#I messed up, but… TW. mentions of suicide

315 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lone vale
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A little backstory—
My boyfriend and I have dated for a year since January of last year. We are a long distance relationship and we fell inlove in less than a week—as if it was love at first sight. We were doing well before our current situation. Our situation right now is, ‘single’. I screwed up, I messed up as he stopped texting me so often. (I’m clingy, and I can’t let him go.)
Our relationship then was really healthy. We talked for full days, we texted for full days, replies were quick. We were both just as clingy to each other, and we would reply consistently to each other,
We’ve reached the peak of the relationship, the part where, we have stupid arguments, stupid breakups. The first time this happened was around January or May, I suspected that he acted somewhat odd, I told him he kind of changed. He denies this, and says that he never has, and then I sent him a tiktok of how he acted, he gets upset and says he wants to break up. I had mental breakdown, I begged for him back, he agreed to take me back. (I feel as if it’s his fault, for, I didn’t do anything.)
The second time, he upset me, and I was unsure if I should stay with him, he reassured me that he would change and treat me better and we would resolve things together, I agreed. I took him back and we started dating again.
Then this time, (currently) I confessed that he rarely puts effort into the relationship, he replies hours late to me. I said that I think breaking up is better, and he agreed right away. I don’t get it, I feel as if he was waiting for the moment, and when I realized I was in the wrong, I begged for him back. I told him, I didn’t mean it and if he gave me just one chance, I can change, I’ll treat him better.
Yesterday, he claims that he doesn’t want me back, and he wants time, I refused, I pressured him to take me back. See, we came up with many plans for the future, and we came up with many plans for the summer. He gets out of school for summer in 2 weeks, I’ve been out of school—

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I am, 16yo (F), and I have extreme attachment issues and I refuse to love myself, nor focus on myself. It is my biggest turn-off in a relationship.
My boyfriend is, 17yo (M), and he and I share many similarities. He’s more ahead of life than I am.

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Continuing on

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—since last week, and we made plans way before, we made plans for the future. We agreed on a time that we would meet up and have a physical relationship instead of a long distance.
Now, no matter what I do, he said I lost his trust, and I kept begging for him back, for the past 4 days, I’ve begged for him back to give me another chance, I’ve cried so much, I thought of him through every night. I lost my appetite to eat, and I stay up more often to try to get in contact in him so he would listen to me. I went from 8 hours of sleep to 4 hours of sleep.
I just wanted to be in a relationship with him, and I’m mentally attached to him, and I can’t seem to let him go. I’ve wrote him an entire book expressing how much I love him and how much I miss him.
I’ve forgiven him countless of times in the past, he said he became nonchalant after I said that we should break up this one time and he says that he doesn’t trust me. I said that I would be his tears, and that I’d cry for him. I said that he’d never shed a single tear for me, and he would only care when I mention suicide. He used to cry for me ever since the first large argument, he said he would change so I trusted him and took him back. I said that I’ll give him a month, and he agreed. He ended up making it up to me last time and we were happy.
Now as I made a mistake, he doesn’t seem to hear me out, nor does he care about what I say to him, no matter how much I am to apologize.
The replies I get from him now are:
“Alrighty”
“Alright”
“Hmmm”
“I see”
“Mmmhm”
“All good”
“Oh’
I don’t even think he cares about me anymore, I don’t think he loves me anymore. I think he’s practically moved on, but I can’t accept that. I just want him back, I want to love him, and he said that even if we did get back together, he would not talk to me as much, nor would he text me as much, nor would we spent time too much anymore.
I don’t realize my self worth, and I tend to mention a lot about suicide when he’s not around. I get this—

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—weird feeling in my stomach and it feels like “butterflies in my stomach”, but the type that would cause nausea and anxiety. I can’t get him off my mind, but I’ve recently spoke to him, and he claimed that I’m rarely ever on his mind anymore.
We’ve sent each other inappropriate images and spoke about them. I’ve sent him countless of essays and paragraphs that express my love for him, and me apologizing for messing up. He said he needs time, but he needs one fucking year. I don’t get why he needs that much…we’ve only been together for one year, but he expects me to wait another year in order for him to date me again. It truly hurts how much I love him, and it hurts even more when I feel as if he doesn’t care about me.
He said he knew we would break up, but when I asked why he didn’t prevent it, he said he didn’t know. I lost hope, but I can’t leave him. We’re interested in so much that it’d be hard to leave him.

