#succumb

328 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

wide crypt
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I work till it makes me sick. Everything in my life is weighing heavy on me. I do not have friends as I stated I was asocial and don’t prefer them at all.

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Every year of my life has been slow and torturous in its own different variants. My depression or bad habits will never shape myself or who I am. I have felt weak in my past and that weight is on my shoulders. I wake up and have less feeling towards the world than the previous day. I am internally numb with every objective and goal in my life.

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My world is a stranded island as I stand in desperation of nutrients I am attempting to harvest in a Winter wasteland that the surface of the dirt is buried under snow.

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I idealize fantasies of my own death and accidents happening to me so I will be forcibly dragged through lessons of humility and learn how to appreciate the next breath I take for my life.

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Each day, my brain tosses and turns as it’s trapped in my skull while I try not to impulsively destroy my life from the experience of isolating and alienating boredom for the trillionth time I’ve felt it. Everything gets old to me. Everything is already dead to me. Everyone I see in this world is damaged.

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I feel most like myself and closest to who I am when I am being choked or hurt. When I am in pain I am growing to be bigger than that pain. The dull silence of this earth surrounds me as the love I don’t have others cannot be given to myself either.

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The only person I resent is myself for the weakness I’ve been to a coward towards in my past, unable to look at myself. When trying my hardest was still not good enough because it resulted in failure.

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No forgiveness for anything. I am only bitter. I am distasteful and rude. No love for myself or others.

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People who laugh with pride make me want to stop them from living. Any person who has ever gotten close to me has been profusely threatened and patronized to their core. There is nothing in this world that understands me which is fine. I would see a therapist but I don’t need someone telling me my feelings are somehow wrong, I don’t care how they’d validate me, my feelings and thinking is rational and I should act exactly how I want.

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Pride. Pride. Fucking vainglory. I wish anyone who has ever felt that crumbles.

north heart
wide crypt
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It’s nothing but chaos in return. A bunch of boasting that leads to nowhere. People who think they’re some sort of hot shit because they’ve gained a singular accomplishment in their life.

wide crypt
north heart
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its your choice

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not someone elses, since u wont listen

wide crypt
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I don’t operate from my ego like other people.

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I have no ego at all

north heart
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kk

wide crypt
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It depends who I’m listening to, if I can see that someone’s mentality consists of some intellect and reason… I am open-minded despite my sour attitude.

north heart
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what has your past been like? and significant negative events? bad care givers?

wide crypt
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The pride in others around me have destroyed everything I’ve ever created. They try too hard to impress people they don’t even like while being arrogant bastards that lack self confidence that they pretend to have.

wide crypt
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Scapegoated and ostracized by everybody. A black sheep. A strange, stranger. My parents did their best but they were avoidant of me and found any expression of emotions from me as pointless, useless, and annoying so they’d put any end to them.

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My father has struggled with alcoholism and was never emotionally there, he would only encourage high performance from me and anything less caused him to ignore me.

north heart
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are u able to experience empathy towards other people?

wide crypt
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I can turn it on and off

north heart
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how so?

wide crypt
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I can imagine what someone would want to hear in a moment of a distress and deliver that to them

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That doesn’t mean I will ever feel the same way

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Some days my emotional intelligence is very low because I am tired and no longer want to show that I give fucks that I actually never gave. Some days it’s very high and I can read people better than they are self aware of themselves because I have something to get out of it.

north heart
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i mean empathy as a feeling

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not as a rational construction

wide crypt
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I don’t feel what anyone else does when they are going through that emotion, if that’s what you’re asking.

north heart
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and u experience violent urges right?

wide crypt
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…Yes which is the edgiest thing to others by far. A great struggle of mine. I have my own coping strategies to prevent outbreaks of violence.

north heart
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well what you described here is obviously along the lines of ASPD and psychopathy, u can search the diagnosis yourself and how past trauma and bad childhood relates to it etc, choose to do what you want with it, either mange it all your life, enter therapy and try to rewire it, or do nothing at all

wide crypt
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It’s self preservation and self control.

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Well, I would hate to ever say that there is anything wrong with me. I’m aware of these traits I have but lack care for how they are categorized.

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I often tell people it’s just depression but there’s many contributors to my mindset. I was born without various emotions that others commonly experience and that makes me inherently lack some sort of compassion.

