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4 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

winter mesa
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I would recommend getting more specific - this could describe any of a variety of shows

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why should we be interested in and want to watch your show? what would go in the trailer to get us excited?

zealous anvil
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You got both too much and too little going on in your logline. Reading it is like that dream where you are running and running but never seem to get any closer to your goal.

"Begin to uncover", "unsettling events", "something they can't explain", "closer than anyone is willing to see." They may sound nice, but don't actually build a vision of what the viewer is going to watch.

At the same time I don't know who the focus will be one. Teens or investigators. I could be wrong, but I believe one should be the focus even if both are important to the story. Especially in the logline where I am using it to build an idea of the show. The tone of a show about detectives solving a murder is fairly different than the tone of teens solving a mystery.

After a young boy is found impaled on the school flag pole, two city detectives find the town of Millbrook isn't as quant as it seems.

After their best friend is murdered, a group of teens must decide to either join their town's secret society, or be the next victims.

Neither of these are particularly good, but may serve as examples of how your logline gives a glimpse at what the show will be about, mixing concrete concepts people can understand with mystery.

zealous anvil
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I agree that both groups can be important to the story, I was thinking that focusing on just one on the logline would help make it more tangible, but in reflection I don't think that is necessary. Here's the Stranger Things logine:

When a young boy disappears, his mother, the police chief, and his friends must confront terrifying supernatural forces in order to get him back.

This concisely says there will be several important characters, says we are going to be dealing with some crazy supernatural stuff, while also not revealing anything any important reveals. I'm sure it gets harder if we aren't supposed to know if someting supernatural is going on. I can't find the True Detective logline.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that the logline should be brief and capture the spirit of what we will be seeing.