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the thought of him with another women makes me want to vomit.

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I messed up, but… TW. mentions of suicide

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I thought he was an asshole this one time because he called me just to tell me that he’s gonna play a game with his brother and i can do my own thing.
I found it strange why he called because i would just be sitting there while he has fun, and barely talks to me because all he talks to is his brother. I get he wants to spent time with his brother, but why would he bother calling me just to “do my own thing”? And after that, we spent time less and less, which had me thinking he wasn’t interested at all. The previous breakups were all his idea, i don’t get why he would have to recover from this one and take a break while i accepted him back everytime then? And previously before this, i cried over him, and when my parents found out, they wanted me to cut ties with him. I argued back, i said he was the right one for me, i fought for him.
I’m just upset he gave up like that when he mentioned that when i cried over him that day, his brother heard and that we can’t get back together because he doesn’t know what his brother would think..

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my current state

Unstable, loss of motivation, loss if appetite, overly sensitive, indecisive, impatient

In need of advice, help, any opinions of my situation would be helpful.

full wren
# lone vale **my current state** __Unstable, loss of motivation, loss if appetite, overly s...

Best thing to do would be to just breakup honestly. Cut off the contact completely. It isnt working at all, he isnt interested at all, nor does he care, it exausts you mentally, and the psychosomatic nausea you mentioned is a clear sign of a bad relationship. You need to slowly rebuild your individual structure. Start focusing bit more on yourself, do thing you enjoy, and definitely broaden your social structure, but with the intention of only having friends. For the attachment issues, psychotherapy would be good, but it depends if you have the money, or if you are willing to reach out to your parents. Psychiatry could help you a bit, your insurance would pay for it, but meds dont fix things, they make you feel a bit better. So just explore, defintiely dont stay stagnant and ruminating, thats the worst. Try to develope a plan, start small so you arent demotivated. And slowly start building yourself up. If you even want a future romance, it wont be possible if it is gonna be the only value in your life, that will create many problems in the relationship, and will leave you compltely devasted if the relationship wont work out.

lone vale
# full wren Best thing to do would be to just breakup honestly. Cut off the contact complete...

I’ve agreed to get help, I’ve spoke to many, but I feel better with more validation and advice.
Many said that he probably does care, but he’s just hurting on the inside and locked up his emotions he once showed me. Him “changing” would be just an excuse.
I feel like cutting ties would also be a good idea, but I’m just totally attached, I fear not finding someone like him, I don’t even want to mention better. We have many similar ||explicit fantasies|| that I won’t mention for the sake of younger audiences who’re reading and regulating rules aswell. I find it’ll be difficult to find someone just like him, considering my likings tend to be ‘disgusting’ to others, he welcomed me with opened arms since we began dating. He prevented and distracted me from my ||suicidal|| thoughts by speaking to me very often.
I like to think, that he does care. As a ‘almost mature’ women, I’m just mentally unprepared for the real world out there. I’m unhealthy to the point that even if he cheated and claimed he still loved me…I’d still, date him; unfortunately.
He has done a lot for me, and comforted me through my weak times, and when we met was when we both were pretty weak.
This is both of our first relationships, is it really worth stepping out of? Well, that’s not really clear enough, since we both have the title of ‘single’, or ‘waiting’, as he wants me to wait a year for him to improve himself. I cannot understand a man’s point of view, but I feel like I’m the victim, I feel like I’m the one whose hurt—though I understand that men do not like being seen vulnerable, therefore they don’t cry nor shed as many tears as a women would. I wish I understand what he’s feeling.

lone vale
full wren
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he didnt even think shit through

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just said "i dont know"

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and the whole situation is just unhealthy and extremely messy

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the only reason why r staying is out of attachment

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and those explicit fantasies, i mean depends

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is it kink wise? or like gore?

