#I Feel so Artificial

19 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

smoky mason
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I think it all started when my dad left me, my big sister, & my mom when I was a toddler or a kid, it has a massive impact on my life negatively, my grades aren’t any good to this day, I don’t know how to speak normally as a result I barely have any friends throughout all my life,

I’m not here to hate on my dad, I loved him

My parents still loved me & my older sister but not to each other, I could still visit my dads home in walking distance bc we’re not that far apart, he had other family to take care of, his family are good ppl, I get to meet my half siblings, in its peak I was visiting them everyday like I was there real siblings but I don’t visit them anymore, last time I saw him was on Oct 2017 when I got the news he died on purpose, I got to see him motionless on a hospital bed, unfortunately his family got to see him first,

The funeral was sad to say the least.

Before my dads death & after he left, I used to be an extroverted kid who likes to make friends & learn from school, then I get bullied into being an socially anxious introvert, that’s how hard I got being bullied, I used to have one friend but we didn’t really hangout, only once a week, last time we were hanging out was a year ago, we don’t talk to each other anymore, no conflict just awkwardness.

Nowadays I live with my mom being in my room alone most of the time using my phone, play video games, sometimes draw & write a film script I doubt it’ll be made,

I don’t know how to talk to people let alone make friends, I’m not even comfortable around my relatives.

I don’t like myself if it wasn’t obvious enough, I find it so hard to like myself as much as talking to people which is near impossible for me.

Here’s a song I found called “Home” by Patricia Taxxon on the album “Nostalgia”, it captures how I feel about my daily life, just search “Patricia taxxon Nostalgia” it’s the last & best song imo, it starts in 29:08 on YT

cursive wadi
smoky mason
cursive wadi
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only cure to fear is slow exposure

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perseverance and routine

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you could get into therapy if you have the money

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cognitive restructuring would be definitely needed too

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as well as talking therapy to improve your speaking skills

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dealing with that trauma which makes you reclusive and retreat into yourself too much

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if that isnt a viable option rn, you can still try to improve by yourself

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try to focus on one friend

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keep a routine of talking to him, definitely someone who is like minded

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or

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you could find a group, or a discord server with people who have problems with communication too

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that would be very nice

smoky mason
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Thx for the advice, much appreciated, I’ll go to therapy one day but I don’t have the money rn, I need to sleep have a good night

cursive wadi
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sleep well

fresh spire
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Hey, I know it might seem pointless for me to pop in, but you could always try just sitting back to some lofi or synthwave. Something to pulsate blood into your brain. This all sounds like a lot of stress, and when I need to feel something, I usually destress with music to get some blood pumping in my brain. Just kinda sit and put your head back, allowing for it to pulse. Maybe that seems pointless. Anyway, I’m here if you want to talk. Hope you’re not just droning on from day to day. I know that could be miserable to a lot of people. Idk. Hi.

smoky mason