Yep, but hes improving. So as long as he keeps improving then idm
#a journal of my life
manic jackal
cosmic river
alrightt
gentle reef
@manic jackal Just wanted to check in how are you doing love?
manic jackal
<@456226577798135808> Just wanted to check in how are you doing love?
Hey Monty! I could be doing better. I will go "sick" home in a few. Because i feel like i could cry, so thats nice. How are you though??
gentle reef
Hey Monty! I could be doing better. I will go "sick" home in a few. Because i fe...
im doing okay love, sorry to hear that though
manic jackal
im doing okay love, sorry to hear that though
Glad to hear that your okey!
manic jackal
Well i told my bf, guess what he said
Absolutely nothing
He hasnt rlly said anything all day, but he can react in a fucking gc
Ugh
Why do people change when you become official?
Thats so stupid
cosmic river
no idea people are complicated af
manic jackal
Fr
manic jackal
i fucked up:p
i told him that i was feeling fine, while i didnt know how i felt
and he got semi angry?
which i get, but yeah i just choose to say im fine when i dont know haha
oh well lesson learnt:))
i love blasting my music so hard that il most likely will be deaf in my 30s (i alr have hearing loss:))
cosmic river
(ok but you can still get chicken sandwich)
manic jackal
(ok but you can still get chicken sandwich)
(no thank you)
manic jackal
We won the game 5-2 we are now placed first in the competition @steel sail !!!
steel sail
We won the game 5-2 we are now placed first in the competition <@687734718128848...
Yesssssss congratulations 🥳 @manic jackal being proud of being first place
manic jackal
i just poted a tomato (my dad did the most since i was scared of the spiders)
manic jackal
Yesssssss congratulations 🥳 <@456226577798135808> being proud of being first pl...
thank you!! i really hope that we will also end first:)
steel sail
thank you!! i really hope that we will also end first:)
Hope so keep me updated!!!!!!
steel sail
you want me to tag you then?
Sureee you could tag me anytime
manic jackal
Sureee you could tag me anytime
okey!
manic jackal
im feeling so shit rn
i think its because of him feeling so shit
i cant help him in any way exept to reasure him that it will all be okey
i wish that i could go to his place and help him tbh
but i cant because we live to far away from eachother
i hate that i cant do anything
its so sad because he's saying that he will never be a boy
and that makes me so sad that he thinks that
he never was a girl in my eyes
not even a little second
he was always a boy
and now the boy i want to marry some day, we are making great progress
and im so happy for that
but i feel so helpless rn
like why is life so hard on him rn
im having urges, i hate this bs
(btw if you're gonna say shit about him being trans i will block you, so dont make stupid comments. its not needed)
im getting so sick of this all
nothing that i can do ig
exept for being there for him as much as i can
manic jackal
doing some research on how he can seem more masc:)
manic jackal
he appriciated it:)
happy that i took some time for that
its the least i could do tbh
still feeling shit, and having urges and my friends arent talking to me, so ig il just go to sleep soon
manic jackal
i wonder if people really read my rants
lost briar
i wonder if people really read my rants
I came by to see, I'm glad you did something good for him
manic jackal
I came by to see, I'm glad you did something good for him
yeah he's going through some shit, and its effecting our relationship. so im trying to help him as much as i mentally can (sometimes i do more). i would ofc also do this much if it didnt effect it at all
thanks for reading it btw haha
lost briar
thanks for reading it btw haha
Oh ofc! ^w^
lost briar
yeah he's going through some shit, and its effecting our relationship. so im try...
You have a lot going on, make sure that while you take care of others you take good care of yourself and your well-being too!
Of course he's your SO and I presume the most important part of your life, but remember that you need breaks and care too
manic jackal
You have a lot going on, make sure that while you take care of others you take g...
ehh other people make me happy, i have no idea how to help myself. so i prefer to try and help people so that they feel better, because if they feel better i also feel a little better
lost briar
Yeah.. I relate to that feeling. Whenever I try to tell other's what's wrong, it doesn't really come out any coherent way, but making others feel better helps for some reason. You're doing good
manic jackal
Yeah.. I relate to that feeling. Whenever I try to tell other's what's wrong, it...
yeah definitely!
manic jackal
wow, he asked me how i was i said ''i could be better, what about you'' he read that and just went ofline💀
gotta love his twisted mind😭
im gathering my motivation to go on a walk in a few
i gotta dress up though
il probably just wear some jeans and a t-shirt
but yeah:))
manic jackal
Pretty:))
manic jackal
he just brought up the date again
may 14..
its draining the fuck out of mee
and he is definitely set on that day
idk why and idc
but i cant take this
its just so draining to think that my bf might be ||dead|| on may 15
lost briar
That is a horrible thing to make you go through. Especially if it's such a 'faraway' thing, that you're gonna have to sit and wait for what feels like eternities to happen, and watching on with nothing to do about it.
you may have to make clear to them just how much of a toll it is taking on you, and if you genuinely think that you can't handle it, then.. you might find the best approach in leaving
manic jackal
you may have to make clear to them just how much of a toll it is taking on you, ...
yeah ive tried to tell him, but what if he stops opening up at all. and tbh it really alot, but i also cant leave. i love him to much and then he would definitely do it fr
manic jackal
i wanted to write my heart out in a poem about the date yk
but it turns in what if he does it
May 14th, a date I dread
A day I never want to see
For on this day, my heart will shred
And my soul will cease to be
It started like any other morning
The sun shining bright and clear
But with each passing hour, I feel torn
As the clock ticks, my biggest fear
For on this day, years ago
I lost someone I held dear
My heart still aches, my tears still flow
As I remember that day with fear
The memories flood my mind
Of laughter, love, and joy
But now, all I can find
Is sadness, pain, and a void
Oh, how I wish I could turn back time
And change the events of that day
But it's just a wish, a futile climb
For life doesn't work that way
I try to distract myself
But the pain lingers on
I put on a smile, but it's just a shelf
To hide the sorrow that's never gone
I wish I could skip this day
And wake up on May 15th
But I know I must face the fray
And let my heart slowly knit
For though this day I never want
It holds a lesson so true
To cherish each moment, every jaunt
For life is a fleeting view
So on this day, I'll light a candle
And say a prayer for the one I miss
For though they're gone, their love still handles
The pain, the sorrow, the abyss
May 14th, a day I'll never forget
But I'll learn to live with the pain
For though I'll never want to relive it
It's a reminder to love again.
it turned out good, but God it was hard to make
life is getting to much again:)
im on day 22 of staying clean i realy want to get to day 30
but God is really testing me this week man
i nearly relapsed like 4 times, and the thoughts are to much
but oh well, gotta keep pushing:)
lost briar
yeah ive tried to tell him, but what if he stops opening up at all. and tbh it r...
People often talk about it as a way to ask for attention- Not that that doesn't mean he's at risk or not actually considering it, but it's clearly very hard on you. And if he does it, then either way you will think 'What if I had done something different, how could I have made a better choice', etc. etc. It is horrible of him to put you through this.
It is a dreadful thing to do to someone you love.
lost briar
im on day 22 of staying clean i realy want to get to day 30
Stay strong. It's only 8 more days, you've nearly done 3 times that so far. You're gonna be okay
manic jackal
People often talk about it as a way to ask for attention- Not that that doesn't ...
sure it is, but i could not care less how much of a red flag it is in some people eyes. if he does this for atention then there is definitely something wrong
i just wish that i didnt knew a date
its eating me up alive
manic jackal
Stay strong. It's only 8 more days, you've nearly done 3 times that so far. You'...
yeah but i know that it wont be done after 8 days
i would just set higher goals, and i dont think that im capebel of doing that
lost briar
That's why you remain steadfast, and take it one day at a time. Today is the only day you'll have to stay clean, and tomorrow- you do the same
Focus on what you're doing right now, and not on the pile of days that have yet to come
lost briar
sure it is, but i could not care less how much of a red flag it is in some peopl...