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Having “ASPD” on a case record would be a bad look in everyone’s eyes which is why I am here on this server like it’s my fucking personal hide-out.

north heart
wide crypt
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It would not help me gain anything to be labeled as such and others would make the presumption that I am manipulative and deceiving when that is not true. Everyone takes advantage of each other in their own ways whether they’d like to admit it or not.

north heart
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empathy has trouble evolving in a place where empathy isnt expressed

north heart
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i mean ask yourself, why reach out anyways

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either you disregard everything

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or seek help outside, your choice

wide crypt
wide crypt
north heart
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very very rarely is mental ilness somethig 100% genetical

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personality disorders litteraly cant be

wide crypt
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Whether I became that way or I was born without it, I never experienced certain emotions and feelings that were vital for the development of myself and how I absorb the world around me.

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The whole no empathy spiel… affects me far more than it will ever affect anybody else. No real care for myself. I just string along this corpse and take care of some body I never asked for.

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However… I highly favour myself and blame my negative feelings on everybody else because other people are mainly the causes of why I hate being here. I am trying to like people. I am trying to love people. I am trying to see the effect that my love has on others in hopes it will ignite something in me. When trying does not succeed, it is not good enough. It would be a waste.

north heart
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it can have an effect but unless you sort out your emotions a bit

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its not gonna go very far

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since your actions gonna be pretty fake

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like i said, enter therapy or stay in the same state choice is yours

wide crypt
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I don’t judge anybody but I also don’t forgive people. There’s only new people in my life and no one has ever stayed around.

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Therapists piss me off personally too. They smile at you like they just helped you when in reality they just defined your whole character off some fucking pseudoscience textbook. I am unsure what I can learn from them from exposing my thought process.

north heart
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have u ever been to one?

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sounds like ur just assuming

wide crypt
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A couple

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Some have admitted to being unable to help me so they’d refer me to another therapist.

north heart
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how qualified were they?

wide crypt
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One of them were one of the best psychologists known in my area. I originally went to therapy after a handful of ex girlfriends I had accused me of being a narcissist amongst other insults.

north heart
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and he passed on u too huh?

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if you got a clinical psychologist that would be the best

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phd guys with actual credentials

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but they have long waiting lists

wide crypt
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I remember telling him that I wanted him to shut up because he was wasting my time in one of our sessions.

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That humoured me a little. Our personalities really did not go well together.

north heart
wide crypt
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I suppose emotional guidance from them would be somewhat helpful.

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I always feel like people owe me shit, because all of their actions are so disappointing.

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Knowing that they don’t is a relief, but I still expect people to meet up to standards.

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They just never do.

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I never found the way I thought or felt as weird even though people can never relate. It all feels so normal and everyone else is foreign.

north heart
north heart
wide crypt
wide crypt
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The world has so much misery.

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Impended doom. Impending chaos. Impending destruction. We are all out of control of the world.

north heart
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its highly regulated

wide crypt
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Not to me.

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It’s not enough.

north heart
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but yes misery is the norm to most people

wide crypt
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There’s nothing I like about the norm other than what it can give me

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Most people are not… leaders.

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We need… leaders

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Everybody’s like some fucking cattle because they don’t actually change anything, no drive, no determination, no influence

north heart
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nah, leaders are mostly totalitarian, u need collective development of every individual, that will result in optimal functioning

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not few competent people creating a dichotomy of leader and follower

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people need to be independent

wide crypt
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Collective development can’t happen when most people lack self awareness

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People aren’t independent, that would be great if they were. It’s just not the reality.

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They blame their problems into everyone else and expect them to be solved.

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That’s what the misery is. The real pandemic.

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People may perceive me as pessimistic but I am an optimist.

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A realistic one, that isn’t all about fucking…. Rainbows and butterflies… sunshine and unicorns. Everyone matters!

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Some people follow in the footprints of anyone else and don’t think for themselves.

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I can’t tell the world to change. We must see people for how they really are and let them be.

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I agree with that. I don’t want to force anything out of someone that isn’t already natural.

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These so called, “cattle” pardon my French. We should give them a more humanizing name. These people, are meant to just follow society blindly.

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They are apart of a mass, a percentage, a sort of statistic that can help benefit a creator or leader. But these “cattle” will never be as great as the creators or leaders.

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They merely are, listeners.

north heart
wide crypt
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It’s good that I am nothing like them then

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You might as well go to everyone else and tell them not to be a hypocrite. For some reason you chose me.

