheese

So much happening already, getting a little overwhelmed

[manic jackal]

(I will have to survive atleast 3 hours, because of a test)

Feeling a lil scared honestly

[wooden oxide]

Awh that is not that great, maybe someone that can help you get through it?

[manic jackal]

Not really, the part I'm scared about is a panick attack, but we will see

The last 2 hours are luckly a really amazing teacher

So if I still feel this way in her lesson il probably just talk with her about it

[wooden oxide]

That is a good thing

[manic jackal]

Yeahh

[manic jackal]

Cried in engelish💀

Anyways, I'm going home now so that's. Good?

[wooden oxide]

Oh noo, you alright now?

[manic jackal]

Yep I am:)

[wooden oxide]

Good to hear!:)

[manic jackal]

The whole day just has been feeling like a time bomb, when will I burst into tears again?

I hate this. Tomorrow I have to go to school because of a test (I didn't study) and idk

[manic jackal]

wanted to text someone, and they just said they related

(to my problems btw)

nothing wrong with it, im sure some people would like it, but i hated it

i just needed some adivice or sum idk

[manic jackal]

surpisingly still talking to her, she's really pretty:) idk what her intetions are and im honestly not sure about mine. we've just been talking nothing wierd not serious, but yk

she's also just really sweet, i send her a video of me just yapping and she send me one back of her yapping which made me really happy:)

[wooden oxide]

If you are still feeling like this I to be honest wouldn't go to school. your mental health is more important then a stupid test

[manic jackal]

I do, but I don't want to bother my parents again

[wooden oxide]

I don’t think it would be a bother:) they are your parents for a reason

[manic jackal]

I'm staying home, I truly wanted to go ngl, but I just don't want to cry in class

[manic jackal]

Yeah, but I feel bas tbh

[manic jackal]

Il probably still study and do stuff for arts class

[wooden oxide]

I hope you feel better soon<3

[manic jackal]

Thanks♡

[manic jackal]

Going to a concert today:)

Haven't showed for a few days (gross I know)

But tbh hygiene isn't that Hugh on my list of priorities

Anyways, today it is so il shower and stuff today:)

[wooden oxide]

oo fun!

[manic jackal]

Yes!

[manic jackal]

She called me 'love'

Anyways I got to stop this cuz it will only break me😭

(I won't tho)

[manic jackal]

The concert was great!

(I now feel like crying)

This was a fanproject we started! (Holding hearts for your flashlight, by the song 'houden van mij' (loving myself))

[wooden oxide]

This looks like sm fun!

[wooden oxide]

Also feeling any better than yesterday?

[manic jackal]

Kinda? Bur il go to school either way ig

[wooden oxide]

Aah wish you the best:)

[manic jackal]

You to!

[wooden oxide]

Thank you!

[manic jackal]

She keeps calling me pretty and stuff and omg

😔

[manic jackal]

it just got shipped, so it will arrive in about a week or so! but il be able to get it in around 2 weeks cuz i have to pick it up

[wooden oxide]

That’s so cute 🥹

[manic jackal]

I know right

[balmy epoch]

morning everyone

[manic jackal]

Morning:)

[balmy epoch]

Heyy 🙂

How are you

[manic jackal]

I'm not the best but it's alr, how are you??

[balmy epoch]

Decent

[manic jackal]

Glad to hear

[balmy epoch]

Why, what happened?

Anything bothering you?

[manic jackal]

Cant play hockey, which I hate, it's nothing too bad dw

[balmy epoch]

Ohhh

Yeah it takes some practice

Not as easy as it looks

[manic jackal]

Well I can play hockey, but my muscle tore so I have to rest for a week

[balmy epoch]

Ohhhhhh

Ouch

That sucks

[manic jackal]

For real. Its always fun when we play hockey on school (its more dangerous then with actuall hockey players

[balmy epoch]

HAHAHAHA

[manic jackal]

Yep, but today marks my week rest so I slowely start to play again

[manic jackal]

I'm so fr, almost got hit in the head once😭

[balmy epoch]

Thats crazy

[manic jackal]

For real

[balmy epoch]

Ya'll got snow lying on the ground?

[manic jackal]

Not anymore, but we did have it for a few days!

[balmy epoch]

Ah

[manic jackal]

What about by you?

[balmy epoch]

Had some snowfall yesterday

[manic jackal]

Oeh that's great

[balmy epoch]

Not much but it was the first snowfall I've seen in quite a while

We haven't really had much for the past few years

[manic jackal]

That sucks

[balmy epoch]

Also I'm able to walk again

yay

Partially

[manic jackal]

That's amazing!

[balmy epoch]

With the help of a crutch tho

[manic jackal]

A win is a win🤷‍♀️

[balmy epoch]

Feeling like a cripple now 💀

[manic jackal]

😭

[balmy epoch]

Good thing that my femur and tibia held up

Had some fractures

[manic jackal]

No idea what those are tbh, but yeey that sounds amazing

[balmy epoch]

Bones in your leg

[manic jackal]

Glad that you're getting better

[manic jackal]

Ohhh

[balmy epoch]

Femur and tibia are for weight support

[manic jackal]

Ohhh

That's amazing then!

[balmy epoch]

Fibula is for stability for the ankle joint

Luckly only my fibula broke

Wouldn't be able to walk for 6 months if my femur or tibia broke lol

[manic jackal]

Oh jees

[balmy epoch]

btw christmas market

in vienna

[manic jackal]

That looks amazing!