I'm not saying that those thoughts are always something that should be a cause for leaving. But from what you say, it would be something to consider, as it seems like it's been taking its toll for quite a long time, and you are at your wit's end concerning what to do about it. At which point, it is a valid thing to think about
manic jackal
I'm not saying that those thoughts are always something that should be a cause f...
sure it might be valid to think about it, but it would not solve anything for him nor for me
i would be even more consernd, and it would lead to even more ''what if'' in my mind
i dont think its the best idea for the both of us
i can understand how it can work for some people, but i dont think that it would work for me
manic jackal
Focus on what you're doing right now, and not on the pile of days that have yet ...
yeah im really trying that, but its like a never ending cycle. and knowing that that cycle will be for the rest of my life is making me even more fucked
we where talking about the future again, how we would meet, how our children would be called, his dream job etc
i really thought that it was all going to b okey
lost briar
For now, there's no certain way to know how it's gonna go.. Maybe, making the most of your time with him will make him reconsider. The more calm and happiness goes into his (though honestly both of your lives) the better. But again, this is a lot to ask if you have your own demons to battle with at the same time
Either way, if you're gonna stay for certain, then trying to spend the time you do have well, and enjoying it, would be a good thing no matter which way it goes
manic jackal
For now, there's no certain way to know how it's gonna go.. Maybe, making the mo...
i always try that, and he luckily isnt as distant anymore. i put away my own feelings for a moment. but yeah today i first told him that i wasnt feeling grea and he ignored it. so il just keep pushing it all away, the conversations are getting back to how they once where so im really happy about that
manic jackal
Either way, if you're gonna stay for certain, then trying to spend the time you ...
yeah im really trying to do that, but idk its hard with the thought in the back of my mind
lost briar
No doubt that it's hard asf
And I commend you for staying so strong throughout it
It really, really shows how much he means to you, and I can hardly imagine the anxiety having a set 'date' must cause
My thoughts are with you
manic jackal
It really, really shows how much he means to you, and I can hardly imagine the a...
yeah sometimes i wished i didnt know anything about a date
but im also happy that i do know it for some reason
its hard to explain
manic jackal
My thoughts are with you
thank you<3
lost briar
Of course <3
I really do pray everything goes well
manic jackal
having this feeling of a lump in my throat
it sucks
omg-
i cant do this bs
not now
il just cry fr now
from happiness and sadness
im telling you God is testing me so bad rn
manic jackal
OMG MY FRIEND IS BUYING THE VINLY FOR ME
I WILL HAVE THE FULL COLLECTION THN
THEN
ALTHOUGH I RLLY WANT THEM ALL AGAIN, SINCE SOME ARE DAMMAGED HAHA
manic jackal
i just had a walk with a close friend of me for 2,5 hours
and i just kinda vented to her about the situation with my bf
she gave me such good advice, and i will definitely use it:)
manic jackal
He is starting to open up, hes saying that everybody is better of without him. While im definitely not, i cant imagine s life without him, and if i can its not a great life. I hate that he thinks like this, idk how to prove that im not better of without him nor is is family and friends
manic jackal
Yesterday i made fake tattoos
3 butterflys for the butterfly project
Under the butterflys it states "you with me" in Billie her handwriting
manic jackal
omg
i reposted a tt saying ''if your clean im proud and if your not il be proud anyway''
and now my friend asked me if i had to tell her something
but idk what to do
im kinda freaking out
she just said something about her getting mad
so im confused and scared
okey she believed the lie
im not going to trauma dump her😍
we have been getting close, but im not telling her this yet
warm otter
Hey sophie, I read a bit of the backlog (or more skimmed).
I'm sorry to hear this.... usually I would advice little tolerance to a partner threatening doing this to themselves. It's toxic, drains your energy in an attempt to fill up theirs, it's manipulative, etc. I still feel these things are true, and I don't think you or any other should stay in a relationship as a means to prevent/delay anyone doing this to themselves.
I can't really read the full backlog, but if he sounds very very intent on this day..... Well, there are things you could do to physically prevent this. At least here in the states, there are psych hospitals that take in people (without their consent, mostly) where they wouldn't be able to act this out. They have counseling services to try to change their outlooks on this, which can work, depending on the person and their experiences. But if someone is dead set on something, and has been for a long time, and you're aware it likely won't change regardless of anything, there isn't much you or anyone else can do to actually change this situation. And I can understand allowing someone to make this choice.
If you do know that regardless of anything it will happen, it's important to cherish every moment and make the most of them all, which ik you said earlier. Again people can only do so much to change someone's mind, if they are dead set on it, nobody should feel at fault or feel any guilt, because they truly are not at fault and they couldn't of changed it regardless of anything. When people have a loved one in hospice, people tend to start processing things before they happen, and act out everything they wished to say before the time comes. Your situation doesn't sound all too different, there are silver linings to knowing this all in advance.
I was at a crisis hotline for a while. If you want, let me know a time on the ||14th or 15th||, and I can set aside some time then for if you want someone to talk to. You can always ping me, but I get way too many pings in this discord to ever see them all, so feel free to prod me with a DM.
Wishing you both the best
warm otter
He is starting to open up, hes saying that everybody is better of without him. W...
okay I wrote that before I saw this, progress!! :D
do you know his family? his friends? ways to contact them all?
if so, you could have a little intervention of sorts. everyone getting together telling him how much he means to them, and showing how they're better off with him
just be aware, trying to 'prove' things to people who are set in their ways, no matter how good your argument is, how strong your evidence, how abundant your proof.. sometimes it won't work, regardless of it all.
warm otter
okey she believed the lie
rrrrr lying? from a person with a cross in their name? :)
she obviously asked for a reason. she's your friend, and she doesn't have a reason to ask except for being there for you and to support you
manic jackal
okay I wrote that before I saw this, progress!! :D
do you know his family? his f...
I dont know anyone thats close to him, however i me and my friend are planning on getting in contact with them
manic jackal
rrrrr lying? from a person with a cross in their name? :)
she obviously asked fo...
Yeah, even people with a cross in there names lie sometimes🙃. It was for her own good in this situation, ive told her to talk irl with me if she wants more story
warm otter
Yeah, even people with a cross in there names lie sometimes🙃. It was for her ow...
🙂 yeah I lie wayy more than I would like, so I am not one to judge :p
i kinda doubt the 'for her own good' part :/
warm otter
I dont know anyone thats close to him, however i me and my friend are planning o...
great!! :D that's a great thing to do, hope everything goes well!!!
manic jackal
i kinda doubt the 'for her own good' part :/
Eh it kinda is, but i will talk with her later ab it:)
manic jackal
great!! :D that's a great thing to do, hope everything goes well!!!
Yeah thank you! I just found his mom insta, his mom doesnt know about me but i think il first try to contact a friend and as last resort his mom
manic jackal
What is it with people keeping their gfs secret ‘-‘
No idea😭
Well he isnt allouwed to date or anything, and his friends know about me. But we are long distance:)
manic jackal
well i confronted him, it didnt go great. i told him that if he didnt get help then il fix it for him
he got all mad and shit
he had said some pretty hurtfull things
apperantly im just as bad as his toxic ex bestfriend
and im just like the rest
i didnt listen to him
etc
im trying to forget it, since he probably didnt mean it. but yeah that hurted haha
he told me that it was for attention, and he will get help
so thats good
im happy that i did this, but yeah pretty hurt
i told him to stop messaging me because it went from ''your the same as name toxic bitch'' to ''i love you'' so i told him to stop before i lash out on him, and we just ended it. he told me that he still loved me etc
i fucking hate this
ny friend was dedicated to not isolate myself
so she started talking to me
and im feeling much better rn:)
(we got some tea)
which is funny af
i love her, we are getting closer again and i love that
(i dont love love her)
but she made field hockey fun for me again
lost briar
i told him to stop messaging me because it went from ''your the same as *name to...
I will stand by what I said before, textbook red flags and very, very dangerous toxic behavior. I know prior I was more questioning about it, but I read here daily now and it just- is horrible to see what he puts you through.
manic jackal
I will stand by what I said before, textbook red flags and very, very dangerous ...
Yeah tbh i dont need to know how you think that hes "toxic"
If you think that he is then okey?
