I don't wanna live (TW: Suicide and Gender Dysphoria)

[vivid harbor]

I hate my body. I'm crying because my damn chest just seems to keep growing and growing (even the measuring tape says it is) and I want to cry over it. I had a eating disorder for years because of my stupid dysphoria. I just got over it and it just keeps growing. I can't go back to not eating anything, though, no one will let me and my body will hold onto fat now. So I just want to die. I want to get out of this body for good. It'll probably be several years until I can even get top surgery, and my chest isn't even the only thing that gives me dysphoria

[surreal sapphire]

Sorry you're having to go through that. Is it okay if I call you Shiloh (it's the name I see in your intro)?

[vivid harbor]

Yeah. Shiloh is a fairly gender neutral-name

[surreal sapphire]

Dysphoria is a vile creature... but even addressing part of the problem (e.g. getting top surgery, when you can manage that) can actually help give you much more mental and emotional bandwidth to deal with the rest of it

I still need bottom surgery... but getting laser hair removal has done wonders for me (I had dense, dark facial hair that left a shadow even when I was clean-shaven).

I wish I'd been able to get it 10 years ago when I had less white hair because I'm going to need electrolysis to finish the job now, and I still have dysphoria about being "built wrong" downstairs, but looking in the mirror and not seeing that cursed shadow every goddamn day just feels like a huge relief.

I think part of it might be that the facial hair bothered me so much because it was visible in my everyday presentation—I'm wondering if that's why your chest bothers you so much?

If you're having problems with putting on too much weight too easily and not being able to lose it, if you're at a point where you're clinically obese perhaps seeing a doctor about a GLP-1 agonist might help you manage your weight better? (and also potentially keep you from further fat growth in your chest)

[vivid harbor]

I don't have a job right now because no one wants to hire me because I'm not a very good candidate, so I can't save up for it, and I'm still at home with my family, who would not help me with all the things I would need help with after top surgery, and, if they do, they would not do it happily and may say something that is hurtful or transphobic or something. The best bet I got is when my partner gets out of college and I move in with them because they want to go into a computer science field and so they would make a good amount of money, and they'd save up for top surgery for me and be willing to help me without being rude. Also, it would be awkward if my immediate family helped me, anyway, and most of them don't even know I am trans and those that do know don't care to (or don't feel like they should) respect my pronouns because most of them are religious. I've been getting binders from my partner and everything, because my family are rude about it and have said they refuse to give any money to help with gender affirmation for me, so my only chance is if I move in with my partner, and then my family will probably cut off all support from me because they'll consider it marriage (including health insurance).

On my end, I've been writing a book, but I have my doubts it will get big enough for me to make enough money to get top surgery on my own in a couple of years, which is another reason I need my partner to be out of college and mostly over debt to do it (they plan to sink as much as possible into debt the first year after getting out of college), but I'm worried things will happen to make it so even that plan falls apart

[vivid harbor]

I'm not obese, my family are just bigger people (built more like ogres, as an example). My dad's side of the family also grow huge breasts, and I'm worried I might have got those genetics, they just never popped up before because I had a major eating disorder around 13 (it started then), which means my chest wasn't even fully grown. I'm worried that's why it just won't stop growing and it's stressing me out.

I feel bad for my partner and my partner's family who have to buy new binders for me quite frequently because of this and puffing back up to my original size after a major eating disorder that started when I still wasn't to my full size.

[surreal sapphire]

That certainly is a lot to deal with 🫂

I know it's not great, but you can look into more entry-level type jobs? Working in a store/restaurant/etc, stuff that mostly just requires a decent work ethic (able to show up on time when scheduled, get the work done instead of taking every spare second to stare at your phone, etc)

(I only brought up the obesity thing because you'd mentioned "my body will hold onto fat now", I didn't know whether that was a clinical issue or not)

You might want to talk to a doctor about possible hormonal treatments? I'm not terribly familiar with hormonal birth control, but it might be possible that there's something out there that could not only inhibit chest growth, but might also reduce duration/severity/frequency of periods, which I suspect might be a win in your book as well?

Low-dose testosterone might be an option in that regard, just be sure you're aware of potential side effects if you do consider it.

[vivid harbor]

I've been applying to entry level jobs. They aren't hiring me

[vivid harbor]

No, it's just that the body tries to hold onto fat. If you stop eating, it goes for the muscles first, and it holds on even more if you originally had an eating disorder, from what I've heard

[vivid harbor]

Well, I'm trying to get something like that set up, but I doubt it will affect the chest area. It will simply lower the hormonal fluctuation and stop my cycle (it's a type of birth control). If there's anything else, I have my doubts my parents would let me get it, I might have to pay for it myself and I don't have money

[vivid harbor]

I've considered all types of taking testosterone. The problem is all of them will eventually give me a beard and other stuff like that, which would also make me dysphoric

[surreal sapphire]

For entry level stuff, it's always atrocious competition. One of the things you might be able to do to improve your odds is meet the manager.

Figure out what times they're not busy, and bring in your application during a not-busy time.. Ask to speak to the manager, and hand it in to them; of course if they tell you to submit it online/drop it in a box/etc, oblige them. Be sure to introduce yourself, make it clear you really want the job. Don't be too obsequious about it—they all know no one's life goal is to be a grocery bagger or whatever—but show motivation.

Pop in once a week (7-10 days... never less than 7 though), during off-peak times. Get their attention, ask them "Hey, just wanted to follow up on my application. Have there been any openings recently, or are you looking to hire more folks in the near future?" ... this helps keep you top-of-mind to them.

There's a possibility they'll be annoyed by regular check-ins, especially if they don't have any openings for a while. If they tell you to stop bothering them or to back off or whatever, use your judgement whether you should back off for maybe 2-3 weeks, or maybe even a month or two (especially if they drop a hint that they won't be hiring anyone any time soon)

Yeah, if facial hair would make you dysphoric too, testosterone probably isn't a good plan. My partner used it topically for a bit and she doesn't really have a beard, but she's got a couple of hairs that went terminal (meaning they went from "peach fuzz" to thick, dark "beard hair")

You'd have to talk to the doctor (ideally without your parents around since they seem unsupportive), but some hormonal BC methods can result in breast growth, so you may want to find out if there are certain formulations that at least minimize that effect

[vivid harbor]

I'm working with a job coach and still failing. I just have my doubts I can get hired anywhere

[vivid harbor]

Yeah. It's complicated for me because I want a completely gender neutral body, not one that looks more masculine, but also not one that looks feminine. So I'm in a complicated situation

[vivid harbor]

I can research it and talk to the doctor, but I kinda need it because I get an increase in suicidal ideation around the time of my cycle (way worse than it is normally)

But maybe I shouldn't get it... crap

Maybe I'd be better off dead

[surreal sapphire]

I know it'll sound trite with everything you're going through, but you've got to keep trying. Right now the job market/workplace is absolute shit. I'm even seeing skilled, senior level people in my circles having difficulty getting jobs for months—some, even years.

You sorta have to take a shotgun approach to it—just keep blasting out applications everywhere, until eventually the right application goes to the right person at the right time and they go "hey, let's give this person a shot"

If there's any sort of place you'd prefer to work, that has entry level positions you'd qualify for, hang out there a bit. Try to make friends with some of the folks there. It varies by business/industry, but having connections always helps.

And even then it might still take months, or even a year or two, to land something

If your cycle increases suicidal ideation, keeping your cycle at least somewhat suppressed may go a long way to helping you feel better

[vivid harbor]

Yeah, but I can't do anything. Any way to stop it increases breast growth. I'm so upset