#TW: suicide, self harm, rape, human nature, bullying, doxxing, abuse

96 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

smoky trail
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I hate this.

It is so easy to hurt someone. It is so easy to hurt me! It is too easy. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm trying to act like I'm fine but I'm getting all blurry and everything starts to go numb and I try to find something to heal myself with but whatever I do, nothing fucking works.

I recently realized that no matter what I do someone is bound to hate me but I can't stand that. I can't stand knowing I'm going to be hated just for being Transgender. I can't stand knowing I'm going to be hated just for being autistic. I can't stand being told to kill myself. I can't stand being told to cut deeper or to slit my wrists. I can't stand to be told to go get raped. I can't stand to be called slurs. I can't stand to be sent death threats or to be fatshamed. I can't stand people threatening to leak my adress or my photos online.
Now here I am explaining almost everything I cannot stand. I make myself vulnerable for bullying/straight up abuse at worst. Why? Because I'm a pussy that won't even do what I am told to do.

I am a pussy. I should kill myself. I should end it all. I should slit my wrists deeper. I should hang myself.
I should not be trans. I should not be anything but dead.

Y'know something? It's good to be suicidal! Why? Because if you aren't nobody gives a fuck! Nobody cares about you or your problems. They just want to help once you are about to die just so they can rinse their hands of you and say that they tried and let bygones be bygones. Nobody really cares about a stranger over the internet. Most people do not care unless it effects them. If your having a mental breakdown and you happen to interrupt their peace? Your only going to get help because it's going to benefit the other person if you shut your whiny mouth up. The people working for 988 and any other hotline? They more than likely just want to feel like they did a good thing, not help you. Your just a bonus. Mental hospitals? OH BOY ARE THEY JUST MONEY-MAKING SCHEMES.

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It's summer. I should be having fun not worried about things. Not worried that threats people send me online will come true. Not worried that people will find where I live and dox me or try to do some to me. I'm scared. I'm scared and it almost seems pointless because I keep being told that people just do it for fun and to just block them even if they may come on in a different account I don't know!

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I should be outside having fun but instead I'm procrastinating on that to instead worry my tiny birtdbrain mind off on the stupidest shit.

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I haven't taken a shower in seemingly forever. I haven't done any hygeine. I'm depressed. I have a terrible odor to myself. I haven't gotten out of the bed unless I absolutely have too. My doctor just wants to up my dosages of medication most of the time when I see her which doesn't help any. All I can do is what? Cry about it? What a pussy I am.

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I don't want to fucking eat anymore. I'm a fucking fatass but why am I letting all of this get to me like it is so badly?

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People suck and I just need to get over it

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I don't even have it that bad

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Yet I'm still a whiny bitch

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I deserved the abuse my mom gave me.

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Other people have it way worse than I do. I am just a pathetic failure

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I deserved everything my mom did to me

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I deserve her yelling at me

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I deserve how she made me fear her and the cops, and social workers, and mental hospitals, and mental health professionals

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I deserved how she went in before I spoke to any mental health professional and told them how manipulative I am

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I deserve not to believed

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I deserved my sexual assault

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Now I am going to cry again

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Because I am a pussy

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I am an emotional bitch.

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An emotional piece of shit that shouldn't be talking because I don't have it anywhere near as bad as others.

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I'm literally hear wasting my time, wasting my energy, and wasting my life away

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Things aren't all that bad.

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I don't live my my Mom anymore and I live with my caring grandmother

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What do I have to be upset about?

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All I do is just stay in my room and contemplate the past.

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I shouldn't have even said anything

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I shouldn't have even posted this

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If there is any <@&993332385670246420> on please message or something. I am getting really emotional

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Though I don't know what the point would be. I don't see why anyone would care that much to say anything so whats the point of the @

vast wraith
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Hey man, I hope you’re doing okay. I know right now you’re likely spiralling, at least that is my interpretation of these posts.

There’s so much to unpack here I don’t know where to start so I’d like you to if you’re still here? @smoky trail

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One thing I will say though, trauma is a very complex thing. I don’t know your story, nor do I have to to make this observation, but regardless of the circumstances, going through traumatic events does cloud your ability to see things, experiences and emotions clearly.

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I can understand why you feel no one cares and no one could ever understand

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But there are people out there who will at least try if not totally mean it

smoky trail
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Maybe I deserve it

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I probably do

vast wraith
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Super panicky about what? Do you know?

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Why do you think you deserve to be panicky?

smoky trail
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It's like I lost time sorta? Something like that? And i keep thinking about and it is making me very panicky because I've done this before and I hate this losing time stuff and it's like "who am i?" Because really who the hell am I? What's my purpose? Why do my memories from the past month feel foggy? What is wrong with me?

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So I keep running it through my mind and I'm just like "something is wrong with me"

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Because I feel like something is wrong with me

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I'm too young to go through this

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I must be subconsciously faking every bad thing that happens to me

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I'm just attention seeking, that's probably it.

vast wraith
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Or you need support

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Or you need someone to level wut you and actually listen

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Or very little or none of your emotional needs are being met in your life

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That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you my friend

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Now I’m not absolving you of any responsibility. We’re all responsible for our actions, good, bad and ambiguous. As well as the reasons for them etc

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Now with that said can you explain the ‘lost time’ to me? Are you referring to dissociative states you experience? Or is it more you’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad and feel shame and or beat yourself up etc?

smoky trail
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She asked if I was faking and it feels like im faking like no this can't be real do i have some type of ptsd? What is wrong with me? I can't be having a major symptom of some serious mental health illness when I already have enough on my plate with depression

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I really want to be faking this so this won't be real but at the end of the day my issues are still there.

