Fallen Heart

[lucid jay]

This is one of my favourite pieces of poetry I've wrote but I don't think it's the best it can be? Just looking for any suggestions really.

Heart heavy, falling like drops of rain,
Till it fell to my feet, ground crying in pain
What more are twinkles of stars,
Than angels blinking away tears?
What more are earthquakes,
Than Earth shaking from cruel dreams?

I want to be so loveable the devil will offer a rose and repent,
Yet words of sorrow leave such a deep dent,
Who am I to love myself,
When I better love someone else,

[idle sand]

This is amazing!!!!! The only thing I can pick up on is that it might flow better if you split the last two lines of the first stanza into two, splitting them after 'stars' and 'earthquakes' just to give it a different, slightly more consistent rhythm. Feel free to ignore me tho :))) it's just something to mess around with, try reading it out loud to see the difference in how the tempo reads to the audience

[lucid jay]

Yeah it does sound much more flowly and it makes the lines more into the effect I want, thank youuu