lavish skiff
Last year in October, my then girlfriend broke up with me, she was my first girlfriend and I was 24 at the time. Being autistic, it’s been extremely hard to find any sort of connection with anyone. She was the first person to ever give me a chance. But after the break up, I realized I was only being used. For entire year, she basically used me as an emotional support dog. The moment she found friends, she let me go. In the last, weeks of the relationship, all she told me is that how her family thought she could do better, and that I wasn’t very memorable because my name was extremely generic, and that I cried too much for a man. I very much learned that I was in a very abusive relationship. Over the course of the past year we’ve talked many times, and all she could do is boast about how many guys she slept with, and how wonderful life has been. Towards the end of the year before my graduation, she called me, exclaiming, that she lost all of her friends due to reasons I wont disclose. This shaped a small dynamic for about a month or two. In June she invited me to a country music festival. Only to then berate me yet again, and exclaim how exotic she was and that she could get anyone she wanted. At this point, I felt completely helpless. Like I was in a perpetual Stockholm syndrome situation. My mom, seeing that I wasn’t able to let go naturally, stepped in, and told her to leave me alone. An overstep of her boundaries, yes, but a much needed action.
I was sad for a couple days at the prospect of not seeing her again, but eventually the rest of the summer got better. However, I feel like I have circled back to where I was before the relationship. I can’t help but look at all of my peers from high school and even my college class with distain. Seeing them get married, even having kids brings me a sorrow, I never knew. Seeing my roommate, leave to move to Seattle with his girlfriend. Kills me even more. I don’t want to be alone, I want to hold someone again. But even that is difficult, as for some reason, I am no longer attracted to anyone that doesn’t remotely resemble her. I feel like it’s mentally fucked up. That I can’t just look at someone new, they have to fit the look, energy, and vibe. I feel like my standards have been set for me and I just can’t let go.
Not only does this go into relationships, but it goes into life as well. I love where I live. Colorado has been my home all my life. For seven generations, my family has lived here. When I met her, I showed her places that were extremely intimate to me. Now all I see, is her going to those exact same places all the time. I haven’t returned home since the break up, as I am too afraid of running into her. I don’t go out, and I only go in the gym in the very early morning as to avoid her. Not only have I felt like I’ve needed to move, but I simultaneously feel like I am being pushed away out of my home. In all honesty the only way I feel like this would be fixed is if she left. To a completely other state, on the other side of the country. Just seeing her puts me in a state of panic. I’ve had to go to the doctor multiple times due to my heart rate. I can’t sleep, she’s in my dreams and my nightmares. And I don’t know what to do. I went to therapy for six months and my therapist abandoned me. I haven’t been able to find anyone else since. I’m lucky I graduated, so the chance of running into her is slim now. But with the semester starting back up and her returning to the school, and this town I feel like all of my anxiety has come back, and I just don’t know anymore.
I come here because I want to know if anyone else is ever had this issue, if anyone else has felt this anxiety to this extreme! I’m begging for someone to listen to me as everyone else in my life is tired of it. Thank you for reading.
hasty pendant
prisma yacht