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many people are into different things

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but arent open about it generally

lone vale
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I know there are probably contracts or clubs meant for them around the world, but truthfully, those people would never want to be in a relationship. It’s a one-time thing for them.

full wren
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well i dont know what is it in specific, but from my experience , if r gonna find an open person, they are willing to try things with their partner

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¨but you need to work on rself first

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else future relationships are gonna end up bad too

lone vale
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I’m trying my best, he still checks up on me from time to time, I believe. Well, I don’t know, maybe he has and not anymore. The last time he did was yesterday, to make sure I didn’t commit ||suicide||

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I think he just doesn’t want to live with the guilt that his first relationship ended because his partner ||took her life||

lone vale
full wren
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because you wanna stay for the attachment

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he isnt affected because he doesnt care about you

lone vale
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I wanna stay, another reason because I fear I won’t find nobody better

full wren
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he only doesnt want to be guilty

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if you commited

lone vale
full wren
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r gashlighting rself

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he wast afected at all from the breakup

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he didnt care

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nor does he now

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he checks up on your becase he is afraid of the guilt

lone vale
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Yeah. I think that too, I just am one indecisive person, and I’m scared to leave due to attachment. I’ll be lonely, I haven’t found a hobby nor interest to obsess over, and I’m not an adult just yet so I can’t find others with the same interest nor go around the world, for I don’t have enough money just yet either.

lone vale
full wren
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bruh

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you have to understand

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that feelings change

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love is nothing static

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him saying that is compltely relative

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doesnt matter now

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if he loved you now, he would be sad becasue of the breakup

lone vale
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I’m really trying my best, I mean I wish he could’ve said he wants to move on instead of wanting time, man, if he recovered in a year, I’ll just get dumped

full wren
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instead he didnt give a shit

lone vale
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Unfortunately

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I’ll have to get detached before leaving though, it’s gonna hurt like a a bitch if I leave now

full wren
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it doesnt work like that

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you cant be detached if you talk with a person

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you have to leave

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cut off contact

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block

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and throw away any reminders

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after that

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attachment will slowly dissolve

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and dissapear

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if r gonna talk with him its never gonna change

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it will just drag itself out endlessly

lone vale
# full wren it will just drag itself out endlessly

I would never truly understand a man’s mindset, but it’s true. He never held me back nor did he seem to feel sympathy nor care when I brought it up to his attention.
You’re right, I feel like he did lose everything for me. Why would he still be with me if he’s clearly uninterested?

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As in, why would he keep contact? Maybe because he doesn’t want to feel guilty?

full wren
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the only reason why he stays is that he is afraid of you killing yourself

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and doesnt want to feel guild

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he doesnt care

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if he cared he would be atleast a bit sad

lone vale
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Damn the truth hits like a fucking boulder.
I don’t know what he’s thinking—gaslighting myself—what if he does feel sad or upset about the breakup but doesn’t want to show up in fear of being judged?
His mother has mentioned him crying for me in the past and he seemed pretty upset about it that day and said he can’t even trust his 2nd priority, whose his mother

full wren
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maybe he cared in the past

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maybe he said that he loves you

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but thats long gone

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his behavior clearly shows he isnt interested

lone vale
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How’d he lose it so fast? I don’t get it, I gave him everything…it’ll take me a long time to recover from this

full wren
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hedonic adaptation

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happends in most relationships

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infatuation at the beggning, so its a new exciting experience

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but if you arent compatible, and mutually work on it hard every day

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the feelings will dissapear

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and when they do, you start arguing

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common cycle in relationships

clever steppe
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@lone vale

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I'm glad you're still alive!

lone vale
lone vale
clever steppe
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Please don't leave us.

full wren
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checklist of what to do

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fun activities

clever steppe
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I wanted to make sure you're alright before reading the paragraph uwu

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Give me a few minutes.

lone vale
# clever steppe Please don't leave us.

Those thoughts do go away, eventually, as I get distracted. I think of them for a few minutes to hours, but I get scared to leave as well, but I wouldn’t hesitate, as I have attempted before

lone vale
# full wren checklist of what to do

God I’m terrible at scheduling, but I’ll see what I can do. It’s 10 AM right now, I’m currently having my freetime and speaking about my feelings and trying to get opinions since I’m an indecisive person and I don’t want to make a mistake that’s going to affect me again.
During 1-2 PM, I’ll probably be eating lunch/preparing for my sister and I,
During 3-4 PM, I’ll probably be exercising and then playing some games for the other half of the time,
5 PM I’ll be taking a bath or shower to wash up,
7-8 PM my parents would be coming home or so, and I’ll probably have dinner around 8-9 PM, I’ll be spending some time writing or listening to music at that moment.
I sleep earlier now, at 11 PM, because I tend to wake up early, since my sleeping hours reduced ever since he’s on my mind and all. I just want to be able to sleep for as many hours as I can.

lone vale
clever steppe
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Wtf

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We have the same situation.