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Even if I happened to be one, I am nothing alike, nothing to compare to these people.

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I am aware of my… inciting attitudes and my worldview which does not typically resonate with the comfort of others feelings.

north heart
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and ur just gonna sabotage yourself while trying to maintain some rationalized superiority

wide crypt
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I must blend with others as if I relate to every damn feeling they’ve ever had. That’s how people are.

sullen horizon
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what the actual fuck am i reading

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grinna whats ur opinion on iq

wide crypt
north heart
sullen horizon
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also thanks, its been getting better

wide crypt
north heart
sullen horizon
wide crypt
wide crypt
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I’ve never concerned myself with an IQ test.

north heart
sullen horizon
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really measure properl

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im a prime example of how it cant measure properly

north heart
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well of course pretty much nothing cant be measured fully accurately in the psych domain

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stuff is too complicated

sullen horizon
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fair enough

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it just tends to range radically different

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ive scored borderline intellectual disability and near-geniuys

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same test.

north heart
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or just random one on internet?

sullen horizon
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i dont remember what my actual test scores were from a professional, ill have to find them

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they were either low or avg tho

wide crypt
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Well, I don’t need a test to tell me if I’m smart or not. I just know I am, and no AI robot can define what that entails.

north heart
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did u have a breakdown during the testing the lower score?

sullen horizon
north heart
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it can be easily affected by high emotions

sullen horizon
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i barely try'd when they were testing me

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they asked me math, english, ect

north heart
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bruh xDDD

sullen horizon
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i aced the vocabulary section

north heart
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here u have your awnser

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if u didnt care then dont hate on the test

sullen horizon
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this is the dude who wanted to burn the world down and start anew

north heart
sullen horizon
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?

wide crypt
north heart
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nah i dont get it wdym

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which guy?

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when?

wide crypt
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Are you sure you’re not the one with ASPD kekW

sullen horizon
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it isnt

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there was some guye arlier with a very similiar username

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and pfp

north heart
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bro hell nah i would never be so cringe

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to romanticize burning some world down

sullen horizon
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but as tom said you should look into ASPD, you do seem to have traits but im not a professional

north heart
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bro wat xD

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ohh u mean grinna

sullen horizon
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yea

north heart
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yeah

wide crypt
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I used to start petty fires as a kid

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“Burn the world down…” you’ll need an asteroid maybe…

wide crypt
sullen horizon
wide crypt
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I like to be seen as compassionate, benevolent, and helpful. Being diagnosed with that would not be a good-look on the surface. I fully believe in living in your unapologetic self because that way you find people who truly love you. I just do not see how the diagnosis can help me. Maybe if I was constantly losing my job, but my biggest “problems” with these traits are just having no friends which I’m fine with.

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I’m good at pushing it all underneath the surface and hiding the way I think in person.

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Like I said… my attitude inside can be inciting and cause negative reactions from others.

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I just mask it all and it’s what I must do. It’s mandatory. It’s an obligation. It’s submitting to societal expectations just like how everyone else must. The world does not ultimately cater to anyone no matter who you are. Everyone has their own problems.

sullen horizon
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the diagnosis aids as it opens up new opportunities:

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therapies.
medications.
things that seek to your catering more.

wide crypt
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Being possibly called a, “sociopath” or “psychopath” would make people not want to trust me. I’ve already had people call me those things and discredit everything I say as deception because of how they think I am. There have been times I’ve slipped my attitude in real life and people did not like to hear the real me.

sullen horizon
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intelligence is not the thing that rules over this world and it won't be able to

sullen horizon
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your real friends friend you instead of these fake people

wide crypt
sullen horizon
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that label simply purges out others

wide crypt
sullen horizon
wide crypt
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But there are also different types of intelligences that is rooted in creativity and craftiness.

sullen horizon
wide crypt
sullen horizon
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intelligence isnt even really a "true" concept in a sense, as someone dumb as hell can still be the next thomas edison, it's environmental too

sullen horizon
wide crypt
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So… I choose to not really give a fuck at all. I have remained a lone wolf for majority of my life as edgy as it seems. I walk alone everywhere and don’t talk to anyone on a day-to-day basis.

sullen horizon
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you cannot hold yourself back simply by the possibility of no one, you are intelligent. you know theres a chance, and what do you have to lose?

