indigo smelt
I don’t really know why I am writing this but I guess it’s out here.
Back in October, well I guess a little in the end of September, I started to feel this pressure to be “perfect”. It started out as this little thing but overtime it became something worse. I guess this pressure stemmed from the fact that I am somewhat of a people pleaser. This mind set is probably what started the pressure to be perfect because if I was, then everyone would be happy. But instead, I started to see all my flaws. I was and am a very accepting person who doesn’t really care about flaws, but this mindset really hurt me. These thoughts that I could live up to everyone’s expectations started to eat away at me. What didn’t help was that my grades began to drop which just fueled the fire. All of this overwhelming thought and pressure lead to me getting out of bed in the middle of the night and trying to ||kill myself.|| But I failed. So I tried again the next night and failed yet again. I kept trying and sometimes when I failed, I would ||cut myself|| for failing. Tho I did do it on obvious places, may as a cry for help, idk. Yet throughout this entire time I kept smiling, making sure everyone was oblivious to my pain. I was broken. All the walls I made we keeping everyone out and my self in. I was trapped, consumed by my own hate, thoughts screaming at me that “I wasn’t enough” and “I didn’t deserve anyone” the was nothing anyone could do to save me. Not even music could, the only thing keeping me afloat. Or so I thought. I started to listen to certain songs and watch videos on omori just out of desperation but it turns out, those things saved me. The songs and videos resonated with me just to break down one wall. And I did thing that probably saved my life. I texted my mom. I text her everything. And when my parents came home, my dad talked. He told me that I was enough. I cried. After so long I just cried till I could anymore. I finally felt right.
lusty cipher
finite rover
hearty jewel