[balmy epoch]

Stuff there was really expensive

[manic jackal]

Ohh you're from Austria? (Idk if you already told me😭)

[balmy epoch]

Had a cup of mulled wine

which cost 5 bucks

😭

[manic jackal]

Yeah didn't expect anything else tbh, I mean it's probably an amazing tourist spot

[balmy epoch]

Yep

[manic jackal]

Mulled whine? Sounds like glu wine ngl😭

[balmy epoch]

Its Glühwein is german

[manic jackal]

Oh

Never had it, exept some berry juice that was warmed up and that was hella gross

[balmy epoch]

google translator said its bisschopswijn in dutch

I have no idea how to pronounce it

[manic jackal]

No idea what that is, wait let me look it up

[manic jackal]

Bis-schops-wijn

Sch is like a hard g with a s for it

[balmy epoch]

😭

I have no idea how to pronounce wijn

[manic jackal]

Uhm

It's like w ij n

Idk how to explain

[balmy epoch]

Oh my god lol

[manic jackal]

Ohh wait now I know what it is!

[balmy epoch]

Well Vienna was okay'ish

Spent a day or so there

[manic jackal]

Oeh amazing

[balmy epoch]

Went to the theaters

Paid 15$ just to fall asleep during the audition

💀

[manic jackal]

😭

So real of you tho

[balmy epoch]

Real

[manic jackal]

Oehhh

That's so pretty

[balmy epoch]

Seats weren't that comfy

Very tight space

[manic jackal]

Really? They seem so comfy tbh

[balmy epoch]

They kinda were

But it was kinda uncomfy cuz of the tight space

[manic jackal]

Ohh I get that

[balmy epoch]

Couldn't really get a good spot for them legs

Long leg issues

Parliament

[manic jackal]

Can't relate😔

[manic jackal]

That looks so cool

[balmy epoch]

Plenary session

[manic jackal]

That seems like it's boring ngl

[balmy epoch]

Was kinda amusing for me

[manic jackal]

I get that

[balmy epoch]

Basically it was a kindergarden full of adults

[manic jackal]

That sounds very funny

[balmy epoch]

Because they were arguing the whole time

And cursing at eachother

💀

That went on for like 3 hours

[manic jackal]

😭

Sounds amazing

[balmy epoch]

Parties shit talking eachother for 3 hours straight

[manic jackal]

Damn

[balmy epoch]

Dressed adequate

In my best suit

Just to listen to adults screaming like little children for 3 hours straight

💀

[manic jackal]

Best entertainment tho

[balmy epoch]

Pulled up in that suit

[manic jackal]

Nice

[balmy epoch]

And a coat

cuz its cold af in vienna

and really windy

[manic jackal]

Same here sadly😔

[balmy epoch]

Mhm

[manic jackal]

I'm tiredddddd

[wooden oxide]

Understandable

It is 1am en

Rn

[manic jackal]

12 am for me:)

and at that time it was 9:30 so its too early to be tired:(

Was having a bad night (fighting ||sh|| urges) and then I got this in the game (it's worth around 150 normaly) and idk It made me smile

[wooden oxide]

Awhh that is acc so nice

[wooden oxide]

There is nothing wrong with being tired

Sometimes your body needs it

[manic jackal]

yeah but FOMO hits hard

[manic jackal]

i know right!

[wooden oxide]

Fomo?

[manic jackal]

Fear
Off
Missing
Out

so like, staying up cuz what if i miss something?

or going to events i dont want to go to, because what if its actually pretty fun and i miss it all?

[wooden oxide]

Ohh I am sure you won’t miss anything at 10 pm at a Saturday

[manic jackal]

i know😭 but still

and well i wouldve missed a change to speak to you

and talking to the gf of my friend (i could call her my bestie at this point ngl)

[wooden oxide]

That is sort of true

[manic jackal]

see

[wooden oxide]

It is almost 2am.. 😞

[manic jackal]

1*

Are you really in austria.....

cuz thats in the same time zone and continent🧍🏼‍♀️

[wooden oxide]

Wait what

[manic jackal]

WAIT

OMG HELP

WRONG PERSON

this should by my sign to sleep💀

[wooden oxide]

BAHAHA YOU MISTAKED ME FOR THE PERSON YOU WHERE TALKING TO EARLIER

[manic jackal]

anyways, you should slep

[manic jackal]

YEAH HAHAHAHA

[wooden oxide]

Ill change my name wait

Name back bam

[manic jackal]

nooo its not that, it was just youre pfp that confuses me

[wooden oxide]

Haha understandable

[manic jackal]

how are you tho?

[wooden oxide]

Pretty good

[manic jackal]

glad to hear!

[wooden oxide]

You?

[manic jackal]

not the best, but surviving yk

[manic jackal]

this is so true but also so wierd, like yes i want to get better but being better feels so wrong

everytime i feel better i start to spiral ''oh but i dont deserve this'' ''do i deserve the therapist still, because now im fine'' ''i should be sad right now not just happy''

and its so wierd, cuz any sane person would be like ''but you do deserve it all, and you should just tell yourself that''

but like i cant, i cant seem to believe it

being sad is me for some reason, i cant remember the last time when i didnt live in fear for anything

2 years ago was probably one of the last times i didnt have all these stupid thoughts, but even then i had the fear of these thoughts coming back. now its the fear of it becoming even worse, but also the fear of not being valid

anyways imma sleep

night

[manic jackal]

I hateeeeee resellers

[wooden oxide]

Want to talk abt it?:)

[manic jackal]

I feel better! Just hungry now😔

[wooden oxide]

You shpuld eat

[manic jackal]

I'm waiting for my mom to make some food🙂‍↕️

[manic jackal]

im boreddddd

[wooden oxide]

me tooo

[balmy epoch]

Same

The voices in my head won't stop talking

[manic jackal]

Then we're not bored together

OMG WAIT JOLLY

Can you please please please explain the difference between then and than

[wooden oxide]

WHAT

[wooden oxide]

ohh sure

[manic jackal]

Yeeey

[wooden oxide]

than is when you are talking about comparisons like: "you are a bigger fan than me" and then is mostly related to time like: "Back then I went to the mall"

[manic jackal]

Ohhh that makes sence

Thank youuu

[wooden oxide]

or like I went to the gym then I showered

[wooden oxide]

npp!