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I know my mom has Cptsd? Did I somehow fucking inherit that from her? There is not any way.

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I know she abused me emotionally and verbally growing up, maybe I have some type of ptsd from that but I don't want that

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I just want to be normal

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I just want to be a normal teenage girl but instead I'm a depressed teenage transmasc

vast wraith
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Dissociation is quite tricky especially in your situation when you’re not really sure what’s going on, how you’re feeling and why.

Firstly my advice to you would be to maybe try and write down the main things that really effect and bother you. Then reflect on those things, I’d be happy to try and help you with that if you’d like. It could give you some perspective why you feel the way you do and maybe even ways to relieve stress, triggers and uncomfortable situations.

smoky trail
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Like triggers?

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Write down my triggers?

vast wraith
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I also understand this stuff can be very overwhelming and lines will get crossed. It’s okay to not understand some things. But small steps can help clear the fog and allow more room to understand deeper issues

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I mean if you could write me say the top 5 biggest issues in your life, regardless of what that is, a mental health issue, an experience etc.

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Or more likely the biggest things that affect you on a daily basis

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You don’t have to do it right now mind or tell me anything

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I imagine it’s similar to the things you’ve listed in the first post

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Im trying to get at ways to maybe help you regulate if you wanted to

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Or try and allow yourself to be able to be there for yourself and work through tough things

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And so you could maybe explain it to others who want to support you in a better way

smoky trail
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I'm sorry that It is 6 instead of 5

vast wraith
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Doesn’t have to be just five dude 🙂 can be as many or as little as you like

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It’s your story not mine

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Was just an example

smoky trail
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Oh okay

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Sorry

vast wraith
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Don’t be sorry!

smoky trail
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Oh

vast wraith
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I’m not saying I have solutions, but now you have your list. Try a look at each thing on its own, I’m not saying do that now. But overtime you may be able to identify small things that could help ease the issues you have

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Make whatever decisions you have to go benefit your own health

smoky trail
covert anvil
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Make a list of things that you hate and want to replace with it and re read it everyday to remind urself and schedule ur day around that plan to change. Don’t let people determine your self worth. They may have already damaged you but the only person who can show you love and change is yourself first. If you can try remove yourself from a toxic environment, distant yourself from negative energy. Focus on self improvement. Find a purpose, meaning. Turn to guidance if you can seek professional help. For now all I can ask you is to look at the positives. You are still breathing, u continue to live cause you are trying . Don’t let ur bullies / problems take over you. This life isn’t easy nor is it heaven. It’s testing you to become the best version of urself despite going through hardship. Once u can break out of your mold. You will be a survivor and lead a strong ongoing life till you’re in paradise. Even In video games killing urself isn’t satisfactory or a solution.

smoky trail
# covert anvil Make a list of things that you hate and want to replace with it and re read it e...

But will it really work? I try so hard to get better. I've tried for so long but what if I cannot do it.

I've tried having a schedule, I used to be obsessively caught up planning every minute of the day and if anything unexpected happned I would breakdown.

I don't know how to get that balance of schedule and free time just right.

It's almost as if I have two choices, let all my life be controlled by an unchanging schedule or mope around being depressed not knowing what to do.

covert anvil
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I do get where ur coming from it happens to me. balancing it out is done through not being over-excessive with it. when you don’t meet your plan you readjust it. E.g. ‘A is at 7 but you missed it out, you change It to 9. You don’t have to be overly specific with ur plan as long as u get it done by the same day, you made up for it.

You need to learn how to be flexible, adapt elements to it that stops you from breaking down cause you know not everything will always be according to plan. Take small steps first. You need to reward urself for every good action u take.

Imagine u did at least one thing rather than nothing it’s still better..

Whatever you do in your free time don’t let it hinder your schedule. Time urself if you have to or make use of it.

Sometimes ur free time is having to put the actual work in. being 50-50 depends on how far behind or ahead you are.

smoky trail
covert anvil
# smoky trail Ah. It just seems very hard to try to do that and so far I have very little ener...

You should find ways to get quality sleep. Like what is stopping you. If it’s due to overthinking / anxiety. I drink herbal tea like chamomile it helps soothe things. If it’s due to light then having a black out curtain makes it better. Air filter for white noise, headphones / sleep mask.

Those help me sleep I’d advice u don’t naps throughout the day. It’ll prevent you from getting a night sleep. be consistent in falling asleep at the same time so you don’t ruin ur sleep pattern. Avoid phone in bed it emits blue light which disturbs your sleep hormones.

Try to fix your sleep routine it’ll improve your well-being / health.

smoky trail
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Then I just probably need to fix my uncomfortable bed situation and probably take at least half the stuffed animals off the bed and put actual pillows there instead to sleep on.

covert anvil
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