#pakala pi soweli alasa lili (Tomcat Disposables translation)

59 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

rain kiln
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I'm new-ish to learning toki pona don't ask why this is the first thing I do :P
no clue if this is even at all correct
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M-km0_4x4dFkRtt4okaIBlctbyZmcaDNLztDuSWqYn0/edit?usp=sharing

Google Docs
pakala pi soweli alasa lili

toki pona ⇔ English I have mapped the cupboards and drawers 9 Tracked the least walked spots on the floor 8 Happy to be home, safe and warm 8 The shadows by their feet 6 The odd vanishing treat 6 Quietly eating while they sleep 8 So here's w...

viscid vector
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telo pi nasa tawa pona, tenpo pi pimeja tan walo
That uses prepositions inside of pi, which shouldn't work
mi ken ala ken lon pona lon ike?
Use "anu"
nasin ale, mi toki.
Would be better with "la", like "toki mi la, ni li nasin ale"

rain kiln
viscid vector
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Second one:

mi ken lon pona anu ike?
or, better:
pona anu ike la mi lon seme?

rain kiln
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Ooh that is better

rain kiln
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the first verse and chorus are translated now

mi sona e poki moku,
e tawa lili lon supa
mi lon tomo la mi pona seli
pimeja li poka e noka ona
moku pona li lukin lili
ona li lape la mi moku pi kalama lili
tomo ni li lon sona e jan sin mi,
mi wile jo e jan la mi open e kulupu olin
tenpo ni ala la, mi sitelen e tenpo pi ale pona
mi lape pini la moku li kama lon e ilo seli pi pali moku
tenpo ala la mi wile mute
sewi li jo e moku jelo ala jo?
selo pi moku Pamesan
telo nasa tawa telo pona, tenpo pimeja tan tenpo walo
tenpo sijelo li ken lili, palisa uta mi li ken suli
sina toki ala e mi,
mi toki e mi taso,
lawa mi li lili sama e lawa suli
pona anu ike la mi lon seme?
toki mi la, ni li nasin ale

viscid vector
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e tawa lili lon supa
That's part of the previous line, it'd mean "I know the small movement on the floor"
moku pona li lukin lili
That'd mean the moku is the see-er
tomo ni li lon sona e jan sin mi,
Just making sure: You're using the prepositional phrase as a transitive verb?
mi lape pini la moku li kama lon e ilo seli pi pali moku
Judging from your translation, it should be "lape mi li pini la", shorter would be "lape mi pini" and if you're someone who uses "pini" as a preverb, there's one more option
and "li kama lon ilo seli pi pali moku"
sewi li jo e moku jelo ala jo?
sewi li jo ala jo e moku jelo?
lawa mi li lili sama e lawa suli
no "e" needed here, "sama" is a preposition

rain kiln
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mi sona e poki moku,
e supa lon tawa lili
mi lon tomo la mi pona seli
pimeja li poka e noka ona
mi lukin lili li e moku pona
ona li lape la mi moku pi kalama lili
tomo ni li lon sona e jan sin mi,
mi wile jo e jan la mi open e kulupu olin
tenpo ni ala la, mi sitelen e tenpo pi ale pona
lape mi pini la moku li kama lon e ilo seli pi pali moku
tenpo ala la mi wile mute
sewi li jo ala jo e moku jelo?
selo pi moku Pamesan
telo nasa tawa telo pona, tenpo pimeja tan tenpo walo
tenpo sijelo li ken lili, palisa uta mi li ken suli
sina toki ala e mi,
mi toki e mi taso,
lawa mi li lili sama lawa suli
pona anu ike la mi lon seme?
toki mi la, ni li nasin ale

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is this better?

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Just making sure: You're using the prepositional phrase as a transitive verb?
I think so? you're referring to "... li lon sona..."? is there a better way to write it?