[manic jackal]

Sorry to hear

[balmy epoch]

I'm so lost today

Like I just want to die honestly

Such a awkward feeling

[manic jackal]

That sucks

[balmy epoch]

Idk what I'm even doing rn

[wooden oxide]

go dance queeny (sorry you are feeling that way, I am joking to try and make you feel better)

[balmy epoch]

I'm super lost rn

Don't know what im supposed to do

[manic jackal]

I love you😭

[balmy epoch]

Don't know how to help myself rn

[manic jackal]

Real

[balmy epoch]

The voices won't stop

[manic jackal]

Even a psychologist can't help me

[manic jackal]

You are the dancing queennn

[balmy epoch]

They've been telling me to do end it all

[manic jackal]

Young and sweet

Only seventeennnn

[balmy epoch]

Since this morning...

[manic jackal]

(Forgot the rest)

[manic jackal]

Look I'm really sorry, but try to keep venting out of my journal please

[balmy epoch]

Alright

[manic jackal]

I don't mind it when I asked about it, but please don't do it unasked

[balmy epoch]

👍

[manic jackal]

Thank you!

[wooden oxide]

@manic jackal do you and your friends do christmas presents?

is it normal to crush on random actords

actors

[manic jackal]

Yes we do!

[manic jackal]

Yes🙂‍↕️

Otherwise we're both wierd

[wooden oxide]

just random but what do you want them to buy? because someone I have began friends with wants to buy something for me and I need ideas

[wooden oxide]

Some are so pretty

[manic jackal]

We don't really ask, we just go based of what we know!
But my friend is probably buying me a book, I also hinted for a vinyl (7inch) and just small billie merch

Like a beanie and stuff

[manic jackal]

For real tho

[wooden oxide]

what vinyl? do you collect them?

[manic jackal]

I do yeah! So like I hinted for a sailor song vinyl and the new pink pony club 7inch!

[wooden oxide]

omg cool!! i love those and the fact that you collect them

[manic jackal]

Yesss, very expensive tho😭

A 7inch is found 15 euro's and if you want one that you can't but anymore then get ready to spend atleast 75

[wooden oxide]

wait but there is a pink pony club vinyl? because I think here it isn't out yet

what I found here it is a pre-order

that like releases in middle of january

[manic jackal]

It's up for preorder

[manic jackal]

I'm okey with waiting🙂‍↕️

[wooden oxide]

oohh

[manic jackal]

Yesss

[wooden oxide]

I would collect vinyls if my mom let me haha

the prices always shock me though

[manic jackal]

I'm also getting the rsd exlusive billie eilish vinyl

[wooden oxide]

omg cooll!!

[manic jackal]

Same😭

[manic jackal]

Yess! Another 42 euro's down the drain tho💀

[wooden oxide]

😧

[manic jackal]

But ya know, its billie

And isolated vocals

[wooden oxide]

ohh yeah then tbh

42 sounds cheap

for that

[manic jackal]

For real

And resale will be atleast 120

Especially later

[wooden oxide]

THAT EXPENSIVE??

[manic jackal]

Yepp

But it's now pretty rare because there was a limited stock pretty much

[wooden oxide]

Aaah

[manic jackal]

My mom just came to my room asking me if I didn't want to come downstairs (we watch this serie together) and idk it made me a little emotional. Like just the little things ig? Today was just annoying and a shitty day so this really meant a lot

My dad talks about ✨️war✨️

Like I get it, but bsfr

Just dont thank you very much, I won't survive war😔

[wooden oxide]

Omg me neither

That is why I dont want war

[manic jackal]

I don't think that anyone wants war😔

[wooden oxide]

Only some political people maybe

[manic jackal]

Yeah but they're crazy

[manic jackal]

Omg 3 new people here😭

That's crazy in like 1 night

Anyways, I called the local record store and they would put appart HMHAS isolated vocals for me

I also did some other stuff

I'm going to Germany tonight for some groceries which is fun

[wooden oxide]

Omg cool!!

[wooden oxide]

Isnt it a random Tuesday..

[manic jackal]

It is, but I live about an hour from the border

[manic jackal]

And my dad forgot

Ofcourse

We're still going ig, it just hurted that he totally forgot. And then he went like 'oh shit (football game) is tonight to' like why is a game even that important that you have to name it?

Am I less important then a stupid football game or something

And he knows that I had my mind set on this, and when I have that then it's just shitty for me to proces that if won't happen. So here I am crying because the possibility was there that we weren't going. And that a football game is more important than me

His words for still going was 'well a promise makes you tied' like sorry what?

I honestly don't want to go anymore, I just feel so shitty now

Nvm he got stuck in traffic, I hate this shit

[wooden oxide]

Awhh noo

Are you alr? I get that it annoying when plans don’t go as promised

[manic jackal]

It's fine ig dw

Just upset me ig

[wooden oxide]

@manic jackal Did you have a fun day today?:)

[manic jackal]

I wouldn't say 'fun' but it was alright

[wooden oxide]

awhh no did something went wrong?