But i dont really care tbh
I honestly have more information then you atm, and sure you might think that hes a red flag. But tbh hes everything ive ever wanted from a boyfriend. Sure hes broken and shit. And sure hes not perfect, but so am i🤷
He is improving himself, sure he might have been a red flag before. But he sees what he does wrong and tries to improve
random furnace
you really are a good partner, for understanding his troubles and ignoring his flaws, there are truly no icks when you are in love, and i think this is a perfect demonstration of that, good job sophie, i like the way this story is heading :)
im not justifying being an asshole or anything, but as you said, if he said sorry and he's trying to be better than thats enough
manic jackal
you really are a good partner, for understanding his troubles and ignoring his f...
Thank you, im really trying my best! I also really like how its going.
Same but if he changes himself then its fine tbh. We all have bad times and bad sides
warm otter
Is this your first bf?
warm otter
well i confronted him, it didnt go great. i told him that if he didnt get help t...
I am glad :)
warm otter
apperantly im just as bad as his toxic ex bestfriend
Yeah, it sounds like what he said was pretty hurtful.
What did this toxic ex friend do to him??
.... was it say hurtful stuff to him then go back to being best friends??
:b
warm otter
i told him to stop messaging me because it went from ''your the same as *name to...
I do think it’s pretty responsible to handle it this way. Stopping communication when he gets this way. Not only for your sake, but also behavioral psychologists call this ‘extinction’, meaning giving no response to negative behavior.
Effective and non problem causing
warm otter
he told me that it was for attention, and he will get help
Well I suppose it’s good that he realizes this, and that he intends to improve
manic jackal
Is this your first bf?
Yep
manic jackal
.... was it say hurtful stuff to him then go back to being best friends??
Not only say, his friend used to ||sh|| if he my bf did something wrong and would then proceed to show him. that kind of stuff..
manic jackal
Well I suppose it’s good that he realizes this, and that he intends to improve
Yeah definitely!
manic jackal
Yeah, it's very apparent
Why's that🥲
warm otter
:), it's pretty obvious (at least to me) when a person is in their first relationship, but the "it's everything I've ever wanted in a boyfriend" which made me ask
manic jackal
:), it's pretty obvious (at least to me) when a person is in their first relatio...
Eh ive had intrest in other people but it was never serious😭,but yeah i can see how that made it obvious haha
warm otter
because I bet what you want in a bf/partner, is more or less what a bf/partner essentially is :p
I think it's good that you realize that people are worthy of love when they are far from their best. It is much much better than the alternative
manic jackal
because I bet what you want in a bf/partner, is more or less what a bf/partner e...
There is a big change for that yeah😭
manic jackal
I think it's good that you realize that people are worthy of love when they are ...
Yeah i personally think its stupid when people exepct other people to be perfect, when litarly no one is🤷
warm otter
but it doesn't mean we are constantly in a state to be in a relationship, and some behavior isn't healthy. and It's really hard to see in your first relationship. I think it's the reason @lost briar voiced his concerns, it's because (not to speak for them, but I can speak for me) we've been there, done that.
And personally, spent way too long doing this. and have been both the person who was in a relationship when I was not in a state for one, and dated people who were not in states for one
I'm not trying to convince you to break up with him per se, but I do think it's important to note some behaviors are not healthy in a relationship, and there are things a partner can do that burns the bridge forever
warm otter
Yeah i personally think its stupid when people exepct other people to be perfect...
Yeah, most people have red flags. People aren't always at their best. When people expect their partner to be perfect/, they're more in love with their ideal partner, the one in their head. And when they date someone, they are confusing their actual human partner for the ideal one in their head. Like if you were to confuse two different people. And it's really tough for the one who'se idealized too. Because they're being yelled at and criticized even not when they do something wrong, but when they aren't the person they're confused with
manic jackal
I get what you mean, but hes improving and trying his best haha. Thats tbh all that matters to me, he is an amazing guy with some flaws. And i know that if i would break up now, that that wont help me nor him
warm otter
( I think the movie vertigo highlights this perfectly, not confusing your partner with an ideal imaginary person, but when you're in love with someone because they remind you of someone else and you confuse the two and want them to be the other person )
manic jackal
( I think the movie vertigo highlights this perfectly, not confusing your partne...
Yeah i get what you mean
warm otter
I get what you mean, but hes improving and trying his best haha. Thats tbh all t...
I was in your shoes once, and I am very well aware there could be nothing anyone here or anything even your friends can say that would change your mind on this :p
So I am glad he's improving, I'm glad he's putting his best foot forward. I truly hope everything does end up good for you two
manic jackal
They cant really, especially since i feel like they only hear half of the story and not the full story yk.
I also really do, i guess that we will see:)
lost briar
but it doesn't mean we are constantly in a state to be in a relationship, and so...
Not quite me who wrote that, but I agree. Been there, done that. And you bring your thoughts across well I might add.
Since Sophie already displayed her disregard for our take on things, however, I respectfully withdraw from the convo. Though I'll say this much:
Sorry if we came across the wrong way, I'm sure Ari didn't mean to disrespect you or your boyfriend in any way. So I apologize on that behalf, and I do genuinely wish that you and your boyfriend settle and make it. When I was back at that age, I didn't let anyone 'berate' me about these things either, I know that much. So if it works out, it works out, and if not you get burned and learn from it. Still I wish the best for both of you, I mean that. Kind regards.
manic jackal
Not quite me who wrote that, but I agree. Been there, done that. And you bring y...
Omg first of, im so sorry for my response. So many things happend that day, and i was just done and drained. That was why my reaction was like that, so im very sorry for taking that out on you.
Ari? Thank you really:)
I get what you both mean, but i know that for me breaking up wont make me nor him better. It wont be better for the both of us atm, but i totally get what you guys mean and i apriciate your guys concerns, but yeah i feel like going away wont help
lost briar
Omg first of, im so sorry for my response. So many things happend that day, and ...
I get that, and it's alright. We all have bad days! Ari will be relieved to hear, I'm sure.
I saw you're christian too, by the way; Would you mind if I include you in my prayers today?
manic jackal
I get that, and it's alright. We all have bad days! Ari will be relieved to hear...
One question, what has Ari to do with this😅.
Yeah i am, ive been looking faith though, but im trying to come back:) i would not mind at all, thank you it means alot that you want to do that!
lost briar
One question, what has Ari to do with this😅.
Yeah i am, ive been looking faith ...
Oh, I'm sorry, she wrote the original message that was talked about. We have DID, so the best way to let others know who they're talking to we found is just changing the profile every time someone else is 'in charge', so it currently looks like I wrote it- when it was just on this account.
manic jackal
Oh, I'm sorry, she wrote the original message that was talked about. We have DID...
Ohhh thats cool! I didn't know that you had DID haha
lost briar
Ohhh thats cool! I didn't know that you had DID haha
That's okay, we try not to make a big outward deal about it, at least no more than is necessary!
And I'll pray for you then, I find it a nice way to do some good for someone.
manic jackal
That's okay, we try not to make a big outward deal about it, at least no more th...
I totally get that!
Thank you i really appreciate that
warm otter
Not quite me who wrote that, but I agree. Been there, done that. And you bring y...
ty :) I've done things like this for years now so practice makes perfect heh
and yeah, when it looks like the whole world is against your relationship and thinks you should break up, just understand that they've been in relationships. They've had a first relationship, they've been madly in love, and they've felt the exact same way about someone that you feel about him. Their wisdom is backed by experience
I'll try not to harp on about it, because yeah no convincing could have done it for me and I know it won't for anyone else. And as long as that's true I'm aware it's not helpful
rrrr frick I had something i was gonna say and I think it was important but forgot :/
warm otter
They cant really, especially since i feel like they only hear half of the story ...
oh yeah, then what is the full story then? :)
manic jackal
oh yeah, then what is the full story then? :)
Well i tend to tell the bad things that happen, but thats such a small procentage of what happens, most of the times its just us being us and its awesome. It was mostly me being worried what hurted, and he could not do much about it
manic jackal
And he has autism+pretty bad anxiety, which explains the lack of communication
warm otter
Yeah. Luckily communication is an acquired skill, and I’ve seen huge improvements in autistic folk who get enough of it :)
manic jackal
Yeah. Luckily communication is an acquired skill, and I’ve seen huge improvement...
Yeah im trying to help him with that, but its hard sometimes haha. But we are getting there:)
manic jackal
okey its curently 00:35 am, i have a hockey game tomorrow, i need to wake up at atleast 11 am (i will wake up at 8 probably) and im tired but hyper
i should just try to sleep
omg i hate ''ok'' so much idk why
it just feels so dry
and like ''im annoyed with you rn''
anyways
imma sleep:p
hihi
warm otter
Good luck on your game!!
manic jackal
Good luck on your game!!