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I know how it feels...

lone vale
clever steppe
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I think you both didn't have a strong base.

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Love at first sight.

clever steppe
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I get to date all types of different people.

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You should try it too uwu

lone vale
lone vale
clever steppe
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I like your formality too.

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You're so adorable.

clever steppe
lone vale
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But, thank you

lone vale
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🤷‍♀️

clever steppe
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Ayo!

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Same!

lone vale
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YOOO

clever steppe
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Men are so fucking stupid

lone vale
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My guy’s latino, he doesn’t like any race but Asian, he thought I was white and never asked about my race. When I mentioned I was Asian over vc with his friend, (we were a trio). He freaked out!

clever steppe
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Can we be friends!?

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You're so cool.

lone vale
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Of course, I don’t mind at all!

clever steppe
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You inspire me <3

lone vale
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But yea, and after I sent pictures of me, we all did face reveals and he confessed shortly after…

lone vale
clever steppe
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Twinnie!??!?

clever steppe
lone vale
lone vale
clever steppe
clever steppe
lone vale
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Are you speaking to me because you know your comforting me?

clever steppe
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Huh?

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I just wanted to have a conversation with you.

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Because I like you.

lone vale
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You’re a great person aswell. Im glad we talked and had many similarities, it’s quite crazy

clever steppe
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Your presence is so comforting.

lone vale
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I have sent explicit pictures of myself to him, and I have pictures of him aswell

lone vale
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So is yours

clever steppe
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It's inconceivable to think that you don't value yourself extensively.

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I suppose you shouldn't think about dating for a while.

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I value you.

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You need to value yourself too!

lone vale
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I was exposed to technology and social media at a young age so I didn’t get to really enjoy the world as a toddler, for I was always on my little ipad at the time. I didn’t get so much love because of that, and i got ||abused|| as well by the age of 5 and all when my parents got employed, I hung out with the owner’s daughter, which was 12 and I was really mistreated, I was also attached to her, but unfortunately got abused due to that. I always wanted to play with her and spend time together, I was forced to keep it away from my parents or else she would ||slap|| and ||beat me|| even more,

lone vale
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I can only focus on myself when I find a replacement for him,

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Or another obsession

clever steppe
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I'm so sorry you had to go through such dreadful things.

lone vale
clever steppe
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But you're so mentally substantial!

lone vale
clever steppe
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Wait

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We're friends.

clever steppe
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Cutie.

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Different people cope with things differently.

lone vale
clever steppe
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It probably wasn't that bad for him.

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What a bitch he is.

clever steppe
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You've been through awful things.

lone vale
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It was, I’m pretty sure. He has a step-dad, been abused, was considered a mistake, has liver problems

clever steppe
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I can't blame you.

lone vale
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I mean, that sounds much worse

clever steppe
lone vale
clever steppe
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I hope he'll find happiness.

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I presume you want him to be happy too.

lone vale
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It’s unreal, when he leaves I just feel like something weird in my stomach and all

clever steppe
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You're the cutest!

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You'll have to learn to make a few sacrifices.

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You tried your best to make things right with him.

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I respect you for that.

lone vale
clever steppe
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But it's not healthy.

lone vale
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Tuff

lone vale
clever steppe
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He seems to not need you anymore... I don't think obsessing over him and causing your mental health to deteriorate is the right thing.

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I know how difficult it is.

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I still struggle with it.

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Because of how much we've built with them.

lone vale
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I can’t help it—I literally cannot, as much as I want to make him regret leaving me because he’ll never find another girl whose gonna…
Cling onto him (which is probably a total turn-off)
Wish him good morning, goodnight everyday
Check up on him 24/7
Try to impress him
Spend time with him (I’m never busy)
Love him for him
Never judge him
Accept him for his kinks (we share the same)
Laugh with him,, not at him
Miss him more than he misses me
And loving him more
Never dumped him when there was a better chance

clever steppe
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It's so sweet!