[manic jackal]

I had a few tests

[wooden oxide]

did they go good?

[manic jackal]

Not too sure

[wooden oxide]

awhh I hope they will turn out good! and otherwise it is just a test

not the end of the world

[manic jackal]

True ig?

[wooden oxide]

wait sorry if that sounded like I was calling anyone dramatic or anything

didn't mean it like that

[manic jackal]

No you didn't don't worry!

[manic jackal]

Nit my dad telling me I'm.autistic💀

Like I just get overwhelmed with a lot of things on one sheet of paper😭

(That's why math is so hard for me, cuz it's a lot of different numbers and letters on a sheet which makes me overwhelmed. So I can't see a beginning nor a ending)

[stoic dew]

thats so mean

[manic jackal]

It was pretty funny ngl😭

[stoic dew]

ah same, dont worry. my step sister called me stupid for failing math at 11

[manic jackal]

I've been saying it for weeks, and he didn't want to believe it. And then he just said that

[manic jackal]

Damn😔

[stoic dew]

yeah. crazy

[manic jackal]

Hope math goes well now

It's like worse subject ever

[stoic dew]

:( man that sucks

[stoic dew]

im doing calc now hehe

plot twist!

[manic jackal]

Damnn

[stoic dew]

my sis emotionally traumatised me uh.... at 11 so like

[manic jackal]

It's fine, I get why he didn't believe it. But it was funny how he saw it himself now

[manic jackal]

Damn sorry to hear that

[stoic dew]

cus i wasnt academically inclined but don't see whats wrong

[manic jackal]

That's wierd

[stoic dew]

its alright.. my dad said there was smt off with her back then

but honestly thats not an excuse

[manic jackal]

Yeah definitely not

[stoic dew]

like.. she 1 on 1 tutors me ._. and it so bad to the point before it the session started, i cried so badly

and she scolds me for failing my subjects in school and when i kept on crying she just scolds me even more harshly

[manic jackal]

Reminds me of covid, and my dad has to tutor me (he teaches the wrong things💀)

[manic jackal]

Jees

[stoic dew]

😭 omg covid

[stoic dew]

mhm.. it sucks so bad

and my family said it was "tough love"

how is that even tough love.

[manic jackal]

Help yes😭

[stoic dew]

theres a big difference between tough love and abusing someones emotions.

[manic jackal]

Damn

[stoic dew]

[stoic dew]

now i get flashbacks on it. even though it was 6-7 years ago..

[manic jackal]

Oh wow sorry to hear

[stoic dew]

and i cry over it still

[manic jackal]

Damn

[stoic dew]

its alright.. im healing rn but it smt that isnt forgivable

[manic jackal]

I don't remember most of my childhood

[stoic dew]

😭 my childhood was great except that.

😢

[manic jackal]

I get that

[manic jackal]

Mine was also great, I guess atleast💀

My friend said that it was ✨️trauma✨️

[stoic dew]

[manic jackal]

But oh well, can't remember so why call it ✨️trauma✨️

[stoic dew]

its too far yk, even though she is my sister. i honestly hate ppl who have to say that its family so i have to forgive her.

[stoic dew]

i think the last straw was i wanted a watch for my bday from my sister, but then she said i failed so she wouldn't give me. :( i really wanted it. but my dad had to pay for it. 😭

[manic jackal]

That's not too bad tbh😭

I mean I kinda get it (the rest is really sad tho)

[stoic dew]

[stoic dew]

yeap, honestly the watch is whatever but yeah

[manic jackal]

Yeah I get it

[stoic dew]

[stoic dew]

but dont worry

just ignore ur dad

[manic jackal]

For what

[stoic dew]

if he says anyt means to u

[manic jackal]

Ohh yeah

[stoic dew]

[stoic dew]

thanks for listening to me

honestly needed to get that out of my chest

[manic jackal]

Ofcourse!

[stoic dew]

😭

i wanted to send a gif

but cant haha

[wooden oxide]

I love your pfp

[stoic dew]

aww thank you! im matching with my bf :3

[wooden oxide]

awhh cutee!

[stoic dew]

hehe thanks :3

[wooden oxide]

:))

@manic jackal sorry to distubr but how was your day?:)

[stoic dew]

if u want the pic u can ask me :p

[manic jackal]

Noo don't worry!
It wasn't too great tbh, but couldve been worse

What about yourse?

[wooden oxide]

That is sort of good! I hope it gets better soon though 🫶

[wooden oxide]

Was pretty good! A free day and goodish weather so spend lots of time outside

[manic jackal]

Yeah, it probably will dw♡

[manic jackal]

That's good to hear!

[manic jackal]

ugh i got elastics for my braces today and i already forgot how to put them in, i now have to call them tomorrow but for some reason im like terified to do so

[manic jackal]

just talked to someone, they honestly gave me some great advice

[manic jackal]

I GOT THE VINYL

MY GRANDPARENTS PICKED OT UP FOR ME

I will get it next week tho, but it makes the wait good

[wooden oxide]

THE ISLOATED??

[manic jackal]

YESSS

[wooden oxide]

OMG COOOL!!!

[manic jackal]

IKRRR

Resale is already like 80 bucks

I estimate that the worth will be around 120 in a few years😭

[wooden oxide]

😟

[manic jackal]

Yeah

I once just looked at the estimate price of my full collection and it was like 350 at that point. And now I have a disc that's worth like 75 and then like this vinyl too😭

[wooden oxide]

Damn!! That is so cool

[manic jackal]

Vinyl is crazy, I hope people stop collecting so Nirmal price becomes 25 again😔

[manic jackal]

Yess

I love collecting stuff

[wooden oxide]

I get that

I always collect special rocks

I have also stones

I forgot the name

Those coloured stones

[manic jackal]

Omg I also have lots of those

[wooden oxide]

And shells

[manic jackal]

Crystals?

