New writer NEED POINTERS

[low dagger]

Hi friends, I recently wrote a song. I've been musically inclined and obsessed with singing since I was little but was always so secretive of my burning passion, because of this I never got any training or lessons and I know nothing of music theory. Despite this, I've been eager to create because I know it's what my soul desires. I will share below the song I have written, mind you it is INCOMPLETE, I havent started working on the ending and to be quite honest I'm not a fan of the intro either. If anyone is willing to give me pointers it would mean a lot to me. This is also not the best take ever and it's not my full effort but it's a general idea to what I have going on already. The backing track is NOT MINE, it is a random one off spotify; https://open.spotify.com/track/6PC5x1j43vHvcD0Y7pbwmD?si=c3a8ad5fff2a4154
Below I will attach the lyrics I have written;

Contemplating
Hestitating
Tryna find a way to you

Is this useless
Am I stupid
For wanting you
Wanting you

What does she have that I don't
What does she do that I won't
Oh, is she just better
Or do I still matter
To you
You

I want you to want me too
The feelings I can't remove
Want you to want me too
Want me too

Yeah this take aint it maybe ill redo it in a little

[hallow cargo]

It's really niiiceee, love the vibe of it, and your voice is great for this emotional style 😊

And the little giggle at the end, so cute 😂

[low dagger]

thank you so much! i really love the style too, i wrote the lyrics before finding a backing track and this is just the melody my brain spat out and I love it a lot but the song is so incomplete and idk how to end it and I hate the "contemplating hestitating"

I have zero knowledge on song structures

[hallow cargo]

I can help you a bit with it, I writte some songs and wanna release them

With my own band

[low dagger]

I would really appreciate any pointers or help :)

[hallow cargo]

I'm being generous with "some songs", I have tracklists for around 30 albums 😅

[low dagger]

oh wow good shit

[hallow cargo]

Were you crying in the intro?

[low dagger]

no i was stretching

😭

[hallow cargo]

Oh okayy 🤣🤣

I'm not an native english, but isn't it "what does she has"? 🙃

[low dagger]

nope have is correct

[hallow cargo]

Oh okee, sorry then

[low dagger]

i guess if u were to conjugate it

idk how to explain english LMAO

[hallow cargo]

Me neither 😅

[low dagger]

i think its cuz the pronoun comes after the possesion word or something

nope im wrong

idk

LMAO

[hallow cargo]

It's too much grammar 🤣🤣

I'm gonna try sing it just for fun 🙃

[low dagger]

yes do it

[low dagger]

yeah ur right

[hallow cargo]

AAAAHHHH I hate my voice when I sing alone

[low dagger]

i bet it sounds lovely :)

[hallow cargo]

When I don't sing with a background

[low dagger]

i might do another take cuz my other take i fumbled my breath control

and i wasnt trying as hard

[hallow cargo]

Going in and out of tone 🥲
I'm good singing, but I have to be with background music so I can copy the original singer's tone, that way I'm great

When it's only me I sound like I'm dying or something

😭😭

I'll DM you something with me singing with background music on

[low dagger]

thats alright!

[low dagger]

okie

[low dagger]

this is a slightly better take

still mid

[hallow cargo]

Your voice is gooooddd

[low dagger]

thank you :)

[low dagger]

actually i needa take a toke and try again it makes everything better swear

[hallow cargo]

Hehe, it means you're improving 😁

[low dagger]

like the vocal stretches and shit in the song and the vibrato is that what its called idk, it sounds mid in these takes but jus know when its fire and im dialed in ITS FIREE

[hallow cargo]

My problem in that when I sing without the background music is just go off tone with a lot of falsetto and etc. 🥲

[subtle pivot]

Yep, you already have a conjugated verb with "does" x)

Like it "what does she want", for example

[low dagger]

i need some pointers on my song </3

[subtle pivot]

Should have included this "EUUUGH" in the lyrics 😂

Jokes apart, I'm listening to both the first and the second take, I'll try to give a detailed feedback as a random listener 👌

[subtle pivot]

First, even if you're not sure of the exact words, I like the melody of it, repeating a motive 2 or 3 times can be very effective to make the listener remember a melody, especially for a verse beginning

Okay, second take is definitely better, we can see where you want to go with that, it'd be a calm jazzy/bluesy/soul ballad

The "You" of "For wanting you" at the beginning sounds a little off, like it creates a clash with the chord the track is playing, so you can slightly change this very specific note I think (what you did for the little "To you" at the middle could be perfect for that)

Subjective take this time, but at the very end, I would add a "to" just before the last "want me too", like this

Otherwise, overall you have a very good basis, background track is a little simple, but if you get some inspiration for creating your own, it's a good beginning 👌
Now the next step should be the song structure for sure, but actually, I think the 3 first paragraphs can be your 1st verse + pre-chorus, and the last one your chorus

[low dagger]

thank you so much!!!

this is acc so helpful

[subtle pivot]

You're welcome ! 👌

[pale bay]

Your voice is really expressive and I love it (especially your vibrato), if anything just remember to warm up your and try not to cough to clear your throat so you don't irritate your vocal cords. I have a problem too with phlegm and mucus building up in my sinuses and throat so it's really annoying but nothing some tea with honey and lemon can't fix. (Unless you're just sick and this is a one-time thing) Also when you say you don't like the intro, what is it that you don't like about it?