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mi lon tomo ni la jan sin mi li kama sona,
does this work-

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jan sin mi li lon tomo ni la ona li kama sona,
or this?

rain kiln
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tenpo pimeja wan la ona li jo suno lon tomo ni
mi tawa lon ken pi awen open, mi lanpan ala e selo moku,
pilin lili li tawa mute, mi toki “o awen e mi,”
ona li ken lon sinpin mi
ona li pona, mi jo ala e moku la tenpo wan,
ale li kama la ni li ala

And how are these sentences?

rain kiln
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I translated every sentence now

viscid vector
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mi sona e poki moku,
e supa lon tawa lili
I think the lon would be pi here
mi wile jo e jan la mi open e kulupu olin
That la is the other way around, right? mi wile open e kulupu (olin) la mi wile e jan
lawa mi li lili sama lawa suli
sina, not suli, right?
tenpo pimeja wan la ona li jo suno lon tomo ni
better with "e"
ona li pona, mi jo ala e moku la tenpo wan,
lon rather than la
tenpo pimeja mute la lete li kama e tomo
definitely lon rather than e
mi pakala open e palisa uta mi lon sinpin tomo,
not wrong! have you considered using "kama" as a preverb to "pakala" (which would then make "open" superfluous)? Not sure if that's the same vibe, though
o, seme li wan mute?
a standalone "o" is not usual - you can keep it as long as you're aware of that - this could lead to some confusion that "o seme" belongs together
lon tomo moku la tenpo sin li kama e tomo,
lon, not e
mi tawa e lupe mi, li lukin
Well, time to get out the quote 😄

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... tawae

proven epochBOT
viscid vector
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also, it'd be lupa

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ona li wile pi jan pona a!
no pi
insa mi li tawa nasa open,
I think this would read better with kama preverb instead of open modifier
o, mi pilin ike seme?
see earlier note on "o"
kon ike li kama e mi
tawa, not e - alternatively, lon could work
mi tawa e tomo lape
see the funny image above
tawa suwi pona li kama ala e mi
lon, not e - alternatively, tawa could work
lon suno pi tenpo walo la mi moli
Hm... probably not wrong, but I'd go with tenpo pi suno walo, maybe? Check if that fits what you mean to say
mi awen wawa, ona li pona ala
What "it" is this referring to? The general situation? In that case, use "ni" instead of "ona"
mi lukin pini la mi kalama lili
that looks like it could have better word order
pini pi lukin mi la, maybe?
also, if this is covered by how you use "mu", check if "mu" fits better than "kalama" here
ona li ale anu seme?
Looks like a job for "ni" like in the previous line with "ona"
mun li pali kepeken seme?
Ok, that doesn't work for a number of reasons. This is using passive voice, which toki pona doesn't have, and kepeken would be the wrong preposition
A good alternative would take some good thinking. "mun li tan ijo seme" might be what some use, "mun li ijo seme" feels slightly better to me
mi weka la sina kama e mun kepeken mi
o instead of sina
lon instead of e - alternatively, tawa could work
lawa mi li jo suno sama suno lon oko sina
jo e suno
wan li moli kepeken wan taso, seme? sona ala.
kepeken is not "with" in that sense, it's "with" in the sense of "by means of" or "using", like "I smash the vase with a hammer" - If you said "I smash the vase with my best friend" in the same sense, you'd have used your best friend as a hammer 😛

rain kiln
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That la is the other way around, right? mi wile open e kulupu (olin) la mi wile e jan
wouldn't that mean "to find a person, I need to start a family?"
not wrong! have you considered using "kama" as a preverb to "pakala" (which would then make "open" superfluous)? Not sure if that's the same vibe, though
mi kama pakala e palisa uta mi...
I come to destroy my teeth... Not sure abt it really
Hm... probably not wrong, but I'd go with tenpo pi suno walo, maybe? Check if that fits what you mean to say
rewrote it as "mi moli lon suno sin"
also, if this is covered by how you use "mu", check if "mu" fits better than "kalama" here
The song is about a mouse, so mu works. i also added "kepeken kon mi" if that works.

viscid vector
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wouldn't that mean "to find a person, I need to start a family?"
Your current version says "I want a person, and in that context (therefore) I start a family"
suno sin
sounds good
kepeken kon mi
also good

rain kiln
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gotcha.