[wooden oxide]

YES AND GEMSTONES

TY

[manic jackal]

I have like a full crystal collection

[wooden oxide]

i lost the words

[manic jackal]

OEHHH

[wooden oxide]

yeah I love collecting those

[stoic dew]

haiii

[stoic dew]

omg i used to love crystals

now i collect sonny angels

[manic jackal]

Oehh

[stoic dew]

yes

i hope u know what r those

[manic jackal]

I doo

[stoic dew]

omg yay

u collect them urself?

[manic jackal]

I don't haha

[stoic dew]

ohh

its alrightt

hope ur day is going weel rn

[manic jackal]

Jees, finally going home. I'm so dome with this day omg

I've been at the hockey field for around 12 hours now. I'm so overwhelmed

I got so overwhelmed by all the little kids screaming and stuff, my friend just left me alone eventhough she knew this

[wooden oxide]

Awh no why so long

[wooden oxide]

That isn’t that nice of your friend, did you calm down a bit now?

[manic jackal]

Because I first had to coach, then my own game, then glow hockey (coaching) then my own glow hockey

[manic jackal]

Yeah I did now:)

[lyric granite]

@manic jackal

damn

[manic jackal]

Mh?

[lyric granite]

this is one heck of a journal

[manic jackal]

Wdym?

[lyric granite]

10K msgs

💀

[manic jackal]

Ohh yeah, I like tk yap

[lyric granite]

samee

[manic jackal]

But it's also been on since like march this year?

[manic jackal]

Oehhh

[lyric granite]

still

you'd need to have like 70 msgs a day on average

[manic jackal]

Yeah I get it haha, I have people dropping by and just talking to me etc so yeah!

[lyric granite]

ahh

[manic jackal]

🎀

[manic jackal]

Yep, which makes this journal pretty special ngl

Like it's not just me but it's so many people randomly responding which I enjoy haha

[lyric granite]

yeah, true, that makes it way more easy

but still, what a great achievement!

[manic jackal]

Yeppp, it's still a lot tho

[lyric granite]

yeah

[manic jackal]

Yess, I wonder if people have more messages😭

[lyric granite]

probs not

[manic jackal]

The highest I could find was 7000

[lyric granite]

yup, me too

the others are like

1K

[manic jackal]

Yeppp

Amateurs

[lyric granite]

lmaooo

rookies

[manic jackal]

Fr

[lyric granite]

(i have a journal with 7 msgs)

💀

[manic jackal]

Still crazy that 50 (probably less tho) people read my journal amd my yaps

[manic jackal]

😭

Would've been me if people didn't drop by every now and then

[lyric granite]

i started today

[manic jackal]

Because that reminds me and keeps me motivated to write

[lyric granite]

damn

[manic jackal]

Yep yep

[wooden oxide]

Tbh I love reading it

[manic jackal]

That's crazy to me haha

[manic jackal]

The girl I'm talking to is too sweet omg

She travels to the netherlands atleast once a year, she's like flirting with me and stuff

But it's getting next level

She showed me a poem (she doesn't show them to anyone exept me) and it was about loving someone without ever meeting them irl

I put 2 and 2 together so I asked who it was about. And she refused to tell me and stuff

So I think it's about me😭

It's so cute and just ugh

Anyways, I just made a bold move

#yolo

If we keep going like this then I won't be single next year🎀

[manic jackal]

I'm boreddddd

(I have to study for french)

[wooden oxide]

Do you have a test soon?

[manic jackal]

I had one today haha

[wooden oxide]

Oo did it go qell?

well*

[manic jackal]

I think so (I cheated🙏)

🎀

[wooden oxide]

Haha real I would have done too

[manic jackal]

Rs

[wooden oxide]

Is the person you cheated of good in french?

[manic jackal]

I hope so😭

[wooden oxide]

doesnt sound promising😭

[manic jackal]

Their better then me so j
Its fine

[wooden oxide]

Ooo then it is good

How was your day otherwise?

[manic jackal]

Not the best, went home sick haha

And I wanted to pick up my package but the store was closed😔

[wooden oxide]

Ohh

I hope you get better

[manic jackal]

ive been brushing my teeth for a week now, yippy

honestly, big mile stone especially with the way im feeling rn

so like, yeey

tomorrow im getting a sweather from my friend because third of december

i also hate being a women, cramps suck like omg

anyways, i survived the day

[manic jackal]

just saw the dc of my old bestfriend, i honestly miss her.

i just scrolled through the messages, i miss how much she knew me. how we knew how we felt. how we just had our own jokes and stuff

i want to send her a message but idk if its wanted

[manic jackal]

okey now someone said i should

ugh idk, i dont want to be toxic for her

[manic jackal]

i just send a little ''hey i've been thinking of you and i hope you're doing well''

cuz like 2 people told me that i could and that it wouldnt be toxic, so yeah

[manic jackal]

she responded, shes really chil

she understands it all, and yeah idk

i truly missed us

[wooden oxide]

This is so cool!!

[wooden oxide]

If she and you are open up for it (and if she isn’t toxic) i would say go for it!

[manic jackal]

Ikr!

[manic jackal]

Yeah we're talking rn!

