Continuing on from this, it's also important to the story to know that I 'stealth', which is when trans ppl don't make it known to the world that they are 'trans' (which personally, i thought was a given since I transitioned at a time where I didn't hear much media or news coverage regarding it)
#i feel like i am a shell of my former self
ocean stump
I basically have never told anyone about it apart from family and selected individuals. Even my closer friends have no idea, mostly because my instincts are screaming not to since they may not be the most accepting individuals
I hate that it all renders down to this. I am a firm believer in the 'honesty is the best policy' statement and that I would prefer to fully open with someone that I am friends with but because of being transgender, I don't know if they will react weirdly, if they'll just bombard with personal questions regarding my genitalia or just straight up hatecrime me
It's just so fucking stupid. Why me? Literally, why me? Why was I the sucker that had to be born the wrong gender and then make all this effort, be pumped full of medication and drugs and therapy just so I can conform within the societal standards of being female. It is just so tiring and stupid
I feel great envy for those who don't have to worry about changing in front of their friends at sleepovers or having to speak to legal departments and tell them you've changed your legal name and gender on your given birth certificate or speaking to your allocated 'gender' therapist to talk about being transgender.
I am just so fucking sick of it. I could never see myself having a real future like this, in this charade. It disgusts me how reliant I am on the very system that has it out for me. Without the medication and injections that the state gives me, I would turn into some freak of nature with a deep voice and a large chest. All my independency was relinquished the moment I progressed through with this journey and I honestly just can't stand it anymore. My only life wish is to be independant, in my home decorated to fit my tastes and with my job
Yet this matter complicates my life much more than I ever could have anticipated as a ten year old
It just really sucks, you know? I don't think I could have a real relationship, platonic or romantic - whatever the circumstance may be. Aside from my horribly asinine personality, my gender is the biggest turn-off for any potential relationship since after all, not many people would want to be with someone like me.
I can never show my friends childhood photos or even look through them myself as they just make me so incredibly sad. I guess this could be why I am so nostalgic for my childhood. It truly was the best time of my life. I had no responsibilities, no worries about gender 'this-or-that'
The majority of my family accepted me for who I was and maybe this is a complete placebo effect but everyone and everything seemed brighter, shinier and beautiful
It was like as if I had rose-coloured glasses on as I graced through the hallways of my childhood home. Everything now is so grey and dull and lifeless. It's like everything went 2-dimensional if that would make sense. There's no life or colour or realism to anything anymore, just flat and bleak. I long and crave for my childhood so much, it hurts just to think about it.