probs will delete this after venting smh

[rain egret]

I feel like everything was wasteful . I was not worth anything. I am not a miracle , I was not even supposed to be here. There's so much people out there who deserves to live . Much more than I do. I don't understand human emotions well, I feel and understand everything but towards my own, I feel nothing! Pure nothing. Idk what I want, I am always searching for my purpose. I hate how life is what came to be. Everyone is suffering and I feel more ungrateful for being depressed or feeling this way. No one should have saved me back than. As a kid too I felt suffocated and 10 years later , I still feel this way. They all lied to me when they said things will get better , I am 18 now and things has only gotten worse . It's not getting better at all.

I hate to be the people who make it everything about them but here I am doing the same. I wanna kill this side of me , the side which wants someone atleast one person to understand but I know it's a wishful thing. I am not supposed to be this way. I know I am making many disappointed. I am not their "perfect" girl or like how they presumed me to be. I am not nice , flawless, kind , mature or what not! I am not someone who doesn't feel hurt. In honestly I hurt a lot! A lot more than anyone can imagine. I didn't rejected or isolated myself from people cause I hated them or thought of them as a nuisance , it was cause I knew I didn't deserved their kindness and cause I knew I am unstable asf. But they won't ever know it

Everything just seem so tiring. The unseen pressure I feel. These intense emotions , the numbness, everything is eating me away slowly and I hate how I have become so weak.

I totally forgot everything I ever knew. The lessons I was taught, and the guidance I got. I let everyone down and I don't know. I don't deserve this life. I wish I could say I am sorry to them. Idk why I let myself get this far , if I knew even after trying this will be the result , I wouldn't have given it a decade

And it's also not that only I have it tough, everyone else around me does too! So idk why am being such a brat and feel depressed! I literally met so many people dealing with stuffs far worse than me. I miss my old self! Where did she go even Idk. I was not like this . I want to be my past self again. When did I started slipping to this dark void? When was it? I was okay, even after everything happened , I was okay and was doing fine , I didn't had much friends , nor I was open that much but I was still stable! How tf did I reach tuis point of life where I am threatening my own self and constantly fighting with my ownself to live?

It's so sad. I wonder if my past self got to know whatever we did had come to this

Will she regret it?

Am I regretting it? Rn From what I feel I sure asf regret my decisions

We would have long gone with our illness if we didn't had the will to live

People said after facing death once , you will understand the true value of life

So why is it me who sees the ugly side of the world?

Why do I wanna go to that waiting room again and never turn back and just go to the eternal sleep

I literally don't understand my own self anymore . It scares me so much that I have so many sides which I still can't read. A side which has a will to live and another who has already given up. I am in the middle zone rn but the other two sides will surely rival eachother after am done.

I just wish I am me again

I also wonder what advices past me would give and how she would look at our situation

She would probably be super disappointed