[wooden oxide]

Cool! Have funn

[manic jackal]

Ate

[wooden oxide]

Slay

[manic jackal]

Feeling quite empty rn

Tomorrow I have a talk with my new psychologist and my parents, there will also be a psychiatrist

That might be the reason, I will be off school for the day. Exept the last hour because they decided to have a practical test last hour, so il be there

[manic jackal]

@warm otter read about 2 pages of the bible today! it isnt much, but its the first time in a long time that i did it because i wanted to and not because i was forced:)

@balmy epoch how have you been??

[wooden oxide]

Good luckk!

[warm otter]

Nice, that’s great to hear Sophie :)

I forgot what i was trying to bribe you with
Probably cat pictures

How were the two pages :D

[warm otter]

Oo hope it goes well

Oh? New psychologist?

[manic jackal]

Omhg

[manic jackal]

They were alright, a little boring tho. I already know this story

[manic jackal]

Yeah, this one is like a specialist and stuff

They can also give meds and stuff there

[manic jackal]

On my way to the psychologist, my parents are talking about how my problems are 'normal' and that every teen had them, and basically just that it isn't that bad

[wooden oxide]

Did it go well?

[manic jackal]

It did! I felt understood etc.i will undergo tests for autism and add (I didn't even request it so it's funny that they saw/knew)

[wooden oxide]

Is add almost the same as adhd?

[manic jackal]

Em I'm not to sure, let me check it out rq!

ADHD is the official, medical term for the condition — regardless of whether a patient demonstrates symptoms of hyperactivity. ADD is a now-outdated term that is typically used to describe inattentive-type ADHD, which has symptoms including disorganization, lack of focus, and forgetfulness.3 sep 2019

I will be testen for both, but were kinda sure that it's autism:)
That should explain a lot of my behavior and feelings haha

[wooden oxide]

Ooo!

[manic jackal]

Yepp

It's funny how I've been saying it for the past 2- 3 months and now it's probably true

(Imagine it isnt💀)

[wooden oxide]

A diagnosis could be helpful

[manic jackal]

Yep definitely, I will be turning it down though, so that people in the future can't see that I officially have autism

[wooden oxide]

Ooo

[manic jackal]

So I will get tested and be treated for the autism, but it won't me in my medical record

[wooden oxide]

Smart

[manic jackal]

Yep

[balmy epoch]

Yes, I'm still alive

[manic jackal]

How are you tho??

[balmy epoch]

Nearing my 20's

[manic jackal]

That's good

[manic jackal]

not me who burned 3 fingers💀

i grab like metal that was 100+ celcius

luckly no blisters, and the pain isnt that bad anymore

[wooden oxide]

huh?? how did that happen

also

are you alr

[manic jackal]

I had class and we needed some fire. And I grabbed the part where the fire comes out of💀

[wooden oxide]

oh no

[manic jackal]

20 virusen later but I got it🙏

[warm otter]

I mean

They were your age once

Just as it’s sadly things that a lot your age go through
Older people did too

[manic jackal]

Yeah I get that, but I just hate how they talk about it like it isn't a big deal

[lyric granite]

yooo 👋

[manic jackal]

Hey hey

[lyric granite]

hru?

[lyric granite]

wow...

[manic jackal]

I'm good, what about you??

[manic jackal]

What??

[lyric granite]

nothing

[lyric granite]

pretty jolly

[manic jackal]

That's good to hear

[manic jackal]

Alr haha

[lyric granite]

yup

syrian rebels are winning

and i've yet to continue writing my thread

[manic jackal]

The what?

[lyric granite]

syrian civil war

[manic jackal]

Oh

[warm otter]

Woooooo

Season to be jolly

[warm otter]

You’ve told them this? :b

[manic jackal]

No, too scared to

[warm otter]

Bruhhhh

[manic jackal]

(My mom is the one speaking up for me)

[manic jackal]

We listen we dont judge🎀

[warm otter]

Bruhhhhhhhh

Well if you don’t say, They’re going to continue doing so :b

Your choice

[manic jackal]

I know, but idk il wait once I get the courage to speak up🙏

[warm otter]

When will that happen :D

[manic jackal]

Uhm idk we will see

I spoke up a lot with the psychologist stuff tho:)

[warm otter]

That’s great :)

[manic jackal]

Yepp

Istg I will be freaking g thowing my economic stuff out of the window

If I don't atleast get 80% for this il quit idc

[warm otter]

Your what

[manic jackal]

Me of I was a cat

[manic jackal]

Economics? Like learning about money? And if you rent how much it will cost more. How to properly start a business. How to buy a house. All the costs with that house etc etc

It's usefull but stupid

[warm otter]

OH ECONOMICS CLASS

OHHHH

[manic jackal]

Yeah😔

[manic jackal]

I've been working on this stuff for 3 months now

[warm otter]

Nah you’d be that one

[manic jackal]

Real

Omg cola🙏

I love cola

[warm otter]

Cola-broth cat stew

[manic jackal]

Mhm🙂‍↕️

[warm otter]

Ok what in the frick does that last emoji mean

[manic jackal]

I decided that I won't be a adult

Tf

[warm otter]

I get sent it too much

[manic jackal]

It's a nod, me nodding

[manic jackal]

It's a habit of my friend that I picked up😭

[manic jackal]

Anyways il be crying to some isolated vocals brb🎀

[warm otter]

Lol sadly we don’t get that choice

There is so Peter Pan

No *

[manic jackal]

Okey so I'm back

[manic jackal]

Idc il find a way😭

My man will do all the money and stuff. Il just spend it🎀

I called my mom😭

[wooden oxide]

Virusen?

[manic jackal]

A virus

[wooden oxide]

I am always jolly:)

[manic jackal]

Like a hack?