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Wtf

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I ship it.

lone vale
lone vale
clever steppe
lone vale
clever steppe
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There's no solution if you're not willing to comply.

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Unlessssss

lone vale
clever steppe
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You both should discuss it again?

clever steppe
lone vale
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He don’t wanna hear it. He denies me asking for another chance

lone vale
clever steppe
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Are you seriously thinking about dating a man who's this indecisive???

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Let's suppose

lone vale
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Yeah, sadly

clever steppe
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You got married with him irl

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You both get into an argument

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He'll divorce you and ask you to re marry in 1 year!??

lone vale
clever steppe
lone vale
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I don’t know what my next step is, someone else said that he’s recovering and may come running back sooner than I think

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They said to give him time

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But like

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I wanna be w him and not wait a damn year

clever steppe
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Self

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Worth

lone vale
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I

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Can’t

clever steppe
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Why do you think you don't value yourself much?

lone vale
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I just don’t

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I wanna care for others

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I think of myself lowly, I put people before myself

clever steppe
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That's understandable.

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@full wren

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I need some help here.

lone vale
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They’ve done

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A lot

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But I just don’t listen

clever steppe
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They've done nothing!

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Trust me.

lone vale
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They’ve done a lot

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Don’t worry about it

clever steppe
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Got it.

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You're so kind to everyone.

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I love you.

lone vale
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How come? They really did provide me with a lot…I just am terrible at following, but I’ll always listen

clever steppe
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I agree.

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Vaga is a good person.

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I just have some beef with him because he gets under my skin.

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@lone vale

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What should I call you?

lone vale
lone vale
clever steppe
lone vale
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I don’t mind, some people call me the wrong name, it doesn’t bother me

clever steppe
clever steppe
lone vale
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Like someone called me eso or eros like I really don’t care

lone vale
clever steppe
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...

lone vale
clever steppe
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Ren ren <3

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That's so cute!

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Ren

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Cutest name ever.

lone vale
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You keep calling me, what’s up?

clever steppe
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Ren

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I love it.

lone vale
clever steppe
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I love you!

clever steppe
lone vale
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He texted me, “what’d you eat?”

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3 minutes ago

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I’m not gonna reply

clever steppe
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Your boyfriend?

lone vale
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Boyfriend

clever steppe
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Reply to him!

lone vale
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Not now, he took 2 hours to reply to me

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It’s only fair

clever steppe
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You love him.

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He doesn't reciprocate.

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It's not fair either.

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Cmon Ren!

lone vale
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I’m not gonna reply, because he takes hours to reply to me while I’m that clingy mf who replies in less than 5 or so. I ignored it until now, I saw what he said, but I made sure it didn’t say ‘seen’. Yk like the side swipe thing? It doesn’t show that you saw but you still see it

clever steppe
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Aww.

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I do agree with you but...

lone vale
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He doesn’t deserve my reply just yet, not after I cried for him for 4 days straight or so without him feeling sympathy

clever steppe
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I know you don't want to overwhelm him...

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I respect it..

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Butttt

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I still think you should respond to him.

lone vale
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Maybe later

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I’m…competitive

clever steppe
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xD

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At least there's pride.

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I'm proud of you.

lone vale
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Thank you

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Very much

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Come back soon. I’ll probably update eventually

clever steppe
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Are you leaving?

lone vale
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I thought you’re

clever steppe
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I am!

lone vale
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Yeah, I’ll be here, come back soon

clever steppe
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Promise me that you'll not s||u||i||c||i||d||e||

lone vale
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I promise

clever steppe
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I need you more than he does.

clever steppe
lone vale
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Yep, pinky promise

lone vale
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Ping me whenever

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I’ll be here

clever steppe
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Can I add you?

lone vale
lone vale
clever steppe
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Please?

lone vale
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I don’t mind

clever steppe
lone vale
lone vale
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Update :
He doesn’t text me anymore. He doesn’t check up on me nomore. I think he’s just totally over it, but it hurts so bad.