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for example, i enjoy the way you type, i understand everything you say and it makes more sense to me then how generally others type.

wide crypt
sullen horizon
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thats due to the tendency of others not caring to type, or not understanding more, i'm not sure how to per say it but "advanced words"

wide crypt
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I’ve been unapologetically the real me, but that also intimidates the people who like me. The people who like me are not always willing to confront me or open to knowing me better.

sullen horizon
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i tend to use a form of broken english, where I use words such as presumption, but casual words at the same time.

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also people fear what they do not know, typing like that tends to make people believe you are trying to act smart, narcissitic, or simply egotistical

wide crypt
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I’ve been too used to energy emulators, people who are envious.

sullen horizon
wide crypt
wide crypt
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Well… we are all learning at our own pace. Intelligence is a constant growth. The more open you are to it, the more it will be invited in.

sullen horizon
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yes, environmental factors, intelligence just can range as some learn easier, more and faster then others.

wide crypt
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I can already name what some things about you are intelligent so far, like your curiosity and willingness to learn. Being an observant individual

sullen horizon
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what do you mean observant?

wide crypt
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You can examine a part of this journal and take it as informative to use it to understand

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You can utilize what is being given to you

sullen horizon
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fair enough

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im going ot go now.

wide crypt
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Have a good rest of your day

sullen horizon
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you too.

wide crypt
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72 hours, no sleep yet.

wide crypt
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Took a thirty minute nap. I have had a headache for weeks, possibly months. I dislike how loud others can be or when they choose to blabber at all in person because there’s not much of it I want to take before a migraine comes along.

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My mind is rather quiet. I don’t have troubles with my emotions but often my mindset privately.

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I brought alcohol to my ex girlfriends party tonight and this one person kept on drinking the whole fucking thing. I didn’t like them either.

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A bunch of stiff fucking plebs that couldn’t turn up.

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I’m hiding out in her bathroom, off some shitty edible that is sedating me.

wide crypt
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Everyone bores me in life. I’m going to talk about my substance use disorder.

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||I like to do drugs to take the edge off. I’ve abused variations of psychedelics and ecstasy. It satisfies me and my lack of dopamine and serotonin every day. I’ve cut back on doing drugs because I was getting pretty fucked up on them and I was looking extremely unhealthy.||

north heart
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which psychedelics u like

wide crypt
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People can’t give me a high like drugs could. I rely on these manufactured chemicals for an ounce of fucking excitement. Nothing ever really surprises me in life.

wide crypt
north heart
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how much?

wide crypt
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My dosages used to vary, I’d typically take between 4 grams to 9.

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I would take only around 3G if I’m trying out a new strain because they have different potencies

north heart
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cool

wide crypt
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I used to show up to school on them, at work on them, hanging out with people on them. I was never not high on something.

north heart
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i taken only like 15 smalls shrooms, i didnt weight it but i would assume it was around 1-2 grams?

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didnt rly have that much effect tbh, i was physically sick and had derealization after xd

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same with hhc

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kratom was kind of numbing tho

wide crypt
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I’ve done shrooms more times than I can count on my fingers and the trips I’ve had are mind-blowing.

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My first trip I took 7G, which was too much. I ended up throwing up after the end of it and I woke up with a red rash all over my body. I would feel waves of nausea wash over me days after it happened.

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I don’t regret any of it.

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I remember the first two hours of the trip I was uncontrollably laughing so hard that I was just… covered in my own sweat and tears.

north heart
wide crypt
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Reality shattering.

north heart
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btw dont censor anything lmao

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noone cares here

wide crypt
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I liked how it gave me a numbing tingling physical sensation that felt similar to morphine. The air around me felt like a warm silky embrace that was floating me down a river.

north heart
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iam planning on trying lsd, did u ever have it?

wide crypt
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I have and the visuals are less natural and more animated.

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It felt like I was moving in a cartoon.

north heart
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so mostly changes in perception? not really insight gaining?

wide crypt
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I would say so. It’s more of a party drug rather than a tool for gaining introspective awareness.

north heart
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okok

wide crypt
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I would like to try DMT and salvia but I haven’t found any dealers in my area that sell it

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My ego vanished my first shroom trip and never came back after that. Permanently.

north heart
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if u had no ego then there wouldnt be judgmenet xd

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which u do have

wide crypt
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I suppose, that would be a feeling of superiority over others at times because I find myself smarter than most. I do lack pride completely and actually can not feel it.

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People annoy me and it’s an easy way to escape reality.

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I am constantly searching for crevices in this world that I can fit myself into but I am always foreign. An alien.

