Kibishii - Historic Fiction / Pc Game Writing.
#Deleted
civic blaze
fading hatch
What type of game is this? You have a lot of description, which is probably fine for something like a VN. But for an RPG, I imagine you could simply show most of that?
fading hatch
I think my point was more that, if you are using visuals to represent the environment, it might feel superfluous to narrate the descriptions? I don't know of any games that do this, though if you have an example with descriptions as extensive as yours, then I'd be happy to be proven wrong.
As for the writing itself, I think it's a little awkward at times. Sentence-by-sentence:
Shinmen Takezo, stood alone amongst the bare trunks of the giant bamboo, they towered high above him and at their slender tops a sea of leaves rustled in the breeze. - Run-on. Could use a semi-colon or full stop before 'they towered'. Also, a bit redundant to say that they're both giant and they towered high above him. Could be condensed.
he last rays of golden sunlight filtered down into the cold world around him and deep inside he longed for a memory of his mother. - Load-bearing 'and'. Might be worth separating the two clauses, since they're not directly linked.
He tried to imagine her face but instead he saw his father's hateful stares of accusing blame. - 'hateful stares of accusing blame', this is such a mouthful. Too many determinants. Rework this or drop some adjectives/adjectivals.
His cruel fated birth had denied him his mother and in turn his vengeful father had banished him from the family home, denying him his lineage. - This is cool, but what is this cruel fated birth? If this is an introduction, feels like we should maybe get an explanation? Otherwise this is a pretty weak hint.
Renouncing him from the way of the Samurai. - Could be condensed with the sentence prior. '[...] banished him from the family home, renouncing him from the way of the Samurai.'
Takezo refused to give up on the pursuit of the blade it was his only purpose. - Missing comma, semi-colon, or period. I'll let you decide which is best.
In defiance he clenched every fiber of his body so fiercely that he began to tremble violently. - Okay, but slightly odd phrasing. Adverb avalanche too.
His fist gripped around the wooden sword with such intensity that drops of blood came out from under his finger nails. - a very 'telly' way of showing stuff. "He gripped the wooden sword, blood beading beneath his finger nails."
Turning his head to the uncaring sky he unleased a roaring bellow that echoed far out over the bamboos, it could be heard from the surrounding hills. - Weird to use such an adverbial construction at the start, especially with this tone of narration. Also a 'roaring bellow' is a tautology. And same could be said for 'far out over the bamboos, it could be heard from the surrounding hills' - though this tautology is more semantic than not.
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Not sure where or how you figured out that 2nd person is the go-to for video game writing, but that's certainly not the case. Especially when you aren't playing as a self-named player, rather as an established character. It reads well enough in 2nd perosn, though 👍
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Too many to count 🙂
But if it's a game you're trying to write, shouldn't you perhaps look at that? The FromSoftware games are pretty good at doing what you're trying to do
fading hatch
Perhaps part of your worldbuilding, but with Shoguns and samurai, do you perhaps mean Daimyo instead of Diamyo?