Thank you!
My whole body hurts rn🥲
I really hope that it will stop once i warm up💀
manic jackal
We lost the match (0-1) we are now placed second🥲
@steel sail
knotty grove
We lost the match (0-1) we are now placed second🥲
<@687734718128848987>
Rip
Come back stronger tmw
0-1 means ur defense was good but offense was bad
manic jackal
0-1 means ur defense was good but offense was bad
Thank you😌 (im defender)
manic jackal
Come back stronger tmw
I wont have a game for 5 weeks now😞
knotty grove
Thank you😌 (im defender)
W defender
manic jackal
Something that my bf had been saying to me, i didn't get why or what he meant. But its his favorite singer, and its such a beautiful song
manic jackal
But do ur best after 5 weeks
I definitely will
manic jackal
Pain
Definitely, hockey is something that just takes shit of my mind, so it sucks that i wont have that for some time
knotty grove
Gtg my frnd came
manic jackal
Gtg my frnd came
Okeyy
knotty grove
I definitely will
Yayy
manic jackal
Im so f*ing happy
Oehh what happend??
knotty grove
Oehh what happend??
Dm
manic jackal
im so tired, and my legs hurt like shit
but i wont sleep because
i have no reason actually
i just want to stay up:)
warm otter
I wont have a game for 5 weeks now😞
Five weeks?? Long time
Hopefully recreational or practice games in the meantime?
manic jackal
Hopefully recreational or practice games in the meantime?
nope, only normal practice which sucks
manic jackal
i just want to stay up:)
nvm imma sleep, im tired af and my thoughts are to bad👍🏼
manic jackal
im still up
because
my friend texted me
and idk
now il jus sleep because omg
i really need a better sleep scedule
OMG WAIT
I DONT HAVE PE THIS WEEK
YEEY
best day of my life
(sad ass life)
oh yeah
i think that im autistic
ive heard it alot
and ive shown some signs
but it doesnt bother me, so i wont get it tested. but its fun haha
manic jackal
I just went with my aunt, my mom, my sister, and the gf of my aunt to get some icecream. It was amazing!
This is a song my bf has been saying to me, i didn't get why or what he meant. But its a song text of his favorite artist, i already loved the song. But now i love it even more, its kn repeat in my head haha
im today 28 days clean:)
it has been hard af, but just 2 more days untill my goal
im so happy that i made it!
manic jackal
My mind is alot to handle atm again, im so tired of it all
This just all sucks
Ive been dealing with shit my whole life, and when i was 11 i was ||suicidal|| im so scared that that will happen again.
I see all my friends going down pretty bad and fast
No idea how to help them, while keeping myself safe
And i just have so many questions, like did i really get ||abused|| or was it just discipline? And was i really in that bad of a state? And why dont i remember much of my childhood?
manic jackal
for some reason ||suicide|| had been on my mind more then i would like to admit, and its like full plans. i dont want to do it, but for some reason my brain still makes a whole plan, idk why. but im really scared that this will result in me wanting to do it
idk why
cinder garden
Just drop the class
manic jackal
Just drop the class
the class?
OHH
i cant rn
i will once i can, but yeah
(french still haunts me)
BUT SHE IS ON VACAY FOR LIKE 3 WEEKS NOW
manic jackal
im trying not to cry rn, nobody is still availeble to text or they just arent responding to me🥲
omg the way that its so beautifull but so scary
its so far away, so its less scary but idk
its still freaking me out
manic jackal
a poem that i made about being clean from ||sh|| but still having urges:)
I am clean from the scars that once adorned my skin,
But the urges still linger, waiting to begin.
The memories of pain, etched into my mind,
A constant reminder of the struggles I have left behind.
I've fought the battles, I've won the war,
But the battle within still rages, wanting more.
The temptation to give in, to feel that release,
It's a constant struggle, a never-ending beast.
The scars have healed, but the wounds remain,
A constant reminder of the past, a lingering stain.
I try to move on, to leave it all behind,
But the urges still haunt me, they never seem to mind.
I've tried to bury them deep, to push them away,
But they always come back, stronger each day.
I've learned to cope, to find healthier ways,
But the urges are persistent, they never cease to sway.
I am clean from self-harm, but the battle still rages on,
A never-ending war that I must remain strong.
I may have won the battle, but the war is not over,
The urges still linger, a constant reminder of the pain I've endured.
But I am determined, to not let them win,
To keep fighting, to not give in.
I am stronger now, with each passing day,
And I won't let the urges have their way.
So I'll keep fighting, with all that I have,
To stay clean and strong, to never look back.
And though the urges may never truly go away,
I'll stand tall and proud, for I am clean from self-harm today.
my english teacher found out that i made poems, she wanted to see them🥲
i didnt let her though, i just told her that my feelings are in it haha
i feel like everybody is ignoring me tonight which is amazingg
my bf left me on read (ouch)
and my friend just ignores me:p
i told him that i was terrified of the thunder
and he left me on read
:((
pain fr🥲
well he responded way to late though
but its better then nothing
manic jackal
Today im 30 days clean:)
dense compass
Today im 30 days clean:)
From what
dense compass
im trying not to cry rn, nobody is still availeble to text or they just arent re...
I told u u could hmu
I gotchu
dense compass
for some reason ||suicide|| had been on my mind more then i would like to admit,...
I’d suggest try distracting urself from suicide thoughts. Don’t focus on the negatives Stay positive with everyone including urself and everything because things get better within time. Everyday won’t be a good day but everyday also won’t be a bad day that’s just life. If everyday was always a good day then you’d have Nothing to look forward to. And there’s people that really love and care about u trust me on that a lot of people would be saddened if u done something to urself. Just keep pushing ur self to better cuz there’s always room for improvement and the better u get the better things will come at u just never give up
manic jackal
I told u u could hmu
Yeah but i wanted to text with a friend, not really just a random person😅
manic jackal
I’d suggest try distracting urself from suicide thoughts. Don’t focus on the neg...
Like i said, i dont want to actually die, and tbh since around July everyday has been a shit day. So yeah
manic jackal
What’s that
Self harm
dense compass
Yeah but i wanted to text with a friend, not really just a random person😅
Oh mb
dense compass
Like i said, i dont want to actually die, and tbh since around July everyday has...
Things get better with time don’t ever give up and just keep going
manic jackal
Things get better with time don’t ever give up and just keep going
Yeah im trying
manic jackal
U only have 1 life here anyway
Ig
manic jackal
What do u gain from it?
A little happiness
dense compass
A little happiness
U get happy hurting urself?
manic jackal
U get happy hurting urself?
Yeah
dense compass
I don’t think u should do that
manic jackal
It makes me feel better
manic jackal
I don’t think u should do that
No shit🥲
dense compass
Even if it makes u better it can cause worse problems
Try staying away from that
If u have the urge of doing so text me
manic jackal
Im trying🙃
dense compass
Great
manic jackal
If u have the urge of doing so text me
Ehh, we'll see
manic jackal
im slowely losing my mind rn
how amazing
anyways im 30 days clean now officail
so thats good
but yeah
manic jackal
the way that my relation is ''one step forward and three steps back'' atm
he doesnt update me on his life
he cant run a normal conversation
if i want a good conversation i have to flirt with him
manic jackal
How amazing
My friend now also wants to kill herself
It seems like a never ending cycle
Im shaking pretty hard rn
Ugh
It just stressed me all put
I just finished that with my bf and now my friend
Why do people have to suffer this hard?
gentle reef
Im loving life👍
it will be okay love, you got this!
manic jackal
it will be okay love, you got this!
ehh, im not to sure about that
gentle reef
it will eventually be ok maybe not rn
manic jackal
||suicide|| has been comming in my head more and more
but we will push through haha
manic jackal
it will eventually be ok maybe not rn
lets hope so:)
gentle reef
hey if it does ever get to that point again and you are thinking of that drop me a dm love or ping me i will be here to listen
manic jackal
hey if it does ever get to that point again and you are thinking of that drop me...
thank you, i will keep it in mind🫂
gentle reef
thank you, i will keep it in mind🫂
no problems love! 
dense compass
but we will push through haha
Don’t ever stop that
manic jackal
Today is the day of the school tournament
Im exited but also nervous, but mostly exited!
manic jackal
Don’t ever stop that
I will try:)
dense compass
I will try:)
Ik u don’t know me but I’m willing to do wtv I can to help u so just hmu for wtv u need I gotchu
If ur not comfrtoable cuz u don’t know me we can get to know each other
manic jackal
Ik u don’t know me but I’m willing to do wtv I can to help u so just hmu for wtv...