Idk😭🙏

[wooden oxide]

Oohh viruses sorry my brain didnt work for a sec

[wooden oxide]

real

[manic jackal]

Don't worryy

[wooden oxide]

Did you have a good day?:)

[manic jackal]

I did! Wbu?

[wooden oxide]

Good to hear! I also had a pretty good day

[lyric granite]

@manic jackal hey..

mind if i come vent here for a lil if i need?

im writing smt in the server

and it's a lil hard on me

[manic jackal]

id prefer if you dont, im sorry

[lyric granite]

not full vent

[manic jackal]

thats good to hear!

[lyric granite]

i used wrong words

its uhh

how do i say this

[manic jackal]

id still prefer if you dont tbh, unless its a reaction to my journal

[lyric granite]

ah ok

i wanted some advice

[manic jackal]

you could ping a listener if you want

[lyric granite]

ohhh i forgot abt the role

lmaooo

[manic jackal]

its okey haha

[lyric granite]

sry btw @manic jackal

[manic jackal]

you're good dw!

[manic jackal]

called with my friend again, it felt good to be talking to her. i truly missed this

[wooden oxide]

Wait this sounds so cute (in a friendly wat)

[manic jackal]

Yeah I get what you mean haha

[lyric granite]

@manic jackal i gotta say, your dedication to this really made me more dedicated to my mental health.

so i guess, thank you.

[manic jackal]

Damn glad to hear

[manic jackal]

No problem haha

Honestly the reason I keep doing this is to just talk about those award things. And to try to make things more 'normal'

Or more known idk

Today we celebrate sinterklaas it's basically just santa claus expect this person just takes kids to spain (very fun fi you ask me).
Anyways, I got presents I'm honestly so grateful for them
I got 2 new vinyl (blood harmony of finnes, and licht en donker of froukje)
I also got the billie converse and the crochet billue doll.
I got a new bag.
And 2 new books. Heartstopper volume 5 and how to make friends with the dark

Oh and inner and outer sleeves for my vinyl!

Forgot the best gift💀

I got like a cuddle pillow🙏

Best shit ever

[wooden oxide]

That is so cooll!! Glad you had fun!

[manic jackal]

Bruh got blocked💀

[wooden oxide]

By the friend you were talking to again?

[manic jackal]

No😭

To the girl I recently just started to talk to

[wooden oxide]

Awh no

Why?

[wooden oxide]

WAIT NO IS THIS THE GIRL YOU SAID THAT YOU PROB WONT BE SINGLR ANYMORE

[manic jackal]

BHAHAHA YES

💀🙏

I STILL DONT KNOW WHY SHE BLOCKED ME

Honestly it's fine, just sucks that idk what the hell I did💀

[wooden oxide]

Awhh nooo

[wooden oxide]

THAT IS SO WEIRD WTH

[manic jackal]

FOR REAL THO?!

[wooden oxide]

YEAH LIKE WHY RANDOMLY BLOCK SOMEONE

[manic jackal]

IFK?!

[wooden oxide]

Weird weird

How was your day

[manic jackal]

It wss alrighty

Yourse?

'We listen and we don't judge'

Babes I'm about to judge it all😭🙏

Hate those videos

They're the most ridiculous stuff too😭

[manic jackal]

I could buy a hoodie for my mom she really wants, but idk if it's a good finicial choice for me rn😭

[manic jackal]

My bike broke down and now my mom is mad

I've been kinda knowing this but I still had to talk to my mom about it. Now she's mad that I didn't do it all before

She told me that I'm making this a her problem

Idk makes me feel like a bother

Yeah its my fault, but why be so sour about it. Like okey I get it I'm a bother to you

[manic jackal]

i was overwhelmed like pretty bad too, i was having ||relapse urges|| and overall just shitty stuff, my dad got mad at me for something i did and i yelled. i ran away crying and he just started shouting at me.
i hate this place

they're not even trying to understand me, when i tell them about stuff its all normal and part of being a teen, my autism probably also isnt real in their minds

im just so sick of it all, i understand that i cant just yell at them, but yelling back isnt the way to go

and he always yells at us, but when we yell its ''you dont talk to us that way'' or ''i dont know whats happening to you''

like im genuinly just reflecting of shit you did to me.
im a teen i yell and rebel

im overwhelmed so that comes with breakdowns, is this too much to just understand?

[wooden oxide]

Awh no, you can’t help it. Why would she get mad?

[manic jackal]

Because I made a me problem a her problem😭

[wooden oxide]

😭

[wooden oxide]

@manic jackal how was your day?:)

[lyric granite]

yo yo journal grinder

hru?

[manic jackal]

It was alright

[manic jackal]

Heyy I'm alr, wbu?

[lyric granite]

im quite fine

thx for asking

[manic jackal]

Glad to hear

[wooden oxide]

That good to hear!

[manic jackal]

I need to get blood work done I'm.so scared

[manic jackal]

I survived

(I cried)

[wooden oxide]

good job girl

[manic jackal]

Thanks haha

[wooden oxide]

Im bored (sorry for talking in your journal)

You are fun to talk too

[manic jackal]

dont worry about it!

[manic jackal]

thanks haha

[wooden oxide]

Sooo anything happened todaay?

