How do I cope with my gf leaving me?

[azure goblet]

Right so its good that you see that you have a problem, Most people usually think they're fine.

Why do you think you have an alcohol problem? Is it stemming from a past experience or current one?

You gotta understand why you're doing a harmful activity before being able to stop it (which i assume you want to do)

So what exactly is the alcohol abuse causing? Is it making you act in malicious ways towards her? what is it causing you to do

Cus its not the alcohol, its the actions after the alcohol right?

thats causing your gf to be bothered by it

Yeah, Now not to be a dick but you can see how that would be unpleasant for someone whos supposed to be your partner yk?

Its easier for you to sit down and chug alcohol than to sit down with your feelings and change how you feel about the traumatic incident, or even move past it

can i just ask how your alcohol intake was before the incident?

did it get worse after what happened or was it always like this

Now obviously , its easier said than done, but you need to confront the issue at hand which is your traumatic experience that you're keeping bottled up

(You're going to t herapy soon which is a good thing and should be proud of yourself)

The focus isnt the drinking

This might sound a lil harsh, but you know how people say you need to work on yourself and fix your issues before you get into relationships?

They say that because when you have certain issues , some of those can effect the significant other and ruin what could potentially be a very good thing for you,

Now IMO, im not a therapist or anything, but to make your life easier i think its best to take a break to work on yourself so you're not harming anyone around you emotionally,

i 100% understand that its upsetting and depressing that shes leaving you right now, but like you said you understand why right? Until you get your therapy done, and learn how to overcome that drinking issue through therapy, and overcome the trauma you endured or at least feel a little bettert about it,

I think its best to postpone the relationship for now if shes willing to do so

Thats another one too

would you say you are dependant on others ?

I noticed a lot of your issues come from internal things at their base, its not because of external things

example being the trauma you endured, and another being You not being able to be on your own

Thats an urge you're going to get for a lot of things, but you cant fall into it

whenever you get those urges, just think about how the relationship would have turned out anyway (Sometimes its better to think about things logically)

lets say she listens to you when you beg her to stay, shes still gonna be unhappy and you're most likely not gonna change because shes still with you

Thats okay to feel that way, it is a scary thing, Someone leaving your life when you're used to it

But you gotta get to the root of why you feel that way, Do you feel like you wont survive on your own, and that you're not capable of anything on your own? Or is it something else

Ah , so t hats why shes so valuable and important to you, Shes the only one you trust

You dont think anyone else is as understanding and trustworthy as her , but AJ Im sure you know thats a lie, Im not telling you to move on but There are a BUNCH of people you havnt met who are going to understand you and your emtoions and be trustworthy

I think you have an issue with being vulnerable or just opening up in general no?

That is a possibility 100%

AJ if you dumb it down a little bit there are only three options

1. Ask her to stay and promise you'll change, but dont change at all causing her to leave later on
2. Ask her to stay and promise you'll change, and actually put the work in to change while with her
3. Ask her to wait for you and get ya shit together while she waits (which is very unlikely)

not to pressure you but what is the best options out of those

Then theres only one option right

#2

Change while you're still with her and promise that you will do so

now actually doing that and standing by it is another topic

doesnt need to be done in a day, but if you're honest and say you're flawed, its gonna take some time for you to get better and get rid of this problem, She should be pretty understanding about that

but then again thats up to you

You can go in baby steps

If you drink every day of the week, take small steps to get rid of the possibility of drinking

its not really about "having the willpower" to stop drinking

its about making it hard for you to drink

Sit with the thoughts for a while, and wonder if thats whats truly best for you and for her, and if you think it is and you're up to the task, then 100% call her and ask her to be patient with you

Have you promised her before? that youd stop drinking?

yeah thats a little tricky

cus when you make a promise you're basically holding the persons feelings and emotions in the palm of your hand

🤔

not to make this about me but this is a method i use whenever i want to stop doing certain activities

I just make it extremely hard to do t hose activities, The drinking im assuming is alsmost second nature to you , its kinda like you just pick up alcohol without thinking about it right?

Im assuming that helped right? Its a good method honestly

about the traumatic experience you endured? Do thoughts of those come back when you're sober

Right, you know when you do go to therapy eventually, you're going to have to think about that right? And sit with your thoughts, talk about it and just sit down and THINK

Numbing yourself to an issue isnt the best way to do it, If it was then therapy wouldnt even be a thing

Its gonna be hard, and you're going to cry and feel upset, but eventually you NEED t o sit down with those thoughts, whether its on your own or whether its with someone else (therapy)

Thats what humans need though

Its very uncomfortable doing that though i understand, Nobody wants to feel these negative emotions but feeling those negative emotions and sitting through them is what makes people understand why they feel the way they do, and sometimes even makes them move past the experience

does ur gf know about the trauma

thats good

Im assuming you vent about it to her already right

Yeah thats a bit tricky then

because i was gonna say you need to vocalise what happened to you but its probably best to just do it with a therapist

you've got everything bottled up inside

i think the more you talk about it and open up about it, the more of a push towards change you'll be able to have

Just remember though, its okay if you're not able to change immediately, things like this take time, and if that causes you to have to move away and break up with someone, thats okay too

In order for you to feel better about yourself and fix your issues, you genuinely need to only think about yourself, even if that sounds a little mean

Then you need to make a decision to do what you truly want

You dont want her to leave so that means you need to fix your issues WHILE you're with her, which is going to be hard and pressure filled because you got another person and a whole relationship depending on your change and also a time limit (which will probably add stress)

But if you seperate, you'll be able to take your time with it and feel no pressure with it either, legit the only person is you in the equation

Question though, Do you truly want to change, or do you want to change because you might lose something external

because its hard for us to genuinely change ourselves if it doesnt come from within

if thats the case then you need to take actionable steps for that, im sure you know what to do though like you said

a lot of people are only pushed by extreme measures, so maybe thats the case for you

maybe this is the time where it'll work because you know she'll leave for real this time

Il wish you luck on that, just remember to not be too hard on yourself , you suffered a lot and that was out of your control

take it step by step