woeful bobcat
I have a competition based mindset and I need advice to try to change it.
I don't know how to describe it without sounding like an asshole so sorry in advance but I literally cannot go a day without comparing myself to at least 2 people and trying to be better than them. It's a conscious thing that I do but it's not picking out people to be better than or intentionally think these thoughts.
Whenever I catch myself in the act of doing this I always stop myself and feel so self absorbed and shitty afterwards cause I know I am better than no one, I have my own struggles and they have theirs. I don't know if there's a better term for it so excuse me if this sounds invalidating or sugar coating to a real mental issue!!
To go into more detail, it's not like i'm trying to shove it in their face and let someone know that I am trying to be better than them. It's more like to prove to myself that I am better. If I see someone doing something I think I could be just plain good at as well, I always catch myself boosting my stupid ego by trying to outshine or stand out or be different than them. I can't describe how much I hate it. I never want to take a spotlight away from someone whether they be aware of it or not. It reminds me of how I felt in a previous platonic relationship where the other person would constantly try to one up my vents and in retaliation I tried to one up theirs or completely show that I was disinterested.. I am a shitty person for that and feel kinda bad for even resorting to that but I feel even worse now that it has almost completely taken over me and affecting new relationships. I also feel like I've developed a bit more social anxiety from this cause i'm scared people can "read my thoughts" and they'll judge me.
Please someone help me out with this. What can I do to stop thinking like this?
surreal badge