hidden onyx
this has been something i've felt for my entire life, naturally, but it has been harder to deal with as of late. i am a person who's spent their entire life being tossed around between binaries: girl and boy, neurotypical or divergent, sheltered and unsafe...
the list could go on, but the main premise is that i am always too much A to be B + too much B to be A. my autonomy throughout my life has been nearly nonexistent, and i only ever went towards where people pushed me to go. i have not lived a day in my life that was my own; i have had many faces that were not truly mine
in return, i mostly feel like i belong nowhere — not the queer community, not the intersex community, not the trans community. i am told i am half straight, that my condition is not "actually intersex", and treated like a "cisfoid". on the other hand, i am too much of a queer looking person, i am visibly hyperandrogenic/virile, and dont exactly have a straightfoward relationship with gender (in a cisgender sense). i have been a target of transmisogyny/intermisogyny growing up, so it truly is a mess
to top it off, i find myself most comfortable with contradictory labels. gaybian, bigenderless, transfemmasc — of course, some of these can only be specifically explained through my lens on life. there is no major issue in this in of itself, but the constant discourse about wether or not i deserve to label myself as such discourages me from even attempting to accept this comfort. it feels like something that will disrupt fellow queer people's lives, and in such, i feel like i have no right to reach theough to attain it
life feels strange. there are a thousand roads i could take, a thousand label options, a thousand people that will love or hate me. i have been feeling like it is less and less worth it to participate in community — be it in real life or obline — and it feels very lonely. i know there are probably people in similar positions to me, with differenced and all, but it still feels like being light years away from everyone and anyone
this is a bit long, but it sums it up pretty well. if anyone has any thoughts to share on this, feel free — i'm not sure what to expect from others but it would be nice to hear something, anything
worn prism