kepeken is not "with" in that sense, it's "with" in the sense of "by means of" or "using", like "I smash the vase with a hammer" - If you said "I smash the vase with my best friend" in the same sense, you'd have used your best friend as a hammer 😛
I see, but i'm not sure how to rewrite it

viscid vector
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In that construction, it's trickier, maybe
wan li moli lon wan taso

rain kiln
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can wan even be used as someone-
"one dies at one only" doesn't quite seem like it fits :/

viscid vector
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I use it if I feel like the situation calls for jan't
otherwise just I use jan

rain kiln
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jan li moli la ona li poka ala e jan? it's a bit wordy

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or could i cut out la ona li and replace it with lon?

viscid vector
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jan li moli la ona li lon ala poka jan
jan li moli lon ala poka jan

rain kiln
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ok gotcha

viscid vector
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jan li moli la ona li wan taso

rain kiln
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hmmmm counted the syllables, some line up, some are one off, some are 13 off...

rain kiln
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"telo nasa tawa telo pona, tenpo pimeja tan tenpo walo" is a direct translation of the english phrase, rather than a reconstruction,

"wine to water" i think represents the opposite of a miracle, or it could be in reference to the french idiom “Mettre de l'eau dans son vin," which means to lessen somebody's ambitions or dreams. It could be both.

"night from dawn" could just represent the passage of time, or getting the end from the beginning. It's not clear to me.

rain kiln
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for "selo pi moku Pamesan," I could drop "pi moku," so it means Parmesan shell instead. the previous line talks about food, so although it's not explicitly said, this line is still food-related.

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some lines with one extra syllable could drop a descriptive "mi" since it's implied, correct?

rain kiln
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Cut some lines short, is ale still pona?

rain kiln
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any suggestions?

viscid vector
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Which where changed?

rain kiln
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A bunch of them- I’ll have to check which ones exactly when I get home

rain kiln
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I don't think it's important to sona which lines were exactly changed, but most of the bolded lines have been modified. If they are bold, then they fit the syllables of the English lines.

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initially i was trying to copy the original meaning as closely as I could, but now I think it's more important to keep the syllable count (tho the rhythm of toki pona and english are probably slightly different.) I also need to have more poetic elements...

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there's a bit of rhyming, some "metaphorites" (i just made up this word and now i am going to use it constantly), a small bit of repetition, and a minute amount of assonance

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shoot -ite is not the right suffix i meant metaphoroid

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metaphorite would be like a metaphorical metal, a metalphor per se, likely or as simile to irony, wouldn't you say?

rain kiln
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in any case, is the grammar correct for all of the bold lines? and any suggestions on dropping some syllables?

viscid vector
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tenpo pini li kama,
That works, but because you also use "tenpo pini" in the text to refer to the past, consider "pini tenpo li kama"

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mi tawa lon ken pi awen open
the lon seems out of place here
and ken pi awen open seems a bit abstract compared to what you want to express
How about just "mi tawa awen"?

rain kiln
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yeah i was trying to rhyme like in the original line but it doesn't work here- only kept it cus it fits the syllables

viscid vector
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ni sama toki sitelen mi
I might use sitelen insa
And this should be "ni li", which you probably were already aware of
ona li mute,
ni instead of ona?
mi weka la o tawa lon
ni instead of lon
mi jo e kon sama ni lon sina
a bit abstract, maybe "mi jo e kon sama kon sina"

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jan li moli lon ala poka jan, seme? sona ala.
should be tan seme

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tawa pona li kama ala e mi
lon or tawa, not e

rain kiln
rain kiln
rain kiln
rain kiln
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"mi wile taso
e wile taso mi"
this alright?

mind me not and i'll mind my own. I think these have very similar meaning but something seems off about these

viscid vector
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I want my own wishes - I merelywant them - and it's all that I want

rain kiln
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Hmm that does work, wile also mean need, right?

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In any case, I do like this sentence

viscid vector
rain kiln
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So if all of my grammar is correct, and I counted correctly, then I only have one line left to cut to size

I just don’t know how to do it without drastically changing the meaning of the sentence…