grisha3075

[neon pendant]

Please be patient

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Make it descriptive, including relevant context, but also to the point. This way you improve your chances of getting a more relevant and specific answer.

[young cedar]

J'ai essayé de changer le moins de choses possibles

Les fleuves bleus se remplissent de crasse noire
Les arbres verts meurent dans leur vieille gloire

Le temps mangera-
les ciels scintillants
les étoiles brillantes

La fumée démolira-
les forêts magnifiques
les montagnes pacifiques

"Mieux vaut prévenir que guérir,"
Les dirigeants parlent mais ils ne font rien
Les dirigeants disent des prières vides pour notre bien

Alors, les fleuves bleus nous noieront **dans **la crasse noire
Et, les arbres verts nous écraseront **de **leur vieille gloire.

[near rover]

Merci beaucoup! Turns out I made a typo with the words 'fleuve' and 'prières' 😅. But can you please tell me why changing some prepositions to 'de' is better? I am just interested to know if it sounds more natural or it's grammatically wrong.

Also, since you are a native speaker, do you have any thoughts on the content of the poem?

[young cedar]

On utilise normalement "de" avec "remplir" (j'imagine que tu es partie de "to fill with") : "remplir d'eau", "rempli de colère", etc. Pour "de leur vieille gloire", on peut utiliser "dans" aussi mais le sens n'est pas le même :

"nous écraseront dans leur vieille gloire" : "will crush us in their old glory"
"nous écraseront de leur vieille gloire" : "will crush us under their old glory"

As for the content, well it's all doom. Not even a glimmer of hope somewhere ? Also not sure why the trees are crushing us ? Is it because they're dead ? But then they're still green in the last sentence

[near rover]

Ah got it! Merci pour ton explication.

The prompt was to write one on the consequences of climate change but I see your point. I will try to write more positive poems as well.

[young cedar]

Well it's up to you to chose what to convey, if it's hopelessness, so be it.

There are a few comments that go beyond grammatical correctness that I could add.

la fumée démolira : other verbs would probably more descriptive (couvrira, enfouira, souillera, étouffera, noircira, ...) How does the smoke actually destroys those things ?

les montagnes pacifiques : a bit weird, as it's hard to imagine mountains waging war. If you meant to translate peaceful, then maybe paisibles, or sereines would fit better.

And yeah, the last paragraph is strange as at this point the rivers are probably not blue anymore, nor the trees green.

Well I'm nitpicking now

[near rover]

I write English poetry so this was more for literature and less for learning french if that makes sense. I guess I was trying to write it using poetic devices like imagery, repetition and rhyming scheme but because I was approaching it from an English perspective, it probably sounds a little odd.

And don't worry about nitpicking, I welcome any criticism for my poem.

[young cedar]

I might be approaching this too logically :D. It is poetry indeed, the most free form of writing