Not sure how other people can help yk, but thank you!
dense compass
Not sure how other people can help yk, but thank you!
I can support u and give u good advice but it’s ur call
Ur welcome any time
manic jackal
I can support u and give u good advice but it’s ur call
Thanks i will keep it in mind!
dense compass
Thanks i will keep it in mind!
No problem
manic jackal
In an hour i will have my first game✌️
manic jackal
We lost the first game (7-2)
manic jackal
We won the second game!! (5-2)
manic jackal
I just got a new phone!!
dense compass
We lost the first game (7-2)
Soccer?
dense compass
Nope field hockey
That’s cool
manic jackal
That’s cool
Yeah!
manic jackal
U should try basketball sometime
I already did, didn't rlly like it
dense compass
Damn
manic jackal
Ieuw men are discustinf
I was just biking, and some dude said "hey hunny"🤢
Like get tf away from me😭
manic jackal
My dad told me that I could get a nose piercing
I have a feeding that I can also get a yes from my mom
Ive been thinking about it a lot haha
manic jackal
OMG I MIGHT JUST GOT A GREAT OPPERTUNITY FOR MY ART
I might collaborate with a music artist for their cover, I'm currently in the 'try outs'
But that alone is exiting!
manic jackal
HOPING THATD WORK WELL
IKR IM REALLY HOPING THAT I WILL GO THROUGH
im curently telling my friend how to come out to her friends and family👍🏼
whole ridge
IKR IM REALLY HOPING THAT I WILL GO THROUGH
DWW OF COURSE U WILL. EVEN IF YOU DONT, THERES ALWAYS OTHER CHANCES YK!
BUT GOD IT IS COOL YOU GOT THAT.
manic jackal
DWW OF COURSE U WILL. EVEN IF YOU DONT, THERES ALWAYS OTHER CHANCES YK!
YEAHH, THATS TRUE. BUT OMG IM JUST SO EXITED FOR THIS
but like i dont really know how/what
because i work with shadings
and not as much with colours
so i might have to ask my bf on how to work with then haha
whole ridge
im curently telling my friend how to come out to her friends and family👍🏼
Oooo, i hope it goes well for them toooo!
ALSO GOODJOB!
manic jackal
Oooo, i hope it goes well for them toooo!
yeahh same! its scary for her, since her friends are all straight, and her family is christian yk. and my friend group is gay as hell, and my aunt is also gay so my family accepts that all
whole ridge
but like i dont really know how/what
Oh I don'tt either, I don't know like anything in that area😭
whole ridge
so i might have to ask my bf on how to work with then haha
MHMM!
JUST BE POSITIVE FR! YOU CAN DO THIS DW
manic jackal
Oh I don'tt either, I don't know like anything in that area😭
i do haha, but i still need to get the details on what the music artist wants!
manic jackal
JUST BE POSITIVE FR! YOU CAN DO THIS DW
postive isnt my strongest side, be negitive so you wont get disepointed!
whole ridge
yeahh same! its scary for her, since her friends are all straight, and her famil...
Woah that is a lot😭
Im sure it'll be fine for her though! As long that it makes her happy, it's goodd!
manic jackal
Woah that is a lot😭
Im sure it'll be fine for her though! As long that it makes...
yeah it really is haha, but i have a feeling that they will be fine with it all!
whole ridge
postive isnt my strongest side, be negitive so you wont get disepointed!
Understandable! But if you'd be negative, you might not put your best at what you're doing!
Thereforee
POSITIVE YESSS !!
NEGATIVE NOO!!
manic jackal
Understandable! But if you'd be negative, you might not put your best at what yo...
i definitely will do it either way!
but yk i dont have my hopes up to hugh
high*
whole ridge
yeah it really is haha, but i have a feeling that they will be fine with it all!
Hopefullyy!
whole ridge
but yk i dont have my hopes up to hugh
That's understandablee
whole ridge
Can't waitt!
manic jackal
(the artist has left me on read)
manic jackal
i will probably wait today, to see and oherwise il ask for the details
whole ridge
DW THEYRE PROBABLY JUST SLEEPING OR SMTH!
manic jackal
DW THEYRE PROBABLY JUST SLEEPING OR SMTH!
yeah, but its kinda unprofesional to keep your ''artists'' on read
especially if you still need to work with them haha
whole ridge
Lmfaoo yeah😭
manic jackal
oh well
ill just wait untill like idk tomorrow evening, and then il ask them myself! no big deal
manic jackal
My dad just called me fat again👍
Fucking amazing
Im not even fat or anything, but omg him saying that makes me insecure af
manic jackal
my bf got annoyed that i wear a metallica shirt while not being fan
didnt knew that it was that deep😭
I just wanted to make a conversation about dianna, and he shut it down so fast ugh
that hurted ngl
whole ridge
My dad just called me fat again👍
That really sucks dude, you don't deserve that. I don't know why he would say that but he shouldn't!
manic jackal
yeah in the past ive talked to him about this, but he wont shut up ab it
whole ridge
I apologize, I forgot to watch the last episode of the journey of my life by Sophia
manic jackal
I apologize, I forgot to watch the last episode of the journey of my life by Sop...
what?
manic jackal
its to late for my brain to work
manic jackal
I'm invested in this, it's like a book
damn haha
OMG WAIT I FORGET OT TELL THIS
IM GETTING GIRL IN PIECES FOR MY B-DAY
whole ridge
yeah in the past ive talked to him about this, but he wont shut up ab it
Aw I'm really sorry for that. Really, there's no reason he'd say that
manic jackal
(my bf told me that i wasnt allouwed to read it)
whole ridge
IM GETTING GIRL IN PIECES FOR MY B-DAY
WHAT IS THAT
manic jackal
(imma read it anyways, because im stupid)
whole ridge
LMFAOO
manic jackal
WHAT IS THAT
basically a book, about a girl thats falling appart
with ||suicidal thoughts, and sh|| etc
but yeah
manic jackal
my bf is concerned that i will get worse
imma update him after every chaper
(i wont stop reading if i do get worse)
whole ridge
(Now I wanna read it too)
manic jackal
DONT READ THAT!
oh well
manic jackal
(Now I wanna read it too)
LETS READ IT TOGETHER
whole ridge
LETS READ IT TOGETHER
HELL YEAH.
whole ridge
I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.
whole ridge
IT SOUNDS REALLYY INTERESTING.
manic jackal
(i will gaslisght myself)
whole ridge
LMFAOO
manic jackal
i know myself to good
manic jackal
Can't wait fr
i will probably forget
whole ridge
One day you should make a book out of this journey
The journey os Sophia
TO THE SOPHI N BACK
PERFECT NAME.
manic jackal
The journey os Sophia
its sophie
whole ridge
its sophie<:Sadge:816438620470771713>
Oh
manic jackal
One day you should make a book out of this journey
nahh, my life isnt intresting at all
whole ridge
i will probably forget<:PeepoSad:816438620692676617>
That's finee
manic jackal
the way that i dont even tell everything here
whole ridge
nahh, my life isnt intresting at all
By now, they are
manic jackal
omg
whole ridge
the way that i dont even tell everything here
That's actually sad
manic jackal
By now, they are
i just tell the intresting stuff
manic jackal
That's actually sad
why
whole ridge
i just tell the intresting stuff
Everything is interesting with the right demographicc
manic jackal
like today i realised (because of my bf) that im not getting better, and thats just my mind gaslighting me
whole ridge
Well, if you don't think about feeling bad then you won't feel bad. Maybe you weren't gaslighting urself and you were justt
manic jackal
But maybe it'll help
yeah it was my intention to do so haha, but idk just some things that feel to real if i write them down ig
manic jackal
Well, if you don't think about feeling bad then you won't feel bad. Maybe you we...
thats not how it works
i wish
whole ridge
yeah it was my intention to do so haha, but idk just some things that feel to re...
