I don't know what i want to say...or why i am even writing in here...maybe just so i can vomit out some bad feelings where they don't linger, unlike a note on my phone? I'm just so fucking tired of this...i've been this way for 21 years and i just...can't fix any of it. Any time i start to feel kind of okay, my head goes on overdrive trying to find anything to make me miserable and it doesn't let anything go...tried making friends in a few discords, got a few DMs all but 1 really left...i want to talk to her constantly and i'm forcing myself not to because i know its bad. I don't even have much to say to her...i don't do anything or go anywhere...my life isn't interesting...but all day every day i wait for an excuse to message her...and i'm terrified that she'll disappear too...just like everyone else does...why am i such a loser...why can't i just be ok with being alone all the time...why do i want to be human...
I'm so tired of this...i just want to be happy...or learn to go numb...