Script of the Week - Everyone, Everywhere

[timber cairn]

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TITLE: Everyone, Everywhere
**GENRE: **Horror
**FORMAT: **Feature
LOGLINE: Seeking answers to repressed childhood memories, a photographer returns to the reclusive small town he grew up in, only to discover it harbors more than just a dangerous secret.

NOTES: Looking for general feedback on the structure of the story as I intend on doing another rewrite of this very soon. It is an attempt to translate the popular online genre of "analog horror" into a cinematic format, so about 15-20% of the script is composed of "VHS Tape" sequences. Inspirations for these sequences include web series such as Local 58, Gemini Home Entertainment, Mandela Catalogue, Walten Files, and Greylock. It's rather unorthodox territory for me so I'd like to know your thoughts on how these tapes are implemented into the narrative, since they do extend the page count. I also proofread it recently but there might be a few spots I still missed.

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[sharp cave]

Lol this script made me late for work this morning. Good job. 👍 Can't wait to keep reading.

[sharp cave]

Read the full thing yesterday and fuckin' loved it. 🔴 The main thing it's lacking imo is ||a stronger indication in act 1 that Nick wants Family badly enough to sacrifice himself for it. Some scene to telegraph the ending. Maybe instead of going home, he stays super late at Easton's family's wedding and misses an exam the next morning.

Easton also seems like a missed opportunity. I totally expected him to travel home with Nick. He seems like a friend who would insist on it, for safety's sake. Could add some interesting dynamics (and more fodder for Red) if Easton were there.||

[sharp cave]

(Sorry for the piecemeal feedback - it's a hectic week. Thanks again for the great read!)

Some things that worked really well for me:
||- You've nailed small-town dialogue - the cadence, the familiarity, the way no one answers a single goddamn question directly.

• Great job hiding the monster for as long as possible.
• Nickolas' family dynamic felt strained in an organic way. I liked Olivia's dialogue especially - the change in her demeanor between each of the three family members.
• Outstanding use of a negative character arc! The whole time, I was rooting for Nick to pull it together and learn his lesson (i.e. that abandoning your abusive family is good, actually) but he kept digging that hole.
  ||

Things to consider:
||- Everyone felt older than their stated age, Gilda especially. (I have a six year-old and Gilda reads more like 8 to me.) Making Nickolas and his parents older could add a bit more drama. e.g., More time has passed since he last saw them.

• The wedding in Act 1 feels almost like an afterthought, but you could really milk that scene to set up Nick's character! Show how deeply he craves family. Maybe give him a moment where he dismisses the idea of digging into his past, and the wedding is the thing that pushes him over the edge.
• Easton is the foil to Nickolas' parents. He cares about Nick and tries to protect him, but in the end, Nick chooses his family over Easton. I suggested above that Easton could travel home with him, but it could work just as well to have Nick stay in closer contact with Easton. Maybe Easton offers to come and rescue Nick if things go south. It would be interesting to have the looming threat of Easton showing up, even after Nick is dead.
  ||