[manic jackal]

not really, im having a math test tomorrow tho so i studdied for that

[wooden oxide]

Thats good! I hate math tbh

[manic jackal]

same haha

[manic jackal]

omg bruh for a sec i was scared i got kicked out of here

[wooden oxide]

wait why

what happend

[manic jackal]

DC glitched

[wooden oxide]

I would have had a heart attack

[manic jackal]

I did haha

[wooden oxide]

girl I get you

[manic jackal]

today i went to my new psygologist and i dont rlly like her

she said stuff i already knew, like we couldve done more usefull stuff

i just didnt feel the conection that i did have with my last psygologist, anyways i dont like her. but i have to be with her for the next 2 months

she now wants me to write a journal daily, and then she wants to read it (i will ''accidentaly'' forget it)

il just make my own analasis

[wooden oxide]

that seems like she is taking your privacy away

or that could be me

[manic jackal]

She asked me if it was okey that she could read it. But my stupid ass said yes before I fully knew what she said

I process slower then I talk💀

[wooden oxide]

so real 😭

[manic jackal]

But il just say that I'm not comfortable enough with her reading it

[manic jackal]

You get me😭🙏

[lyric granite]

i never like new ones

like lemme keep our bond

switching is shit

[manic jackal]

True, but the old one couldn't help me

[manic jackal]

im so confused?

some girls just basically mocked me and stuff

idk it hurted and im confused but its alr

[wooden oxide]

Wait what, why

Why would someone mock you?

[manic jackal]

for genuinly no reason

anyways im like a trail mod in a server and that person was also in that server so they just got demoted because someone probably told them what happend and stuff. but now im scared cuz idk if i want to be a mod in that server

because a higherup just mocked me with that person

[wooden oxide]

Wtf that is so wrong to do

[manic jackal]

yeah, but now im not sure if i should text the manager about what happend

or the admin

yeah the admin

cuz the manager just mocked me with it, but im also scared to just get more shit if i tell the admin about thi

[wooden oxide]

Tbh I would

Because that isn’t a thing to do when you are a manager

[manic jackal]

Yeah but I'm also just scared

Cuz if she gets demoted etc it's my fault. And if she talks with her about then she just gets even more mad at me

[manic jackal]

Sp I told an admin about it

[wooden oxide]

did something happen after?

[manic jackal]

Not rlly

[opal rover]

Meid oh meid

[wooden oxide]

That’s good I think

[wooden oxide]

@manic jackal HII HRU

[manic jackal]

HEYY IM ALRIGHT WHAT ABOUT YOU??

[wooden oxide]

GOOD TO HEAR!! I AM PRETTY GOOD

[manic jackal]

YEEY

[manic jackal]

well it all just kinda got resolved in the server

rn im just kinda chilling just doing my thing

im mostly active at night tho (from around 10pm to 1 am)

and for the rest of the day im just checking and just kinda saying ''heyy hru''

but i think im pretty okey rn

[manic jackal]

what the hell

someone just randomly sends me a message (pararagh) telling me that i deserve someone who truly respects me (a friend is ignoring me atm)

im hella freaked out wtf

[wooden oxide]

that's scary..

[manic jackal]

Fr

[manic jackal]

Not me having actual MOLD in my bedroom window💀

[lyric granite]

damn still here

dedication

[manic jackal]

Duhh

I'm here to stay

[wooden oxide]

HUH?!

[manic jackal]

yeah😭

[wooden oxide]

@manic jackal how was todaaay??

[manic jackal]

It was alright! Wbu??

[manic jackal]

when im in a server and we all decide to dress up as the admin

[wooden oxide]

yay! great to hear! I am also doing good

last schoolday today

we got a christmas festive day, prob need to be in church all day

[manic jackal]

That's fun:)

[rain gazelle]

@manic jackal This is a really fucking cool idea! I love this

[manic jackal]

What exactly??

[rain gazelle]

The journal idea 😭

I didn't really realise there was like 50 other ppl doing it tho :p

[manic jackal]

Ohh haha yeah, many do this. I think that mine is the longest atm tho😭🙏

💀🙏

[wooden oxide]

OMG THAT IS GENIUS

[manic jackal]

IKR HAHAHAHA

[wooden oxide]

WHO MADE THAT

[manic jackal]

MY FRIEND HAHA

[wooden oxide]

OMG THATS AMAZING

[manic jackal]

IKR I DIED LAUGHING

[manic jackal]

Getting new everything basically, we've been working since yesterday evening so we will see when were done

[manic jackal]

Help my friend just bought me nitro?

ITS THE EXPENSIVE ONE TOO

i cant with this girl omg

[wooden oxide]

how long have you known her

😭

[manic jackal]

Gor like 3ish weeks😭🙏

I was s o confused

Whoops

Anyway my layout ate rn

[wooden oxide]

it did girl slay

[wooden oxide]

this looks so cool

[manic jackal]

That was my old closet haha

[wooden oxide]

ooohh

[manic jackal]

Thank youu

So happy I get to boost this server too ngl

[wooden oxide]

i would love to boost a server onces tbh, although it is a lot of money

[manic jackal]

For real tho

[manic jackal]

so the friend of my gf aperantly thinks im after her man

MA'AM YOUR MEN IS 19

IM 14

idk what shes on

[wooden oxide]

of your gf?!

wait huh

I am so confused but what 19?!!

[manic jackal]

Yeah haha, he was 17 when we met and I was 13:) (I have to add that we both didn't know untill we were already close friends)

[wooden oxide]

ooohh

But what yoy mean with gf? You got a girlfriend?

[manic jackal]

no his gf haha

oh wait i worded it wrong whoopsies

[wooden oxide]

Oooh damn what why would you be after your friend 😭

[manic jackal]

idk?! but the fact that she never told me this too

one time i called her the b word in a joke way, thats just what i do. she was hurt by it istg i appoligiezed 3 times and now she brought it up again

LIKE BABES