Your choice! Do whatever makes you happier
whole ridge
thats not how it works<:kekW:827640385069121627>
Or does it now
manic jackal
damn
manic jackal
I ALSO DONT KNOW
manic jackal
but i have a feeling that im a little depressed ngl
but my parents think that im fine
and how tf do i tell them that im not
whole ridge
and how tf do i tell them that im not<:cat_cry:1193080421496397835>
Maybe try getting a therapist or something?
After that, you could just tell your mom or dad that you're not feeling well
manic jackal
Maybe try getting a therapist or something?
yeah but id have to tell my parents about stuff
whole ridge
If they ask what's wrong, spill it out
If they don't, well idk what to do in that case
manic jackal
After that, you could just tell your mom or dad that you're not feeling well
nope i have to tell them first, im to young to do it bymyself
whole ridge
yeah but id have to tell my parents about stuff
Is that a bad thing?
manic jackal
If they ask what's wrong, spill it out
and traumatize my parents more? nah ah
whole ridge
and traumatize my parents more? nah ah
Maybee they'll be happier if you tell them how you feel
Because communication
Is the key!
manic jackal
when i was 9/10 i was ||suicidal|| told my parents, and i will never forget my moms face nor my dads words
whole ridge
(I watch too many shows, send help)
manic jackal
(I watch too many shows, send help)
i can see that😭
manic jackal
Maybee they'll be happier if you tell them how you feel
uhmm, with my thoughts? no
but yeah
id have to tell them
since i really am getting worse
whole ridge
when i was 9/10 i was ||suicidal|| told my parents, and i will never forget my m...
Well, do you want to talk about it?
If it'll help?
manic jackal
Well, do you want to talk about it?
not much to talk about ig haha, thats what happend:)
manic jackal
I'm really sorry for that dude. If you feel like that again
its fine, its part of the circle:)
whole ridge
Take long breaths
Please I feel like a movie side character rn
I watch too many movies
manic jackal
Go outside and breathh
did that, doesnt really work sadly. but beautifull nature ngl
whole ridge
I'm starting to copy dialogs
manic jackal
Please I feel like a movie side character rn
im here for it ngl
whole ridge
😭
manic jackal
(thats me everytime i have a fight with my friend)
whole ridge
did that, doesnt really work sadly. but beautifull nature ngl
I don't know how to help with that. But did you try sitting down with someone and talking about it?
manic jackal
I don't know how to help with that. But did you try sitting down with someone an...
not really, i wont burden my friends with it haha
wow my mind is realiseng some stuff i didnt send in here
whole ridge
not really, i wont burden my friends with it haha
They're your friends. Yk friendships aren't just all ups without downs, if someone is your friend then they're obligated to be there for you! That's friendships
Toystory type of paragraph.
manic jackal
They're your friends. Yk friendships aren't just all ups without downs, if someo...
yeah but i wont tell them that my mind is making ||suicide|| plans
whole ridge
Well, you just told me!
manic jackal
because we already have a chick like that in our gc (she does it most likely for attention)
whole ridge
That's SOME progress, right?
manic jackal
Well, you just told me!
yeah but your not a friend yk (dont take it personal
)
whole ridge
Also, you don't need to tell them about specific plans. Talk to them about how you feel, maybe it will help!
manic jackal
That's SOME progress, right?
i can easly tell people im not as close with it
manic jackal
Also, you don't need to tell them about specific plans. Talk to them about how y...
i tried to, but i just cant
i feel like a burden, they also have their own problems
my head hurts
SHIT I FORGOT TO STUDY FOR FRENCH
ugh
i will keep this pfp btw, since its slaying
today i had a family b-day of my friend (i was there for emotional support) and we kinda just talked about the girl saying some messed up shit. like she puts so much presure on my other friend its so sad to see
Scars and Shadows
The blade once held my trembling hand,
A cruel solace in a broken land.
But now, the urges linger deep,
A whisper in my darkest keep.
The scars remain, a silent plea,
A testament to pain I've seen.
They mark the battles I have fought,
The wounds that still have not been brought.
Though clean from harm, the urges rise,
A siren's call in my heart's disguise.
I fight them back with all my might,
But shadows dance in darkest night.
The urge to cut, to feel the pain,
To purge the demons that remain.
It's a craving I cannot deny,
A hunger that I must defy.
I grip my hands, I clench my teeth,
I summon strength from every breath.
The shadows may linger, the urges may roam,
But I am stronger than my broken home.
I will not yield to their embrace,
I will find solace in a brighter place.
I will heal these wounds, both old and new,
And find a peace that's strong and true.
The scars may fade, the shadows may flee,
But the memory of my struggle will set me free.
For in the darkness, I found my light,
And in my scars, I found my fight.
.
a poem ive been working on:)
manic jackal
omg its curently 00:00
should i sleep
yes
but
am i going to?
uhm
maybe?
i have to get up at 7
so like 7 hours of sleep
that sounds like enough if not to much
il just sleep, i have a long day (6hours) tomorrow
6 HOURS IS LIED HAHA
ITS JUST 4 OFFICIAL
SINCE THE FIRST HOUR ISNT THERE AND THE 5TH HOUR ALSO FELL OUT
OMG
damn i just found out why a full circle is 360 degrees and not 100
good that i stayed up
otherwise i would have missed that life changing info
manic jackal
Rearranged my shelf😌
(The rest of the shelves are filled with my Harry Potter obsession😌)
north iris
such a loyal christian for reminding u that 😌
manic jackal
such a loyal christian for reminding u that 😌
💀
north iris
like
manic jackal
And then trying to let my cheat, such a good cristian💀
north iris
rightt
manic jackal
Anyways
I've been clean for 36 days now just 9 more to make my goal!
Can't believe that I made it this far ngl
It's getting easier each day😊
manic jackal
keep going pls
I definitely will!
gentle reef
I definitely will!
how you doing today love?
manic jackal
how you doing today love?
not the best but its alr, thank you for asking!!
how are you??
gentle reef
not the best but its alr, thank you for asking!!
how are you??
if you wanna talk about it im always here for you, and im doing alright :)
manic jackal
if you wanna talk about it im always here for you, and im doing alright :)
thank you i appreciate it! i was about to go to sleep though, to escape the thoughts yk haha.
im glad to hear that!!
gentle reef
thank you i appreciate it! i was about to go to sleep though, to escape the thou...
night love!
manic jackal
night love!
thank you!
manic jackal
My head is starting to think about ||suicide more and more|| im scared of myself atm
And i want to talk about it with close friends, but i dont want to pressure them
Some think that im getting better
I cant ruin rhat
manic jackal
For some reason i know how, and everything
Its scary af
Anyways im sick😞
I also had a test today that i didn't study for🥰
manic jackal
oh shit
i have a french test fridat
friday
i studdied a little
but def not enough
manic jackal
When my man wants me to talk to someone ab my problems, but i honstely just want to talk to him about it. But he never tried to dive into my problems
gentle reef
hihi sophie just checking in how you doing love?
manic jackal
hihi sophie just checking in how you doing love?
Hey hey, not great. What about you?
gentle reef
Hey hey, not great. What about you?
oh im sorry to hear that love, anything i can do to help?
manic jackal
oh im sorry to hear that love, anything i can do to help?
