This is my second attempt at writing a full script for a video.

[modern sable]

I usually just ramble and cut the off topic parts. But I have recently started writing an actual script for my videos. Im having trouble not sounding like a robot and having more personality and charisma.

Please let me know if what I wrote makes any sense. I would also appreciate someone picking this video apart and giving critiques. I promise it won’t hurt my feelings I get punched and kicked in the face for fun!

Am I too old to start Fighting ?
https://youtu.be/IJraTy9SzUE

Any feedback on title, thumbnail, description, chapters. I would love it and thank you guys! This is an awesome community of very talented people!

[past heath]

Nice feedback post! Please keep in mind that all feedback is provided out of the good will of the community, so it may take some time for you to get a response.

Please avoid reposting or begging members in other channels to check out this thread.

If you receieve no feedback at all, consider that as feedback in a sense.

[rancid wind]

First off, I don't think you sound like a robot, it sounds like a normal conversational voice.

I'll put some timestamps below to reference as I go through the video.

Now for reference, this is something I've been working on myself. I've been tweaking my scripts and my recordings. I am in no way a professional voice over artist, so this is me looking at it from my lens. I like the messaging of the video.

Below is what I could pick up on with my first pass.

0:02 - sounds like a chair adjusting or something in the background, noticeable on headphones. Just be congnizant of your recording area.

0:23 slight pause in sentence continuing, for this I usually keep flowing to the end but record the line again. If this isn't your thing to really polish every detail, then carry on.

0:48 this new sentence starts almost as if the previous sentence was ending, it sounds a bit mashed together. Play it back at this mark and you should understand what I mean.

I like how you cut to relevant b-roll and stats, good timing on those.

1:23 the sentence about DC starting to fight in 2009 and leading to the next sentence seemed rushed, let the moment breath and the stats to show for a few frames more.

2:21 I hear some paper rustling or something, again noticeable on headphones but probably not on speakers or tv.

4:06 - 4:19, I think I counted 6 mentions of the word compare..I would trim that up a bit. Just brainstorming for a few seconds something like "When you're training it's easy to look at the guy who started a 5 years old, the newest amateur champion, the lineup of the next UFC card... and compare yourself to them. Imposture syndrome can really get in your head." something along those lines, it's not perfect but after a few passes I think you can dial it in.

5:04 this section sounds very similar to earlier sections about being too old to become a UFC champion, etc. I would look at this section a few more times.

5:35 just blew out my ears, the volume change was pretty drastic.

Lastly, it does sound like you are reading word for word from the script sometimes. It may help to record little sections at a time and before that keep reading the script so you can look at it for reference points rather than reading word for word.

Keep grinding