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I’ve tried to find something that I actually value in people.

north heart
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do u like books or not?

wide crypt
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I do. I like reading more than talking to others.

north heart
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check out The stranger from camus

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r gonnna love that one xd

wide crypt
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Interesting. I did some research on it.

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“Meursault is a “stranger” and an absurdity to society because he does not show any emotions, he has no meaning for life, and his only certainty and guarantee is death.” The narrator does sound more nihilistic than me, but I don’t show emotions towards my life either or integrate them into my decisions and actions.

wide crypt
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I hate being that guy who everyone said turned to drugs instead of talking to somebody. Because those are the same people who didn’t even believe I could get sober.

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A bunch of fakes that just want to look like good people but never checked on me once to see how I was doing.

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I didn’t like them anyways but what is this constant effort that people try to make to act like they like each other?

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It’s like they can’t be honest.

north heart
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They just act And Its intuitive And rewarding

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U lack social emotions because of your diagnosis

wide crypt
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That may be true… yeah. Hm. That definitely made me see it a little differently.

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I still regret not saying fuck you to all of their faces. It’s like they want to be socially congratulated for pretending they give a shit about me.

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Especially this one girl who tried to control everyone’s opinion of me. Made jokes about doing the drugs I was in active addiction at the time. We had sex once because I have problems with being lustful to get what I want and it was terrible. She was forceful with me and didn’t let me breathe. Then I left early.

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I should’ve just coughed under my breath, “Fuck you” the last time I saw her but she still thinks I like her and that I even love her.

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She thinks I’m going to come back into her life… like no, you invited chaos into my life and the only quality you have is ignorance.

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She makes everything about herself, like a victim complex. Those type of people are the worst.

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After sex she also left me with the most terrible sickness ever. I contracted something from the bitch.

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My throat was so sore and my mouth was dry. It was feverish.

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I just know she’s pissed that I moved on from her in a second and finally caught onto her bullshit.

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I deleted the page from the book I sent in here because someone here can possibly know me from somewhere else.

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Never mentioning this chick again.

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I am finally clean, and these people are no longer in my life no matter how much they try to claim they know me and who I am.

wide crypt
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Late night shit

wide crypt
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Work today. Patient for the universe, letting myself be taken by the course of time. By releasing that I have no control of the world I accept what I do have control over.

north heart
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If you gravitate into such attitude

wide crypt
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I’m into both along with Hinduism, Daoism, and Paganism

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Doesn’t change the way I think unfortunately

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Increases optimism slightly

north heart
wide crypt
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I meditate

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Only helps clarity with the thoughts I already do have

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Lol

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Probably anything somebody can think of. I don’t get mentally ill people who wonder why they are depressed as fuck but don’t do anything new to pull themselves out of that

north heart
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thats at the casual level

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at the higher level it decreases predictive processing and allows you to interocept into your own mechenisms and have distance from your conceptualized self

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let me share a research paper with u

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go to science direct, and this is the paper - From many to (n)one: Meditation and the plasticity of the predictive mind E. Laukkonen a b, Heleen A. Slagter a b

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i cant type links here, for some unknowd retardet reason it isnt allowed

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bot will delete it

wide crypt
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I think about my own death a lot.

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I don’t enjoy enough in this world to want to be here.

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I know the pros of meditating and I’ve experienced the concept of wholeness and mindfulness.

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I’m somewhat left empty inside

wide crypt
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It’s possibly the end of my friendship… relationship… don’t know, don’t care what we’d call it with my ex girlfriend.

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She talks to herself when she’s with me and I just let her go on and on about whatever.

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If I say something she doesn’t like to hear, she’s yelling at me for the next week for sure.

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I’m not toxic back. I barely say anything. I let her scream and throw a tantrum until she’s done.

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I have absolutely no reaction to it.

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She’s like, “I have BPD. Im so attached to you still you’re all I want”

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I’m just nonchalant as fuck. Don’t really care.

wide crypt
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She’s sensitive and insensitive at the same time.

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Sometimes I’ll just leave her alone to yell at a wall. I come back and she loves me again and misses me.

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Oh well. I just try to catch her on the sunny days. Lmfao.

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I’m not trying to change the weather.

wide crypt
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I am hollow.

wide crypt
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Visited some family today. They acted like I was a stupid burden or something. Don’t know what’s going through their heads. Everyone’s so fucking lame.