Not really, just the thought eating me up haha
It's alr
How are you??
gentle reef
Not really, just the thought eating me up haha
you know where we are if you ever need to rant :)
gentle reef
How are you??
im doing okay love
manic jackal
you know where we are if you ever need to rant :)
Thank you🫂
manic jackal
im doing okay love
I'm really glad to hear that!
gentle reef
Thank you🫂
anytime love
manic jackal
Last school day before my holiday
I might just go sick home, I have been doing that for the past 3 days now. Its more because I just can't take it mentally
manic jackal
MY FRIEND SAW A CUTE BOY AND SHE ASLED THE TEACHER FROM WHAT CLASS HE WAS?!😭
OMG WE HAD SEND HIM A MESSAGES ON TEAMS💀
Imagine that they get together😭
manic jackal
This bitch is pissing me of omg
manic jackal
Today is kingsday! So everybody wears orange haha. I will go to a friend to do some preparations for tomorrow (her birthday party) and then we will go to the city for the activitys
manic jackal
life has been a rollercoaster my god
manic jackal
Mind you she did that in an argument💀
today i talked with this bitch, but idk if i should believe her story
i feel like shit
my batery has ran out 5 hrs ago
but i cant sleep
i also just feel like shit
so thats great
manic jackal
i just talked to an amazing person
for some reason the venting didnt feel like venting
it felt like a normal conversation which i kinda loved!
she slowely went over everything, even if i didnt want to talk about it at first she just asked me if it was alr to talk about it
idk it just felt so safe imidiatly
manic jackal
Ugh ik by my grandparents for weeks and I can't handle this bs
I'm the the verge of a breakdown and I still have to be here 2 weeks
manic jackal
Fuck I'm just so tired of everything ngl
manic jackal
I GOT TICKETS TO BILLIE EILISH
manic jackal
I GOT TICKETS TO BILLIE EILISH
Honestly this tour might save me...
It will make me live until atleast 5 may 2025
manic jackal
My friend just told me that I might get whine from France of her😭💀
manic jackal
today is the 4th of may, the dat that the netherlands became free of the germans in WW||
so todat at 20:00 (8pm) we will have 2 minutes of silence, thats 2 minutes that our whole country drops what they are doing to stop and think about the people that have died for our country and have died to keep others save
manic jackal
I'm feeling like shit today
I'm just super stressed, and when I think about the cause I feel a presure on my ribcage
Which causes me to breath abnormal
manic jackal
got a masive headace today
i think that its from stress mostly
it sucks since i cant controll the thing i stress about but i also cant stop the stress
but yeah i guess il have to live with it for a few days
manic jackal
fuck im like shaking rn
my boyfriend has a lot of shit on his mind rn
so ive just been there for him
he was watching the eurovision, and he got dissepointed with who won
and i just said like ''oh yeah the're high notes where impressive''
and he felt like attacked or something, and threw words to my head that pretty hurted me
but now he's ofline
he has said sorry but yeah it hurts because he knows that i would never be the things that he called me
no matter what
and yeah it hurted pretty bad, so im shocked and honestly a little scared that he can even see me as that
when i said that to me i was honestly nearly crying, i also started to shake, i was so scared that it would become something big
jees
orchid scroll
and he felt like attacked or something, and threw words to my head that pretty h...
yeah that isnt acceptable
id try to talk to him if i were you
manic jackal
yeah that isnt acceptable
Yeah be bas said sorry thiugh
manic jackal
today i went shoping with my mom for my birthday suplies, and i got things in like unicorn theme. it was first just as a joke but for some reason i really just wanted to ig to feel like a little child again haha
but now y birthday party will be unicorn themed😭
orchid scroll
whens ur birthday?
manic jackal
whens ur birthday?
May 19
manic jackal
Worry about yourself baby il be good, i just want to die in peace tonight
Currently laying on my ground haha
Honestly its pretty good ngl
The thoughts are loud at thoufh
So that sucks
Wow a listener just started to vent to me
I hate it
Idk what it is, but a lot of people just vent to me
I guess i have that energy without doing anything
I hate it though, i wish that i could just vent
hearty cape
Wow a listener just started to vent to me
Sorry to hear that. I don't know why people can't at least ask first
Did you let them know that you were uncomfortable with being vent to?
manic jackal
Did you let them know that you were uncomfortable with being vent to?
No, they seemed to need it. But yeah I already had enough on my mind
But it's alr ig, it just sucks that this happens pretty often
hearty cape
But it's alr ig, it just sucks that this happens pretty often
If those are your boundaries, that shouldn't be alright for future reference.
There's other options here besides you, but, I understand
hearty cape
manic jackal
Tomorrow is the day, and my anxiety is already through the roof. What if what he said was a lie... his parents+councler know though. But omg
What if he didn't want me to worry which kfz didn't work
But how will I survive that day
Fuck
I can't do this ngl
orchid scroll
Tomorrow is the day, and my anxiety is already through the roof. What if what he...
what is the day
manic jackal
what is the day
The day that my bf had planned a suicide and idk if he still is planning it..
orchid scroll
damn
warm otter
lmfao
the Bible CLEARLY FORBIDS THIS
heyyyyyyyy be unfaithful
( first part is still very true )
manic jackal
lmfao
> the Bible CLEARLY FORBIDS THIS
> heyyyyyyyy be unfaithful
For real i laughed a little
warm otter
Sorry, I forgot about this discord. I was looking at the date today and knew it was important.... then I remembered
manic jackal
( first part is still very true )
Definitely, but that wasn't great advice when i was nearly relapsing😭
warm otter
what happened?
manic jackal
Sorry, I forgot about this discord. I was looking at the date today and knew it ...
Damn my journal is important??
warm otter
( if you want to talk about it )
manic jackal
what happened?
That was like a month ago (i think)
I relapsed yesterday though (on accident kinda💀)
So there goes my 50 something day💀🎀
warm otter
yeah it's been a hot minute I got real busy
manic jackal
yeah it's been a hot minute I got real busy
Its alr haha, im honestly surprised that you think that this is important haha
warm otter
I relapsed yesterday though (on accident kinda💀)
well, it sends that 50 back to 0, which is very discouraging, but what it indeed does NOT do is send your progress back to 0. being clean for 50 days is still a very impressive feat, and the dedication behind that does not dissappear because of one relapse, and neither does the progress
one step back, 50 steps forward
manic jackal
well, it sends that 50 back to 0, which is very discouraging, but what it indeed...
Uhm yeah, wasn't really planning on going further with the streak though😭
I only kept it because my ego was to big to ruin the 50 days🎀
I need some serious help💀
warm otter
Its alr haha, im honestly surprised that you think that this is important haha
well, it is. how could it not be?
i understand around this time in your life things will likely be pretty dang tough ™️
manic jackal
well, it is. how could it not be?
Well, its a life of a Stranger haha
warm otter
and?
manic jackal
i understand around this time in your life things will likely be pretty dang tou...
Yep, hopefully today will be the last day of the torture of stress and pressure
So il have only myself to focus on
manic jackal
and?
Well, i dont get how someone can find the life of a Stranger that important haha
But i appreciate it:)
warm otter
Well, i dont get how someone can find the life of a Stranger that important haha
yes you can :b
manic jackal
yes you can :b
Okey haha
warm otter
the world seems so uncaring and cruel. and while some are, the vast majority is the type to care and help
warm otter
Yep, hopefully today will be the last day of the torture of stress and pressure
well, torture is bad yes, it going away would be good
manic jackal
the world seems so uncaring and cruel. and while some are, the vast majority is ...
Yeah thats true
manic jackal
well, torture is bad yes, it going away would be good
Definitely, it would stop a lot of the stress and hopefully some of the thoughts
warm otter
how have you been handling today?
manic jackal
how have you been handling today?
Honestly im pretty surprised with myself, it was like any other day but better? I honestly was just like "i cant do anything about it so let it go" i was still anxious ofc but not to bad
Every message i got was scary though
warm otter
Today is kingsday! So everybody wears orange haha. I will go to a friend to do s...
fun fact: the reason carrots are orange is because they were bred to be orange for kingsday
( sorry scrolling through backlog looking for highlights )
manic jackal
fun fact: the reason carrots are orange is because they were bred to be orange f...
Are you for real?! Damn
(i dont mind i appreciate you actually reading it haha:)
warm otter
he has said sorry but yeah it hurts because he knows that i would never be the t...
yeah, he's not in a state/place for a relationship
and that isn't healthy
warm otter
Yeah be bas said sorry thiugh
sorry means "i realize what i did was bad and I will try wholeheartedly to improve" :b
manic jackal
and that isn't healthy
Ive also sometimes said some stupid shit out of emotions haha
manic jackal
Yeah be bas said sorry thiugh
Damn i was high here or something (ive never done drugs dont worry🥰)
manic jackal
sorry means "i realize what i did was bad and I will try wholeheartedly to impro...
Thats great:p
warm otter
okay im back to the present
manic jackal
Okey haha that was fast
warm otter
Honestly im pretty surprised with myself, it was like any other day but better? ...
