torn vessel
I've lost most my friends the other just find me annoying. I've been trying so so so so hard to not relapse and SH again but I'm about to give up. I've got 3 good friends that all don't know each other very well but i talk to them and they know about my MH. It kills me to see them sad and all I want to do is push them away so it will soften the blow of losing me. I've been clean for about 6 days now, which is my longest since i started. My mom found my cuts a few days ago and instead of comforting me she immediately went into "WHY MEE!" I genuinely don't know if i even want to get better anymore I just want it to all stop. I spoke to my schools SSW (School Social Worker) and i got a "I only see girls struggling like this but I guess" so I'm not going back there lol. I don't even know if ill make it to morning. I tried to get therapy but my insurance is shit. So many people would fucking hate me if they knew I was gay, and I have an ex best friend who has been threatening to expose me.|| I had this thought of if that happened id~~ kms~~ in front of the school b4 1st period so ppl would have something to smile at on their way to class.|| Which I only now realize thats not normal to think. I try to act as happy as possible in front of ppl bc I wish i could be happy. I have been trying so fucking hard to be better and its not working. I honestly dont know if im going to make it to morning. (edit: I also get nightmares every single night to the point where it feels sleep is useless bc I cant get a single good night, which makes me unable to focus during the day)
oak cape