[low dagger]

thank you so much 🥺 honestly the throat clearing and coughing is just because im a heavy smoker so my throat is never fully clear all the time😥 i def should do warmups ive just never tried

and i dont like the first part of the intro

contemplating hesitating

i think the rest of the intro buildup is good

tryna find a way to you is this useless am i stupid for wanting you

but it doesnt rlly match with contemplating hesitating yes it doea match contextually but it doesnt sound right

ive just been drinking coffee to combat all the phlegm but unfortunately the throat clearing is needed😭

i should try tea cuz uggg its so annoying 😭

are there any warmups u recommend @pale bay

[subtle pivot]

I pretty like these two words personally, but I understand what you’re saying, there are maybe some other synonyms for questioning about what comes after, maybe "overthinking" or something like this

[low dagger]

i think i just dislike the way i sang it but its like engrained in my brain idk how to sing it different idk its stretched weirdly

doesnt flow good with the rest

idk if id use synonyms

i just think the way i sing those two words

can either make or break the song

and its breaking it

i love the rest of the melody and the way i sing it

[pale bay]

I usually follow this guide https://youtu.be/YCLyAmXtpfY?si=H1Eh-s9v0zHdIkKI but I do it in my own key most of the times. The I follow one from Cheryl Porter as well, the hand washing one i found during covid 19. Then theres also this one which is a little longer https://youtu.be/1XHXezdnL0A?si=72TlbXYCiVoTKhkk.

[subtle pivot]

Imma take this for me as well, thanksss

[pale bay]

I think maybe you might be doing a little too much in the intro part in terms of vibrato, i cna send you something i did

[pale bay]

Pftt sure

[pale bay]

Sometimes just keeping it simple in the beginning allows you to flow into the rest of the song better

[pale bay]

And maybe cut back on the smoking a bit 🙂

[hallow cargo]

Oh, you have to be a lot of carefull with the smoking habit

Look at how Axl Rose sounds now because of heavily smoking, drinking and not taking good care of his voice

[hallow cargo]

What if you say it without prolonging or doing a slightly short prolongation? Like a no-emotion vibe

[pale bay]

Also here's another one that's really fun to warm up with! My little sister and I jam to it all the time https://youtu.be/9dVW9E40-Gw?si=-HA5qnLk2l_o1N9q

[low dagger]

THANK YOU GUYS SORRY IVE BEEN BUSY W WORK

IM JUDT SEEING THIS

[low dagger]

UR RIGHT

[low dagger]

eh we young😭

[low dagger]

idk i think im chilling

[low dagger]

howso

[hallow cargo]

exactly, you're young

you still have a lot of years to live, and we all want you to live them with total health

[low dagger]

well tomorrows never promised the leading death cause is not old age

we go out in so many ways

best to do whst brings u joy

and enjoy ur life to the fullest

[hallow cargo]

wise words, put them in a song 😉✨
Just be carefull with bad habits

[low dagger]

😭

[pale bay]

Yeah but if you really want to pursue music, you're gonna need your voice and lungs for that matter

[low dagger]

i sing for fun tho

[pale bay]

Well then 🤷‍♀️

[sacred hatch]

smoking isnt necessarily good or bad for singing imo, im not a smoker but smoking does alternate ur voice and make it sounds raspier. there is one obvious downside that it reduces ur lung capacity

and i think the song u did is pretty neat, its emotional and vulnerable,

next step is probably to figure out a song structure. and then decide what you want as a chorus/hook, or if you want to write something brandnew for a hook.

I think the part "i want you to want me too" to the end sounds like a bridge, and after that there should be a hook/chorus 👀

[hallow cargo]

Then it obviously bad for singing bro

If you keep doing it, like Axl Rose did, you'll end with a weak voice like he has now

While if you take good care of yourself, you can keep your voice tone for years and years!

[sacred hatch]

depends what u smoke, smoking weed for example doesnt reduce lung capacity

but i dont smoke tho, dont take it from me xD, smoking bad generally speaking

but its good to know what you're doing rather than just doing it because you like doing it

[hallow cargo]

Yeah I don't smoke either bro I'm just 14 😭

And I'll never smoke

[sacred hatch]

yes smoking anything is very bad for you when ur young, since ur lung isnt even fully developed yet