:) that is good, I am glad
manic jackal
Yeah!
warm otter
Every message i got was scary though
:/ is it something you want to talk about rn?
manic jackal
Oh yeah today i univited a girl from my birthday party i was done with her🥰
manic jackal
:/ is it something you want to talk about rn?
What do you mean?
Ohhh
No haha i just meant that every notification was scary because what if i get a goodbye
warm otter
Oh yeah today i univited a girl from my birthday party i was done with her🥰
GOOD getting rid of sources of toxicity is great
manic jackal
yeah I could imagine :/
Yeah didn't get that though, and we have 2 more hours left
(Of the day)
manic jackal
GOOD getting rid of sources of toxicity is great
Yess
warm otter
Yeah didn't get that though, and we have 2 more hours left
this is good!!
manic jackal
Yestday i talked with a friend and omg she's amazing, she's funny af
I cried because of my donkey laugh
In a good way
manic jackal
this is good!!
Yeah! Really hope that i dont get one later haha
23:59 would be a real nummer💀
Bummer
warm otter
Yestday i talked with a friend and omg she's amazing, she's funny af
that's good!! good friends and people in our lives are such an asset
manic jackal
that's good!! good friends and people in our lives are such an asset
Definitely! I sadly dont see her a lot though
She's 2 years older then me so we a re in different classes and she does different things then me, so we go on walks like once or twice a week
warm otter
that's good!!
manic jackal
Yeah!
warm otter
gives me memories of right after school, I'd do that a lot
warm otter
Yeah! Really hope that i dont get one later haha
well, you're 11/12ths the way through the day
manic jackal
On school days i walk at least 10000 steps😭
manic jackal
well, you're 11/12ths the way through the day
Yeah!
warm otter
or rather, 44,000/48,000 if that seems more impressive :p
manic jackal
or rather, 44,000/48,000 if that seems more impressive :p
That definitely seems better😭
warm otter
Walks are honestly the best thing
they are, at least personally my brain doesn't function right if I'm not doing something active that second
running for me is meditation with my feet, it gets my brain in a good state
manic jackal
running for me is meditation with my feet, it gets my brain in a good state
I totally get what you mean! Thats me with field hockey and walks (and also running😭)
manic jackal
they are, at least personally my brain doesn't function right if I'm not doing s...
I feel this one way to much haha, sadly its getting to hot for me to be active all the time
warm otter
yeah, I'm glad you have that, wish I was still on a sports team
manic jackal
yeah, I'm glad you have that, wish I was still on a sports team
Why Arent you?
warm otter
I feel this one way to much haha, sadly its getting to hot for me to be active a...
heh the heat is what gets me out of my daily running habits, every year
manic jackal
heh the heat is what gets me out of my daily running habits, every year
Damn, thats impressive haha. For me its the cold that takes me outside
warm otter
Why Arent you?
i was on the track and wrestling teams in high school. my community college just has like, basketball and baseball, which are not what I have any gifts in :p
oh yeah I love the cold it always makes me active
the heat kills any activity
manic jackal
i was on the track and wrestling teams in high school. my community college just...
Ahh, why not do it just for a sports team?
manic jackal
the heat kills any activity
For reall
warm otter
oh like outside of school? I could probably find one for running, didn't think of that tbh
manic jackal
oh like outside of school? I could probably find one for running, didn't think o...
Yeah! Sounds like a good idea:)
warm otter
I'll lyk how that goes (:
manic jackal
I'll lyk how that goes (:
Oehh definitely do!
Now that im talking here i remember that i didn't tell a lot of whats happening😭
I mostly told the depressed parts💀
Slay🎀
warm otter
a whole person/life is hard to capture with a few internet messages :b
manic jackal
Yeah, but i havent told big parts of it😭
warm otter
go on then :D
manic jackal
Like i had my first application
Job application
I got rejected today though💀
Gonna try some more jobs
My friend got me 0,0 alcohol wine for my birthday💀
I got some good grades of school back
I got into stupid fights with a "friend"
Im starting to drop her thoufh
warm otter
My friend got me 0,0 alcohol wine for my birthday💀
KID WINE kid wine is fr so good
manic jackal
And im probably forgetting a lot😭
warm otter
I havent drank in like well over 1,000 days at this point
0% alcohol wine always tasted better tho
manic jackal
KID WINE kid wine is fr so good
Its not called kid wine here, now it sounds less cool😞
manic jackal
I havent drank in like well over 1,000 days at this point
Damn
I got my first shot on new years eve😭
Tastes good though
9/10
warm otter
Gonna try some more jobs
yeah, plenty out there. apply to tons, then you get to pick from the ones that accept you
manic jackal
yeah, plenty out there. apply to tons, then you get to pick from the ones that a...
Cant do a lot because of my age haha
warm otter
Im starting to drop her thoufh
GOOD
warm otter
I got some good grades of school back
always nice :)
warm otter
Its not called kid wine here, now it sounds less cool😞
heh :P that's just what my family has always called it
its so good though tbh it objectively tastes better
manic jackal
heh :P that's just what my family has always called it
It still doesnt sound as cool now though haha
manic jackal
My friend thats older to me would get me some real alcohol once i ask though💀
She even asked me one time😭
manic jackal
1,235 days (just checked)
Thats amazing!
warm otter
It still doesnt sound as cool now though haha
well what also doesn't sound cool is being the drunk parent whose kids are embarrassed to be out in public with. so don't drink kids :P
manic jackal
I also heard this beautiful Quote 'life is like a dick, sometimes its hard but it never stays hard' idk why but i love that😭
warm otter
heh
manic jackal
well what also doesn't sound cool is being the drunk parent whose kids are embar...
Ngl that moment was very funny and a core memory for me😭
But i never talked about being drunk
warm otter
everything is temporary.. even if something will last for 5 years. it's temporary. its days are numbered and it too shall pass
manic jackal
(that was part of the deal though)
manic jackal
everything is temporary.. even if something will last for 5 years. it's temporar...
Yeah, lets hope so!
warm otter
well I know so :P
manic jackal
That doesnt go for everybody though:)
warm otter
what you are going through will not last, and in the end of the day is such a small part of your life
manic jackal
Eh its part of childhood though and teen life, which good ruiend
Thats probably the thing i hate most about all this
warm otter
something that lasts 4 years. lets say you live 80 years. that's only 5% of your life, a really insignificant small part in the end of it
life is SO MUCH MORE than what is in your immediate to even mid term visioon
manic jackal
something that lasts 4 years. lets say you live 80 years. that's only 5% of your...
Not really 4 years, its been going on for 5 now, and its only getting worse
warm otter
alright, 5.5% of your life
manic jackal
Yeah but childhood
The most important part of life
Ruiend because of covid
Because of toxic friends
Because of parents who thought that hitting a child is called discipline
warm otter
ah yeah, iirc you were a few years younger than me, yeah that really screwed you guys much worse than it did i
manic jackal
Yep:) got basically suicidal at 9 wich is sad af if i think about it
My sis will turn 9 next year and im honestly scared for her
warm otter
:/
manic jackal
Yep
manic jackal
There are a lot of warning signs for me already, like she hits herself and when we ask why she says "its because i deserve it" and that scares me
But oh well
warm otter
( i am assuming )
manic jackal
you didn't have an older sister, right?
Nope im first child
warm otter
so she has you
manic jackal
Yeah
warm otter
which is something you never had
manic jackal
Yep
warm otter
soo. she has an advantage. family and someone who will care for her unconditionally and in a healthy way
manic jackal
Yep!
warm otter
:)
manic jackal
But yeah still worried for her
warm otter
There are a lot of warning signs for me already, like she hits herself and when ...
I don't like the sound of this either though :/
manic jackal
Yeah i know
warm otter
yeah.... does she have good friends?
manic jackal
She does
manic jackal
( besides u, her wonderful sister ofc )
Eh i wish i was more wonderfull though
warm otter
how/why so?
manic jackal
Im not around that much, im mostly in my bedroom. And the other times i do see her im mostly just annoyed
But we have our bonding times
warm otter
bonding times are good, what do you two do together :)
manic jackal
We baked cookies last time!
manic jackal
im jealous i always wanted a sibling
They can be... Nice..
warm otter
heh